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Bisexual People Share The Notable Differences Between Dating Men And Women

Dating is difficult––and truth be told, I don't know how anyone can do it right now, what with a pandemic going on and all. Just the thought stresses me out. Dating is especially hard for people who defy expectations in a heteronormative society. Take bisexuals, for example.


Bisexuals have been open about their struggles maintaining relationships with both men and women, even having to lie about their sexuality if they want to date certain people.

"I feel like if I end up in a straight relationship, I'll look like I was just experimenting all these years, but if I end up in a gay relationship people will say I was never actually bisexual," one man told the BBC in 2019. "Then if I don't have a monogamous relationship people will say I'm just greedy."

Indeed, the pressure to be either gay or straight can be a lot to navigate. After Redditor Trevor-on-Reddit asked the online community, "Bisexual people who have dated both genders, what are some notable differences you've learned about dating both men and women?" bisexuals spoke candidly about their experiences. Take note: You might learn something new.


    "They both think..."

    They both think their signals are clear. They are not.

    ssssssssphalis

    I knew this was universal!

    Practically everyone I've ever met and gotten to know has complained about communication issues at some point.

    "Both genders are bad..."

    Both genders are bad at communicating but in completely different ways.

    Men are more likely to not tell you information that would be important to you simply because they don't deem it important. They gave you the important information. If you can't understand it, then you're either trying to complicate the issue or you're not listening to them.

    Women are more likely to not tell you information important to them because they see it as obvious. If they have to tell you the issue, then you're not paying attention to them and the issue at hand or you're not as invested in the relationship as they are.

    Twilcario

    This sounds like the basis of every family sitcom ever made.

    It does get tiring to see those same tropes rehashed over and over again, I'll admit.

    "They both still have that same tenderness..."

    Dating a man feels like one of your male best friends decided he likes dick one day. Dating women feels "softer" and even though common interests are there, there's more of that listening to their interests because they like it and you're interested in them and not because you care about the subject at hand.

    They both still have that same tenderness and butterfly feeling. That's been my experience so far anyways.

    shinyphanphy

    "I find the dynamics of trust..."

    I'm a bisexual man. I find the dynamics of trust to be vastly different between my male and female companions. Men have been quicker to trust me, but became more nervous over time; women needed more time to build that trust, but once it was there, it was solid.

    I've generally thought of that as not being inherent to their gender and instead tied to how they relate to my maleness. In the same-sex relationships, there's a lot more risk involved because of societal heteronormativity — there's the initial pressure to be out and proud that prompts these men to engage in their relationships with passion, but then there's a worry that the relationship will fail because of the toxic aspect of queer pride. With the women, there's a general fear of violence from men, so there's more caution early on.

    CurveoftheUniverse

    "It's much easier to find a man..."

    So keep in mind that this is my own experience, and is in no way meant to apply to everyone.

    I'm a bi male.

    Non-sexually, men are much more straightforward in almost every way. Everything from what they want to eat, to whether or not they're interested in you. Women rely much more on cues or non-verbal communication.

    In my experience, gay men have been the least receptive to the fact that I'm bi. Straight women tend to be hesitant, but if they've already shown interest in me they usually are still interested after I tell them I'm bi.

    Sexually, with men it's about finishing. With women it's about the journey. With men, I've had more than one occasion where we're playing video games and someone starts getting frisky. We pause, get each other off, and are back to playing games in like 10 minutes. Women, on the other hand, tends to like getting frisky, then foreplay, then sex, then winding down.

    It's much easier to find a man to be with than a woman, at least for me.

    I'm below average in the looks department (like a 3, maybe a 4 on a good day). The women who are interested in me tend to be around there, and I've never had an objectively"hot" one show interest in me. While most of the men I've been with also fall somewhere around there, I've slept with a couple of genuinely hot guys. Muscular, tanned, well-endowed. There's a certain set of guys that really like chubby guys and apparently I fit the bill for them.

    Everyone likes cuddles though.

    profan1028

    Cuddling is incredible.

    I can confirm I've been aghast when I've had a partner who didn't like cuddling.

    "One thing I noticed..."

