I hate spam callers. And now that robocalling has become incessant, we can't escape it. Until recently I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one being hounded and stalked. The amount of time I've spent doing research on phone numbers infuriates me. I/m done with tears and frustration. It's time for revenge. Let's put together a plan.
Redditor u/petey_wheatstraw_99 wanted highlights about how to deal with the ridiculous amount of unwanted phone calls by asking... What's the best response to a spam caller to flip the tables on them?Today alone, I got five calls. My biggest question is who thinks this is a good idea? Why would I buy something from someone who is actively trying to drive me insane? Whoever is on the other end... I don't dislike you... I hate you and I'm not alone.
OK
No Way Reaction GIF by FreeformGiphyThere's a great spam baiting video on YouTube (for the Nigerian Prince type of email) where the guy just responds to every email with 'OK'. I'd imagine that would work pretty well on the phone as well.
Act Up
Act like you're on board, but enthusiastically misunderstand everything.
Spam caller: hi we've been trying to reach you concerning your car's extended warranty please tell us the make and model of your car.
Op: OMG I'M GETTING A NEW CAR YES YES YES I'VE BEEN NEEDED ONE FOR SO LONG!
spam caller: wait for sir no we need the-
Op crying: I finally get to go and see the world and be happy. My job will hire me back and life will go on! Thank you kind stranger!
Hello?
I play dumb. Like, really freaking dumb. I use my best Valley Girl accent with plenty of upticks.
Car insurance spam? "I like, don't believe in cars? Because like? They're like, a government conspiracy to like, make you pay gas? Like, they don't exist?"
For some reason they never call again.
Tech Stuff
Computer Working GIFGiphyTwenty minutes into trying to solve my "computer issues". "Sorry can I just ask, does my computer need to be on while doing this?"
The Old Beater
Throughout my life I have always owned at least one old beater car. So sometimes when I get those car warranty calls I will tell them that I would love to get my warranty extended on my 1980s oldsmobile or whatever I own at the time. I then launch into a list of all the things that are wrong with it at the time.
"Does this cover the frame rot I'm experiencing? What about the rust hole forming at the door? No? Okay what about the door seals that have gone to rot? No? Okay what about the exhaust? I think there is a slight leak maybe it is the header rusting through a little. No? Okay well what about the engine burning oil? Will you guys cover that?"
Let me Look..
My grandma was asked about her computer she told them she will look for it. Left the phone for 45 minutes. Came back saying she never found one as she doesn't own one. I love her so much.
Better off...
My cousin was out working in the back fields of his property and got a spam call claiming that he owed thousands of dollars to the IRS or something. Quick on his feet he started sobbing to the guy, saying that he had just found out that his wife was cheating, and she was going to leave him. Last week his dog had got hit by a truck. How he was really far behind on all sorts of payments.
And now he learns that how owes thousands to the IRS. He tells the caller that he just doesn't see how he can go on living. That he'd be better off dead. Cousin pulls his pistol and fires a round. The scammer was quite distraught through it all.
Hey Youngin'
phone foot GIF by AFV BabiesGiphyI give the phone to my toddler. They usually hang up after a couple minutes of babble and button pushing.
Vengeance...
There is a CD made by Tom Mabe called "Revenge On The Telemarketers". This is him recording calls and messing with telemarketers. Most of the jokes are ok, but one stands out.
A carpet cleaning business called him. He responds with "Oh thank God you called, can you get blood out of the carpet?"
They respond with "Yes"
He goes on with "I mean a LOT of blood, it's everywhere"...
This goes on for a while.
In an interview I found on PBS, he explained that the telemarketer called the cops on him because of that call. The police showed up and checked out the house to find there was no blood and he explained it was just him messing with a telemarketer. One cop found it hilarious, the other was not amused.
Jerry Said...
seinfeld GIF by HULUGiphyThe Seinfeld response.
"I'm busy right now but if you give me your home phone, I'll call later this evening."
"Sorry sir, I can't do that"
"Oh you don't want strangers calling you at home? Now you know how I feel." ... click...
High Crimes
About a week ago a spam caller called me AGAIN and this time I was like "Did you hide the body?" and the person on the other line was like "What?" they REALLY sounded scared.
Samies...
I used to keep getting called by the same caller for about a month, they would constantly say that my car needed insurance (I already have car insurance) so I responded with the exact bs that they said to me, they instantly shut up and after about a minute of waiting for them to respond I hung up.
Lemme Think...
