As someone who cooks for a large group pretty much daily, allow me to give you my biggest and best kitchen tip:
Clean. As. You. Cook.
You're probably not a professional kitchen running ten burners at once, you can likely find space to clean the counter or load a dish while your protein cooks. That way you can just eat and not have to worry about cleaning up after feeding your small army.
I just saved you from so much stress, wasted time, and frustration; I'm kind of a hero.
You're welcome, y'all.
Reddit user Sunieta25 asked:
"Cooks of Reddit, what is the best kitchen advice anyone should know?"
You might be a little caught off guard by what you find here, especially if you're expecting some secret recipe or little-known cooking technique.
You will absolutely not be surprised if you've worked in professional kitchens and your first thought was "Never trust the mandolin."
Because ...
Never Trust The Mandolin
"Use the edge guard when you use the mandolin."
- drjeffy
"I felt that pain all over again reading this comment. That thing scares me now."
- JesusDoesVegas
"Please please please. Spilled a fair amount of blood even with cut-resistant gloves."
- Esperillo
"When the recipe calls for three pounds of veg I buy four and just stop slicing well before I get close."
"No need to go all the way and risk it.. just buy the extra potato."
- grhymesforyou
"As an ER doctor, I second this advice."
- Csquared913
GiphyA Burn Buffer
"Contrary to popular belief, it often doesn’t work out great if you add your chopped/minced garlic to hot oil/butter first."
"It burns so quickly and tastes yuck. I like to brown something else first, like onions, and then add the garlic. The onions are like a burn buffer!"
- thefastasleepside
"Even better is to understand why a 'burn buffer' works. It basically comes down the evaporation of water."
"Water boils at 100C and when it leaves the pan it takes heat away with it. You can put a pan full of water on the hottest stove around, and it's not going to get hotter than 100C until the water has virtually all evaporated."
"Put a thin layer of oil in the same pan and it will quickly reach much higher temperatures and the oil will smoke and burn."
"Most food contains water, and as that water escapes, it's reducing the amount of heat building up in the pan and in it's contents."
"But the water inside most foods can't get out as easily as plain water because some of it gets trapped inside the structure of the food, and can't escape until that structure breaks down enough via heating (and stirring, mashing)."
"So long as your onions are still releasing steam, they're reducing the amount of heat stored in the pan and it's contents and your garlic is less likely to burn. As soon as all the water is evaporated though, it'll burn quite quickly."
- Tiny_Mirror22
"Omg, I needed this 🥺 a newbie cook here."
- National_Style_6568
Baking Science
"You follow instructions when baking. You follow your heart when cooking."
- Frodo_noooo
"Baking is a perfect example of 'don't tear down walls unless you know why they were built.' "
"If you know the chemistry at play, and what each ingredient is doing, you can get creative. But in baking, every ingredient does something and seemingly benign add-ons or substitutions can change that something."
- ArthurBonesly
Tradition
"There is no such thing as 'authentic.' Cuisine is an ever changing thing. The food of any single place now was very different a hundred or more years ago because of constant changing of culture and trade within that culture."
"The word you should be using instead is, 'traditional' - and even that is not 100% perfect because what is traditional in one part of a country can be very different in another part of that same country. It can even go so far as being different going from household to household."
"But 'traditional' is the best term we have."
"With that said, 'traditional' is way overrated. If it was the be-all end-all, then our cuisines would be stagnant."
"Indian food would not have tomatoes and potatoes in it since those ingredients came from South and North America and not from the Asian continent."
"Mexican food would not have any beef or cheese in it since cows came from Europe. And you get the idea."
"So, have fun with mixing up cuisines. Instead of using sauerkraut for your German dish, you want to use Korean kimchi because you think the flavors will go well with each other? Go right ahead."
"Sure, there will be purest who will look down their nose at you but I am sure those purest have no problem having vanilla in their Italian gelato or using peanuts in their Thai noodle sauces. (Those ingredients are neither European or Asian.)"
- inksmudgedhands
GiphyKnife Knowledge
"A blunt knife is more dangerous than a sharp one. Always keep your knives sharp."
- ticklemytinypickles
"And a dropped knife has no handle! Get out of the way and let it fall."
- RazorRamonReigns
"A slightly dull knife is dangerous because it makes slicing more difficult, but still possible. It just requires more pressure, which increases the likelihood that the knife will slip and cut something you weren’t meaning to cut."
- Shark-Farts
"Every single time I've cut myself in the kitchen there have been one of two explanations: I was drunk or my knife was dull."
"The former was a case of a lesson learned in one, but the latter cost my chunks of fingertips on four or five occasions before I made it a point to make sure my knife was sharp before I started cutting rather than finding out when I slip and hope a fingernail somehow deflects the blade."
- clecticDreck
While.
"Clean while you're cooking. While."
- DarkPasta
"This."
"People who consider themselves good cooks but leave behind a mountain of mess that someone else has to clean up are very rarely remembered for their cooking, but rather the mess they leave."
- c3l77
"This is something I wish I did sooner, definitely made things easier and cleared up more work space."
