Dating is difficult––and truth be told, I don't know how anyone can do it right now, what with a pandemic going on and all. Just the thought stresses me out. Dating is especially hard for people who defy expectations in a heteronormative society. Take bisexuals, for example.
Bisexuals have been open about their struggles maintaining relationships with both men and women, even having to lie about their sexuality if they want to date certain people.
"I feel like if I end up in a straight relationship, I'll look like I was just experimenting all these years, but if I end up in a gay relationship people will say I was never actually bisexual," one man told the BBC in 2019. "Then if I don't have a monogamous relationship people will say I'm just greedy."
Indeed, the pressure to be either gay or straight can be a lot to navigate. After Redditor Trevor-on-Reddit asked the online community, "Bisexual people who have dated both genders, what are some notable differences you've learned about dating both men and women?" bisexuals spoke candidly about their experiences. Take note: You might learn something new.
"They both think..."
They both think their signals are clear. They are not.
I knew this was universal!
Practically everyone I've ever met and gotten to know has complained about communication issues at some point.
"Both genders are bad..."
Both genders are bad at communicating but in completely different ways.
Men are more likely to not tell you information that would be important to you simply because they don't deem it important. They gave you the important information. If you can't understand it, then you're either trying to complicate the issue or you're not listening to them.
Women are more likely to not tell you information important to them because they see it as obvious. If they have to tell you the issue, then you're not paying attention to them and the issue at hand or you're not as invested in the relationship as they are.
This sounds like the basis of every family sitcom ever made.
It does get tiring to see those same tropes rehashed over and over again, I'll admit.
"They both still have that same tenderness..."
Dating a man feels like one of your male best friends decided he likes dick one day. Dating women feels "softer" and even though common interests are there, there's more of that listening to their interests because they like it and you're interested in them and not because you care about the subject at hand.
They both still have that same tenderness and butterfly feeling. That's been my experience so far anyways.
"I find the dynamics of trust..."
I'm a bisexual man. I find the dynamics of trust to be vastly different between my male and female companions. Men have been quicker to trust me, but became more nervous over time; women needed more time to build that trust, but once it was there, it was solid.
I've generally thought of that as not being inherent to their gender and instead tied to how they relate to my maleness. In the same-sex relationships, there's a lot more risk involved because of societal heteronormativity — there's the initial pressure to be out and proud that prompts these men to engage in their relationships with passion, but then there's a worry that the relationship will fail because of the toxic aspect of queer pride. With the women, there's a general fear of violence from men, so there's more caution early on.
"It's much easier to find a man..."
So keep in mind that this is my own experience, and is in no way meant to apply to everyone.
I'm a bi male.
Non-sexually, men are much more straightforward in almost every way. Everything from what they want to eat, to whether or not they're interested in you. Women rely much more on cues or non-verbal communication.
In my experience, gay men have been the least receptive to the fact that I'm bi. Straight women tend to be hesitant, but if they've already shown interest in me they usually are still interested after I tell them I'm bi.
Sexually, with men it's about finishing. With women it's about the journey. With men, I've had more than one occasion where we're playing video games and someone starts getting frisky. We pause, get each other off, and are back to playing games in like 10 minutes. Women, on the other hand, tends to like getting frisky, then foreplay, then sex, then winding down.
It's much easier to find a man to be with than a woman, at least for me.
I'm below average in the looks department (like a 3, maybe a 4 on a good day). The women who are interested in me tend to be around there, and I've never had an objectively"hot" one show interest in me. While most of the men I've been with also fall somewhere around there, I've slept with a couple of genuinely hot guys. Muscular, tanned, well-endowed. There's a certain set of guys that really like chubby guys and apparently I fit the bill for them.
Everyone likes cuddles though.
Cuddling is incredible.
I can confirm I've been aghast when I've had a partner who didn't like cuddling.
"One thing I noticed..."
One thing I noticed back when I was dating was that women have a lot more baggage when it comes to physical intimacy. Women go through a lot, they have tons of pressures put on them, many have had negative sexual experiences. It's, well, just more complicated. The guys I dated were frankly much more direct and more simplistic about it. I'm not saying either of these descriptions apply to all women or men, but that was my experience. With guys it was like 'hey, wanna make out?' and just sort of that simple.
To which this person replied:
As a woman, that's definitely contributing to it. For women, sex is wrapped up with so much bs. It's wrapped up in the ambient (or direct) shaming crisscrossed with our sexualized bodies plastered everywhere that we grow up with, it's wrapped up with the adult men who harassed us when we were preteens and teens, it's wrapped up in the frightening moments when a boy corners us thinking he's being smooth when really he's been aggressive and scary, in the nerves about walking alone, in the fear of giving a man 'the wrong idea' and being told it's our fault when he hurts us, in the stigma and burden of unwanted pregnancy and the choices or lack thereof in that...