Just pretend interested, but never say anything like that can be considered as "yes", always with "maybe", then say something like "I have to check with my mom, just a sec." Then just place the phone somewhere else without hanging up, and ignore them until they close the line. It's their time you're wasting. Forget them. I think my record is 26min keeping them on the line while I was playing online poker.
Dead!
dead seth meyers GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphyI always do the forcefully awkward "yea he's dead. He past away over the weekend."
Open Line
So I work at a call center but it's for actual bills that people signed legal agreements for, for assets they are paying on. When people do this I just let the line remain open until they need to use their phone again because I don't want to call someone else. Eventually they hang up.
Also our management doesn't monitor our OB calls. Heh.
The Survey
I ask them to tell me the name of their company. As they do that, I am typing www.ftc.gov and opening up a complaint form. Then I ask them to spell the name of the company, ask for the address and the company phone number in case we get disconnected. Once I complete the complaint form, I say, "Ok, got all your info, the complaint has been filed with the FTC. Good day."
And I hang up.
For those calling to 'survey me', I ask if they are paying for my time. When they say, "no," I say, "then we are done talking because my time is worth money" and hang up the phone. The first time my kids heard me do this they were stunned. Now they do the same thing.
Morgue
season 13 episode 22 GIFGiphyI answer " Adams county morgue" all but 1 hung up. When he started talking I said " sir this is the morgue, and acted like I was yelling to a coworker about the head being in separate area " Click.
Moshi-Moshi
I'd answer the phone with "Moshi Moshi". People who actually know me know I'm an ex-weeb and just being weird, but spam callers will put you down as a non-English speaker and not call you because they can't communicate.
If you get the one spam caller who can speak Japanese, start answering with "coi rodo". If you find a spam caller who can speak Lojban let the authoring group know.
The Interrupt...
Spam caller: Hello, I'm calli
interrupt them
You: can you give me a second? (wait 15secs) Ok I'm back. How can I help you.
Spam caller: Yes, I'm callin
You: Please hold. (wait 30 seconds) I'm back.
Spam caller: We're calling abo
You: Please hold.
Rinse and repeat.
All great suggestions. Now let's implement in real time and see if we get the responses we were hoping for. Of course, ignoring the call is still always an option.
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Redditor Tight_Anywhere6794 wanted to hear about the things parents have said in the past that haunts everyone still, so they asked:
"What insult have your parents said, that is stuck in your head as an adult?"
I've been blessed with the mother I had.
So I can't speak from experience.
But I've heard parenting horror stories.
Bad Expressions
Sad Kid GIF by 1tvGiphy“'You’re so annoying.' Said to me as a young kid while I was expressing enthusiasm over some new interest. Later my father complains I never tell him anything."
foppishyyy
Mean Spirited
"What did I do to deserve a fat kid?"
Silosolo
"My parents also mocked me for being fat, and outright physically abused me as in forcefully grabbed my fat child manboobs or slapped me while calling me fat-related names."
"A lot of people at school did it too, so obviously I have a lot of self-image issues like I never let anyone see me without clothes these days. The worst part is that I legitimately internalized a lot of hate, I could never care for myself enough to actually get fit."
FoeWithBenefits
What's My Name?
"My parents divorced when I was young and they hate each other. My mom would call me my dad's name when she was really upset. What makes it worse is that I confided in her that I never wanted to be like my dad. She used that ammunition against me."
Discarded_Pariah
"That's awful. You are your own person. You aren't your father."
blksmnr
Unfunny
"'You can't even laugh right.'"
"My mom in a weird moment I thought we were bonding. There's something inherently extra evil when someone tells you your joy is wrong. Told her I'm engaged and hoped she could at least be happy I'm happy and she ghosted everyone to the point the family thought died. She's a mess."
BlindEditor
"I'll never understand parents that are so hard on their own children that they can't even be happy for them. So their sole function is to bring misery to their offspring?"
macabre_irony
Evil
Oh My God Wow GIF by The Roku ChannelGiphy"My little brother was drowning, I tried to save him but also almost drowned, we got rescued by a neighbor. My mom told me that they should've left me in the pond. I haven't spoken to her in many years."
Ilookbetterthanyou
Good Lord. How do people like this exist?
Tragic.
HIM
"She told me I was acting just like my father when I would get upset. I would just get kinda pissy and sulk. He would go on rampages and scream and hit and throw things. He pushed her down the stairs once. I would never lay a finger on my current partner. The worst part is I look just like him. I was wondering if my mother always expected me to turn into my dad. I prove her wrong every day."
rot_grl
10 Years Old
"When I was ~10 years old, my mum once said 'If I could go back in time and make sure I never gave birth to you, I would in a heartbeat.'"