    One thing I noticed back when I was dating was that women have a lot more baggage when it comes to physical intimacy. Women go through a lot, they have tons of pressures put on them, many have had negative sexual experiences. It's, well, just more complicated. The guys I dated were frankly much more direct and more simplistic about it. I'm not saying either of these descriptions apply to all women or men, but that was my experience. With guys it was like 'hey, wanna make out?' and just sort of that simple.

    haroldtitus425

    To which this person replied:

    As a woman, that's definitely contributing to it. For women, sex is wrapped up with so much bs. It's wrapped up in the ambient (or direct) shaming crisscrossed with our sexualized bodies plastered everywhere that we grow up with, it's wrapped up with the adult men who harassed us when we were preteens and teens, it's wrapped up in the frightening moments when a boy corners us thinking he's being smooth when really he's been aggressive and scary, in the nerves about walking alone, in the fear of giving a man 'the wrong idea' and being told it's our fault when he hurts us, in the stigma and burden of unwanted pregnancy and the choices or lack thereof in that...

    It's really hard for sex to be simple for women. I'd bet money that by the time any woman in the world has hit the age of twenty, she has a story of being harassed or victimized in some way. It becomes a minefield.

    SecretlyFBI

    "Other than that..."

    It's much harder to find a girl who wants to date you than a guy if you're a girl. Either you keep finding straight women, or you both are afraid of being too forward and no one makes the first move. Guys are way less shy about it. But since it's so much harder to get a girlfriend, the relationships with women tend to last longer, because we wouldn't have gotten together if we weren't pretty sure we were compatible.

    Other than that, there's not a huge difference. Individual people are more unique than men are from women, if that makes sense. But I will say I've never had to fight with or teach a woman why something that happened to me was misogynistic. It's more likely that she's experienced something similar.

    mothwhimsy

    "I've dated enough personalities..."

    I'm a bi woman.

    There's not much difference, in my experience. I've dated enough personalities to dismantle virtually any stereotype about gender lol. The most romantic and clingy were guys, the most aloof was a woman. People are just so different.

    Dating women does come with the queer element though, where you have awkwardness over who to be "out" to. I've been lucky enough to mostly steer clear of biphobia but I did briefly date a girl who I think just wanted to be queer because that was her idea of herself (for activist reasons or something?) but I am skeptical if she was actually queer. Needless to say, that didn't last.

    Conversely, when I date guys, I sometimes get anxious about being perceived as straight or "gay until she found a dude". Not that what people think matters, but it's funny. When I date women I worry about homophobia, when I date guys, I worry about being erased.

    Oh, small difference - I always insist on splitting the bill, which is pretty typical for same-sex dating. I think sometimes guys think that means I don't like them.

    ferret-fu

    "While dating a woman..."

    Bi woman. The biggest one was trust/biphobia and the way the two interrelate.

    While dating a woman, having close male friends has always been off the table. It seems to really threaten/make uncomfortable my girlfriend and tends to turn into a never-ending "But are you SURE you don't have feelings for him? you're REALLY not attracted to him?" So many lesbians genuinely hate bi women and think they're always going to cheat or leave for a guy.

    Conversely, men don't give a damn if I have close female friends while dating them, but are far more likely to fetishize the knowledge that I've had past female partners. Which is obviously really uncomfortable if done in any sort of excess.

    FinalTourist

    Dating isn't easy, people.

    When you're someone attracted to both genders, that can come with a host of baggage, namely the weight of everyone else's expectations and prejudices. Try talking to your bi friends sometime––you might glean some brilliant insights that you otherwise might not hear.

    Have some of your own stories to share? Feel free to tell us about them in the comments below.f

    Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.

    People Reveal The Weirdest Thing About Themselves

    Reddit user Isitjustmedownhere asked: 'Give an example; how weird are you really?'

    Let's get one thing straight: no one is normal. We're all weird in our own ways, and that is actually normal.

    Of course, that doesn't mean we don't all have that one strange trait or quirk that outweighs all the other weirdness we possess.

    For me, it's the fact that I'm almost 30 years old, and I still have an imaginary friend. Her name is Sarah, she has red hair and green eyes, and I strongly believe that, since I lived in India when I created her and there were no actual people with red hair around, she was based on Daphne Blake from Scooby-Doo.