It's really hard for sex to be simple for women. I'd bet money that by the time any woman in the world has hit the age of twenty, she has a story of being harassed or victimized in some way. It becomes a minefield.
"Other than that..."
It's much harder to find a girl who wants to date you than a guy if you're a girl. Either you keep finding straight women, or you both are afraid of being too forward and no one makes the first move. Guys are way less shy about it. But since it's so much harder to get a girlfriend, the relationships with women tend to last longer, because we wouldn't have gotten together if we weren't pretty sure we were compatible.
Other than that, there's not a huge difference. Individual people are more unique than men are from women, if that makes sense. But I will say I've never had to fight with or teach a woman why something that happened to me was misogynistic. It's more likely that she's experienced something similar.
"I've dated enough personalities..."
I'm a bi woman.
There's not much difference, in my experience. I've dated enough personalities to dismantle virtually any stereotype about gender lol. The most romantic and clingy were guys, the most aloof was a woman. People are just so different.
Dating women does come with the queer element though, where you have awkwardness over who to be "out" to. I've been lucky enough to mostly steer clear of biphobia but I did briefly date a girl who I think just wanted to be queer because that was her idea of herself (for activist reasons or something?) but I am skeptical if she was actually queer. Needless to say, that didn't last.
Conversely, when I date guys, I sometimes get anxious about being perceived as straight or "gay until she found a dude". Not that what people think matters, but it's funny. When I date women I worry about homophobia, when I date guys, I worry about being erased.
Oh, small difference - I always insist on splitting the bill, which is pretty typical for same-sex dating. I think sometimes guys think that means I don't like them.
"While dating a woman..."
Bi woman. The biggest one was trust/biphobia and the way the two interrelate.
While dating a woman, having close male friends has always been off the table. It seems to really threaten/make uncomfortable my girlfriend and tends to turn into a never-ending "But are you SURE you don't have feelings for him? you're REALLY not attracted to him?" So many lesbians genuinely hate bi women and think they're always going to cheat or leave for a guy.
Conversely, men don't give a damn if I have close female friends while dating them, but are far more likely to fetishize the knowledge that I've had past female partners. Which is obviously really uncomfortable if done in any sort of excess.
Dating isn't easy, people.
When you're someone attracted to both genders, that can come with a host of baggage, namely the weight of everyone else's expectations and prejudices. Try talking to your bi friends sometime––you might glean some brilliant insights that you otherwise might not hear.
Have some of your own stories to share? Feel free to tell us about them in the comments below.f
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America is in quite a state right now.
We are hurting in ways we've never hurt before.
And getting better doesn't seem like an option on the horizon.
America gets a lot wrong everyday.
But, maybe let's try to focus on what America does right.
Maybe it can be a little comfort in times of struggle.
People from all over the world want to live here.
Redditor Ulrich-Stern wanted to discuss the best of America. They asked:
"What does the United States get right?"
I think America certainly has a strong work ethic. We know how to work and win.
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"Accessibility code for buildings. I come from a country where disability is looked upon like a crime or fault. USA does an amazing job making things accessible. I haven’t seen all of USA but majority of the places has amazing system."
"Our public libraries are a real backbone for the country."
"Andrew Carnegie's groundwork in building the institution of free libraries, even in small towns, set a precedent that we wouldn't fathom today but couldn't live without. They often serve not only as an information exchange but as cultural hub, art gallery, performing arts center, tax aid, voter registration, job resources, etc. in communities."
"Plus they're one of the only places you can just exist for hours indoors without the expectation you must buy something.And I feel like they've adapted to the ever-changing needs of their patrons in modern times faster in the US than most places."
"'A library outranks any other one thing a community can do to benefit its people. It is a never failing spring in the desert.' -Andrew Carnegie"
'restore' or 'create'
"Valuing actual wilderness in places like national parks. Here in England, they will 'restore' or 'create' natural habitats, which is sort-of nice, but they are almost like zoos. They are too small to survive by themselves so they are actively maintained."
"And in some English national parks, they actually allow housing developments as long as the architectural design is sympathetic. Here, 'countryside"'means farms. There is still a notion in the USA of protecting some large wilderness areas from development."
"The rate of smoking cigarettes. We do very little well in the US when it comes to overall health, but we are light years better than most places when it comes to the prevalence of cigarette smoking. Hardcore anti smoking adds + laws of inconvenience + social stigma really did work."
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"Films. Don't get me wrong, the US can put out some bad films, but the best ones I've seen are usually American."
We do do films well. That is a big plus.
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"The United States adopts more children than the rest of the world combined."
"Burgers. Motherfreakin' burgers."