"Never forgot it. Talked to her about it a couple of times years later and her responses ranged from 'That never happened' to 'Oh yeah and I suppose I’m just the worst mother ever' and finally 'Yeah but I didn’t mean it, you know that.'"
"Messed me up tho tbh. Another one was '[older sibling] was the only child we actually planned for, the rest of you were accidents.' I don’t think it was intended as an insult, but being told your entire existence was an accident as a child kinda stung."
SpiderP*bes
Failures
“'You’re the biggest mistake I ever made.' - my mother when I was 5. I’m 32 now and it’s been the undercurrent for our relationship ever since, constantly wondering if anything I’ve achieved or struggled for is something she’s genuinely proud of or just relieved to say I wasn’t a total failure on her part."
thefaehost
Generational Issues
"Not a parent but a grandparent, I was adopted when I was 12 years old (my parents were both drug addicts so I was in and out of foster care most of my life) my adopted mother's father turned to me on Christmas Eve when no one else was around and said 'My daughter should have never adopted you, she should have let you stay on the streets where you belong'… he got nicer as he got older and sicker but I couldn’t find it in myself to forget what he said even almost 10 years later. Went to the funeral for moral support but was indifferent about his passing."
samweather227
Just Me
Sad Kids GIF by Cian DucrotGiphy"I was an only child and lonely. When I asked for a sibling, the response was 'If you want to know why we don't have more kids, go look in the mirror.'"
Responsible_Fly_3565
Some people should never have children.
Awful.
"What is something you no longer have patience for?"
Off The Clock Means OFF THE CLOCK!
"Working outside of work hours."
"I used to go above and beyond, now I only put in what is required."
"Life is too short to live only to work."- Chesterfieldcat
"The working world."
"My life doesn’t revolve around working here and it never will."
"It will never be a part of my identity."
"I come in, do the job, make money, go home."
"Don’t expect me to come to all the work happy hours so I can pretend how much I love working here."- nuclearsalt
Some Things Just Don't Get A Free Pass
"Sh*tty people getting a pass 'because they're family'."- cgulash
angry homer simpson GIFGiphySay What You Mean, Not What You Feel
"Having to guess what people REALLY mean by something they said."
"I take everything people say at face value now and don't replay conversations in my head to find out the real meaning anymore."
"Be passive-aggressive if you want to but talk to me like an adult if you really have a problem."- WateredDownSalt
EYES ON THE ROAD!
"People who text and drive."
"You're driving a giant piece of metal propelled by explosive liquid."
"Pay attention."- MasterfulNothasie
The Only Life That Should Concern You Is Your Own
"People and groups of people that only talk about other people."- Turf98
"People who can’t mind their fucking business and are always worried about what other people are doing."
"If it doesn’t effect you, f*ck off."
"It’s literally free."- wackwackwackjpg
GIF by WWEGiphySome People Didn't Mind Social Distancing
"People invading my personal space."- Mighty-Foreskin
Influence Can Be Dangerous
"Anything that has “influencer” in it."- chemistcarpenter
Indoor Voices People...
"Streamers screaming, losing their sh*t, breaking things, and having tantrums."
"I used to think this was so funny now I just can't stand it; I can't even watch a streamer if I notice they're not using their normal talking voice." - Reddit
Fail Oh No GIF by G2 EsportsGiphyTaking Responsibility Is A Sign Of Maturity
"People who constantly blame others for the situation they are in."- SuvenPan
Time Is Precious And Shouldn't Be Wasted
"Waiting on people who are constantly late to plans."
"I will wait 15 minutes then excuse myself."- Dabbles-In-Irony
There's Multi-Tasking, And Then There's Just Being Rude...
"People being on their phone while in a conversation with you."
"Seriously."
"Put your phone away!"- rosieblinkstime
Phone GIF by Poehlmann FitnessGiphyIt Takes So Much More Effort To Be Nasty...
"Bad manners, unkindness and general rudeness."
"It costs nothing to be a nice person and from someone who works in a customer-facing industry, attitudes, sadly, appear to be getting worse."
"It really makes me cross."- Bellamiles85
At Least They're Being Transparent
"Medicine commercials with worse side-effects than the thing being cured."- mrbbrj
Wasting our time and thoughts about things that we know can only bring us down is simply no way to get through life.
It's essential to live our lives by taking the present moment for what it is: a present.