    I also didn't know the name Sarah when I created her, so that came later. I know she's not really there, hence the term 'imaginary friend,' but she's kind of always been around. We all have conversations in our heads; mine are with Sarah. She keeps me on task and efficient.

    My mom thinks I'm crazy that I still have an imaginary friend, and writing about her like this makes me think I may actually be crazy, but I don't mind. As I said, we're all weird, and we all have that one trait that outweighs all the other weirdness.

    Redditors know this all too well and are eager to share their weird traits.

    It all started when Redditor Isitjustmedownhere asked:

    "Give an example; how weird are you really?"

    Monsters Under My Bed

    "My bed doesn't touch any wall."

    "Edit: I guess i should clarify im not rich."

    – Practical_Eye_3600

    "Gosh the monsters can get you from any angle then."

    – bikergirlr7

    "At first I thought this was a flex on how big your bedroom is, but then I realized you're just a psycho 😁"

    – zenOFiniquity8

    Can You See Why?

    "I bought one of those super-powerful fans to dry a basement carpet. Afterwards, I realized that it can point straight up and that it would be amazing to use on myself post-shower. Now I squeegee my body with my hands, step out of the shower and get blasted by a wide jet of room-temp air. I barely use my towel at all. Wife thinks I'm weird."

    – KingBooRadley

    Remember

    "In 1990 when I was 8 years old and bored on a field trip, I saw a black Oldsmobile Cutlass driving down the street on a hot day to where you could see that mirage like distortion from the heat on the road. I took a “snapshot” by blinking my eyes and told myself “I wonder how long I can remember this image” ….well."

    – AquamarineCheetah

    "Even before smartphones, I always take "snapshots" by blinking my eyes hoping I'll remember every detail so I can draw it when I get home. Unfortunately, I may have taken so much snapshots that I can no longer remember every detail I want to draw."

    "Makes me think my "memory is full.""

    – Reasonable-Pirate902

    Same, Same

    "I have eaten the same lunch every day for the past 4 years and I'm not bored yet."

    – OhhGoood

    "How f**king big was this lunch when you started?"

    – notmyrealnam3

    Not Sure Who Was Weirder

    "Had a line cook that worked for us for 6 months never said much. My sous chef once told him with no context, "Baw wit da baw daw bang daw bang diggy diggy." The guy smiled, left, and never came back."

    – Frostygrunt

    Imagination

    "I pace around my house for hours listening to music imagining that I have done all the things I simply lack the brain capacity to do, or in some really bizarre scenarios, I can really get immersed in these imaginations sometimes I don't know if this is some form of schizophrenia or what."

    – RandomSharinganUser

    "I do the same exact thing, sometimes for hours. When I was young it would be a ridiculous amount of time and many years later it’s sort of trickled off into almost nothing (almost). It’s weird but I just thought it’s how my brain processes sh*t."

    – Kolkeia

    If Only

    "Even as an adult I still think that if you are in a car that goes over a cliff; and right as you are about to hit the ground if you jump up you can avoid the damage and will land safely. I know I'm wrong. You shut up. I'm not crying."

    – ShotCompetition2593

    Pet Food

    "As a kid I would snack on my dog's Milkbones."

    – drummerskillit

    "Haha, I have a clear memory of myself doing this as well. I was around 3 y/o. Needless to say no one was supervising me."

    – Isitjustmedownhere

    "When I was younger, one of my responsibilities was to feed the pet fish every day. Instead, I would hide under the futon in the spare bedroom and eat the fish food."

    – -GateKeep-

    My Favorite Subject

    "I'm autistic and have always had a thing for insects. My neurotypical best friend and I used to hang out at this local bar to talk to girls, back in the late 90s. One time he claimed that my tendency to circle conversations back to insects was hurting my game. The next time we went to that bar (with a few other friends), he turned and said sternly "No talking about bugs. Or space, or statistics or other bullsh*t but mainly no bugs." I felt like he was losing his mind over nothing."

    "It was summer, the bar had its windows open. Our group hit it off with a group of young ladies, We were all chatting and having a good time. I was talking to one of these girls, my buddy was behind her facing away from me talking to a few other people."

    "A cloudless sulphur flies in and lands on little thing that holds coasters."

    "Cue Jordan Peele sweating gif."