"I'd expand that to sandwiches in general. Burgers, Philly cheese steaks, Reubens, subs, clubs, chopped cheese, po'boys, just this whole sandwich spectrum. Americans just took sandwich concepts from across the globe and ran with them."
"I've always envied your wildlife. I'm from England and the only large wild animals (other than fish) we have are deer, boar and foxes. And they're incredibly rare. I've always thought it was so cool one country could have bears, moose, cougars, alligators, panthers, bison/buffalo, etc."
"Gas stations like QuikTrip, where they have clean bathrooms, lighted parking lots, free air for your tires, ten different coffees on tap, beer, hotdogs, any soft drink or snack you want, the list goes on. In other countries -- you're not gonna believe this -- their gas stations only sell... gas."
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"The US is an absolute science powerhouse. The technology we come out with has touched the lives of nearly every person on the planet."
"I say this as an immigrant who came to this country, so perhaps take it with a grain of salt. But it truly gives people a second chance at life. My life would be nowhere near as good as it is right now if I were back in my home country."
Maybe America isn't the hot mess a lot of people think it is. We'll see...
Sex is an important part of life.
That is just a fact.
But sex is also about connection and intimacy.
So it's not a surprise when many relationships take a hit after the sex dries up.
It's not something to ignore.
It's the biggest problem in the world, but partners should discuss it.
RedditorItsyBitsyJoxywanted to hear about reasons to stick around with a partner when there is no sexy time. They asked:
"Would you be in a sexless relationship? What circumstance would you find acceptable for this?"
Sex is fun. And when the sex stopped in my relationships... so did the fun. But that is just me.
A Certain EraVery Funny Oops GIF by America's Funniest Home VideosGiphy
"I'm over 80."
"There’s a lot of people that are going to be real shocked once they hit their 70s."
"Our second child has ruined her sex drive. Intimacy is still there but extremely infrequently. I've learned how much that intimacy brings to the relationship, it feels very lonely and although I know it's not her fault, it can still make you feel like she's not attracted to me anymore. It can be pretty lonely too if you go from a romantic relationship to borderline platonic one. You can't help wonder how much is body changes and how much is you."
"I had rectal cancer and because of the surgery I can no longer get an erection, it's very lonely."
"Not sure if one exists, but a site to just make friends to be cuddle buddies, or whatever, should exist for people like you & me. I lost my sex drive & would like a relationship for that occasionally."
"In my case, it's not wanting to see someone very often, as well as the lack of sex drive, that I think would make it difficult. I also don't like people over to my home as it's too small for a couch & we'd be hanging out on my bed, which is weird to me."
"I'm in one now. My husband had a stroke... no sex is not the big problem for either one of us."
"This comment brings a lot of perspective. My gut reaction to this question was no. Sex was and still is pretty significant in my relationship with my wife. We’re in our 30’s and have been together over a decade. But if something happened to her and it was no longer an option? I would never leave her and love her too damned much to imagine it, no matter how much we love sex."
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"I have a near sexless marriage. The love is strong, but the desire is one-sided. That hurts."
Sexless over loveless is definitely easier. So there is that.
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"I am happily married to my good lady for decades and decades. There are times when it has been sexless for whatever reason but never has it been loveless.I wouldn’t have lasted 2 days in a loveless relationship."
You play the cards you are dealt
"I’m dating a man who got diagnosed with prostate cancer a year or so into our relationship. Prostate had to come out and it’s a hit or miss whether or not sexual function comes back. In his case, it was a miss. He wanted me to move on because he got very depressed over it."
"He’s so pleasant and a real decent human being so I stayed with him. Who would abandon someone due to a health crisis? Unfortunately he got bladder cancer next so this is another hurdle to go over. You play the cards you are dealt. We are together in this."
"The reasons for the 'sexlessness' and the depth of the relationship are key factors. My wife got breast cancer at 40 and while she lived another 8 years, the chemotherapy nullified her libido and made intercourse impossible. And yet I dearly wish we could have grown old together whether or not this would have changed. But that’s completely different from cohabiting a loveless marriage or even facing such a situation in one’s youth only a few years after marriage. That would be hard."
"A sexless relationship is better than a loveless relationship, as long as I'm loved and we share physical affection like cuddling and kisses and I'm allowed to beat my meat when I need too I wouldn't care. Just a heads up to all the people who take this personally enough to comment how wrong I am."
"There's no such thing as a wrong option, my opinion is in regards to myself and myself alone I'm not answering for anyone else. Different opinions aren't wrong... OP asked a question to be answered from your own point of view..so there's no reason to call anyone else wrong... it's about you, answer for YOU I've answered for me."
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"I'm in one. Not happy about it, but love is still there so that's nice."
"Same. Maybe had it once in the last 12 years. Finally decided to go to couples/sex therapy this year. Not sure it is helping, but at least I finally brought up that I wanted to try something. My wife is my best friend and I love here with every fiber, just wish there was more intimacy there."
it never happens...
"We haven't had sex in five months due to numerous reasons. Never have alone time with my mom and daughter here. We're both too tired. Our bed we have sex on is where my mom is sleeping. Our waterbed is difficult to use. We always say next weekend and it never happens. We're still going strong though. We love each other and that's what matters."
Well I guess some people can make it work. More power to you.
We all have things which get on our nerves.
Some people have a fairly high tolerance level, and are only truly perturbed by things which are beyond the bounds of common decency, or which are universally accepted as annoying or inconvenient.
Others are not so lucky, and tend to be set off by things which might go completely unnoticed by everyone else.
Redditor Onatic420 was curious to learn the things which instantly make others want to pull their hair out and scream, leading them to ask:
"What do you find annoying as f*ck?"
Is it so hard to pick up after yourself?
"Habitual litterers."- SuvenPan
"When people don’t clean up after themselves."- cheeto_has_spoken
If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen
"People that can dish it but can’t take it."
"I work with a dude like this and it’s terrible."- MF_GhidraTea Time Reaction GIF by Kamie CrawfordGiphy
Never judge something by it's size.
"When skin tears near your fingernail and that teeny tiny wound hurts way more than it should."- BlackCaaaaat
"When mosquitoes fly by ur ears."- AxcesDrifter
Back to where we started...
"The Reddit app when it scrolls back up to the top of the 65 TRILLION FKN articles you’ve read."
"It should burn the articles as you read them."- Deathdar1577
Take some responsibility!
"A person's inability to say sorry."- rohankentsorry kristen wiig GIFGiphy
Get out of the way!
"People who leave the f*cking shopping carts in middle of the f*cking aisle!"- otherm0ther
But enough about me, what do you think of me?
"People who make it all about themselves."- ExtensionAir7Proud Drag Queen GIF by CameoGiphy
A lost cause
"Willfully ignorant people."- KingZaneTheStrange
Be it the way another person behaves or common, every day occurrences, we all have things which get on our nerves.
Most of the time it's best to grin and bear it.
But next time you see someone litter, it might be a fine opportunity to let that anger out.
For your sake, and everyone else's.
How many of us heard the old saying "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" as a child?
Or were told by their parents that watching too much television would make your eyes fall out?
Needless to say, these, as well as other sayings and superstitions, were not 100% accurate, possibly even having no truth to them whatsoever
Rather, these were merely a way to encourage, or scare, children into better eating habits, or getting away from the TV once and a while.
Some however, have, took these and other unsubstantiated pieces of information literally, and continue to believe them to be true.
Redditor wste96 was curious to believe what other falsehoods people continue to believe, in spite of proof to the contrary, leading them to ask:
"What's the biggest lie ever told that we, as a society, still believe in?"
Justice will be served... won't it?
"What goes around comes around."
"Sometimes it doesn't."- Recent_View6254
"That people get what they deserve, or must deserve what they get."- HugeMcAwesome
It's just a phase.... or is it?
"That acne will go away after your teen years."- One_Arachnid_1256Scared Freak Out GIF by Lillee JeanGiphy
Better cut back on those TV dinners...
"Microwaves give you cancer"- Salt-Significance702
Absolutely no justification.
"That torture is an effective method of extracting information."
"Every ten years or so, some three letter agency or another is forced to admit that their torture program yielded nothing but false leads and wrecked lives."
"Then goes straight back to doing it."
"The general population shrugs and says 'if it's the only way to get intel' as if they weren't just told point blank that it doesn't work."- barnfodder
A little kindness goes a very long way
"That being nice and accommodating is a sign of weakness."- AidilAfham42Be Nice GIF by Susanne LambGiphy
"Square cut or pear shaped, these rocks don't lose their shape..."
"Diamonds are rare which us why they are expensive."
"They're very very common, their price is kept high by controlling how many enter the market by the De Beers group, which basically has a monopoly on them and hoards them."
"Synthetic/lab grown diamonds are the exact same as natural and even cheaper to make, but people are still convinced they're not as good as 'real' diamonds."- no_ps_wow
Unrealistic expectations on society
"That we need to work tirelessly and wear ourselves out in order to have a good future and stay happy."- iambigego
"Go to a great college and get a great job and have a great life."- MewsikMaker
When you just can't hold it any more...
"That there is a chemical you can put in pools that turns blue when you pee."- Sad_Cherry2884GIF by South Park Giphy
As the saying goes, you can't believe everything you read.
But for the sake of others, still best to avoid peeing in pools.