    "The girl notices my tension, and asks if I am looking at the leaf. "Actually, that's a lepidoptera called..." I looked at the back of my friend's head, he wasn't looking, "I mean a butterfly..." I poked it and it spread its wings the girl says "oh that's a BUG?!" and I still remember my friend turning around slowly to look at me with chastisement. The ONE thing he told me not to do."

    "I was 21, and was completely not aware that I already had a rep for being an oddball. It got worse from there."

    – Phormicidae

    *Teeth Chatter*

    "I bite ice cream sometimes."

    RedditbOiiiiiiiiii

    "That's how I am with popsicles. My wife shudders every single time."

    monobarreller

    Never Speak Of This

    "I put ice in my milk."

    – GTFOakaFOD

    "You should keep that kind of thing to yourself. Even when asked."

    – We-R-Doomed

    "There's some disturbing sh*t in this thread, but this one takes the cake."

    – RatonaMuffin

    More Than Super Hearing

    "I can hear the television while it's on mute."

    – Tira13e

    "What does it say to you, child?"

    – Mama_Skip

    Yikes!

    "I put mustard on my omelettes."

    – Deleted User

    "Oh."

    – NotCrustOr-filling

    Evened Up

    "Whenever I say a word and feel like I used a half of my mouth more than the other half, I have to even it out by saying the word again using the other half of my mouth more. If I don't do it correctly, that can go on forever until I feel it's ok."

    "I do it silently so I don't creep people out."

    – LesPaltaX

    "That sounds like a symptom of OCD (I have it myself). Some people with OCD feel like certain actions have to be balanced (like counting or making sure physical movements are even). You should find a therapist who specializes in OCD, because they can help you."

    – MoonlightKayla

    I totally have the same need for things to be balanced! Guess I'm weird and a little OCD!

    Close up face of a woman in bed, staring into the camera
    Photo by Jen Theodore

    Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.

    Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?

    But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.

    It would be so great to be sure there is something else.

    But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.

    Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:

    "Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"

    Sensations

    Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy

    "My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."

    PeachesnPain

    Recovery

    "I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."

    "My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."

    "It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."

    good_golly99

    Take Me Back

    "Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."

    "I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."

    rayrayrayray

    Free

    The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy

    "I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."

    TooReDTooHigh

    This is why I hate surgery.

    You just never know.

    Shocked

    Giphy

    "More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."

    Admirable_Buyer6528

    The SOB

    "Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."

    "Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”

    1-cupcake-at-a-time

    Colors

    "My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"

    Hannah_LL7

    "I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"

    huntokarrr

    The Fog

    "I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."

    "I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."

    Fluffy-Hotel-5184

    Through the Walls

    "My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."

    "She's quite alive and well today."

    Hot-Refrigerator6583

    Well let's all be happy to be alive.

    It seems to be all we have.

    Man's waist line
    Santhosh Vaithiyanathan/Unsplash

    Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.

    The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.

    Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.

    Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:

    "People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"

    Redditors didn't see these coming.

    Shiver Me Timbers

    "I’m always cold now!"

    – Telrom_1

    "I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."

    – r7ndom

    "140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."

    – mr_remy

    Drawing Concern

    "I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."

    – dee-fondy

    "Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"

    "Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."

    – LizardofDeath

    Unleashing Insults

    "I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”

    "It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."

    – alanamablamaspama

    Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight

    "The loose skin is a bit unexpected."

    – KeltarCentauri

    "I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."

    – KatMagic1977

    "It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."

    – Jaew96

    These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.

    Shopping

    "I can buy clothes in any store I want."

    – WaySavvyD

    "When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."

    – ganache98012

    No More Symptoms

    "Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."

    – colleennicole93

    Expanding Capabilities

    "I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."

    – Ramblonius

    People Change Their Tune

    "How much nicer people are to you."

    "My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"

    – LiZZygsu

    "Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"

    "And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"

    – awholedamngarden

    It's gonna take some getting used to.

    Bones Everywhere

    "Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."

    – Princess-Pancake-97

    "I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."

    – bekastrange

    Knee Pillow

    "Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."

    – snic2030

    "I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."

    – Strongbad23

    More Mobility

    "I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."

    "Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."

    – dma1965

    People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.

    But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.

    That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.