- ForgottenForce
"This will save you so much time. Even better when you have eager help from a guest (the kitchen is the gathering place, always). Just plug through."
- BrownEggs93
"I remember the first time I cleaned a pan after making spaghetti sauce in it, and realizing how easy and fast it was compared to dropping it off in the sink and coming back hours later to a caked on mess."
"And then it dawned on me that hot pans are easy as far to clean if you do it right away, and then you don't HAVE a post-meal mess to worry about after you eat. O.O "
- mdkubit
Dry Meat
"If you want crispness on the outsides of your meats, you should pat them dry before seasoning and putting them in oven or over heat."
"And you should let most meats sit for 10ish minutes after taking them off heat."
- apeanutbutterpopcorn
"Also, if you are breading meat, patting it dry is useful, too."
"Pat the meat dry with a paper towel, dredge it in flour/salt/pepper/seasoning mixture, then through beaten egg, then through bread crumbs."
"This will keep your breading from peeling off the meat when you pan fry it."
- UncomfortablyNumb43
Adding Acid
"Sometimes when you think something needs more salt, what it really needs is acid - lemon juice, vinegar, etc."
- Acceptable_Medicine2
"I was going to post this, because it’s the best cooking tip I’ve ever received. I’ll also add that you should choose that acid based on what you are cooking."
"Italian? Try some red wine vinegar."
"Mexican? Try some lime juice, etc."
- outoftuneGstring2112
GiphyQuit Complicating It
"Always be suspicious of recipes that have a lot of ingredients, relatively speaking."
"When you find a recipe you want to try, compare it to a few similar ones from a generic Google search, and try and find what the 'core' of the recipe is."
"It's pretty common for food bloggers to add a little something extra to what they're making, but this can often be unnecessary at best, and detrimental at worst."
"I'll give you an example - here's a recipe for teriyaki sauce from the New York Times:"
"1 cup soy sauce"
"1 cup granulated sugar"
"1 ½ teaspoons brown sugar"
"6 cloves garlic, crushed in a press"
"2 tablespoons grated fresh ginger"
"¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper"
"1 3-inch cinnamon stick"
"1 tablespoon pineapple juice"
"2 tablespoons cornstarch"
"And here's one from a Japanese source, Just One Cookbook:"
"½ cup sake"
"½ cup mirin"
"½ cup soy sauce"
"¼ cup sugar"
"Now, both are going to taste fine, but the additions of cinnamon, molasses, and pineapple juice in the NYT recipe ended up getting lost after cooking."
"Flavors like ginger, garlic and pepper, while nice additions, are better incorporated through a side dish, like a fried rice."
"A great way to start cooking more simply is to practice with Italian pasta dishes. Simple, regional pastas like aglio e olio, cacio e pepe, trenette al pesto, and carbonara are all made with less than 10 ingredients."
"They force you to focus on your cooking techniques to get them right, and really show off the power of highlighting one or two flavors in a dish rather than making a hodgepodge of good flavors that are competing with each other."
- AnomalousGonzo
Happy Accidents
"Accidents in steps and ingredients can sometimes lead to great discoveries. The longer you keep trying things the better you will get."
- dmtaylor34
"Worcestershire sauce- accident. Guinness- accident."
- igenus44
"Puff pastry- accident."
- lurkyturkyducken
No need to chill
"Not all fruits and veggies need to be immediately refrigerated. If they aren’t at the grocery store, they’ll probably be fine on your kitchen counter and it’ll help retain the flavors. Especially tomatoes!"
-apeanutbutterpopcorn
"Not only are tomatoes fine on the counter, that's where they're better off. DON'T refrigerate your tomatoes."
-BosoxH60
"There's something about their cellular structure, it starts breaking down under 50 degrees Fahrenheit. Also, never store onions and tomatos together, it makes the maters rot quicker"
-ConfectionPutrid5847
Bacon!!
"Cooking bacon in the oven is exponentially easier to perfect and clean up. Oven 405, line baking sheet with tin foil and lay bacon flat. Cook 13-15 minutes. perfect every time, then when fat on foil starts to harden you can just throw it away with no mess. You can also cook a lot more at once this way"
-apeanutbutterpopcorn
"Pro tip: put the bacon on baking sheet into a cold oven, set to 405 and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Why a cold oven? Bacon is fatty, needs to be cooked slowly, at a low temperature, so that most (but not all) of the fat renders away while leaving the finished product crispy and golden brown. So at 15 minutes, start watching the bacon closely- you want the bacon golden brown, but not excessively crisp,m. The exact time will depend on the thickness of the bacon slices and how quickly your oven reaches the target temperature."
-tbarb00
"I put the bacon grease on our dogs food, usually have enough for 2 meals for them & of course they love it!"
-MyTurkishWade
parks and rec bacon GIFGiphyprep, always prep.
"Have ingredients prepared before starting to cook.
It seems quite a Pinterest thing, but having the ingredients cut, weighed and peeled let you make everything in the moment it need to be done. And you'll cook faster."
"Many recipes can be spoiled if you have to stop everything and prepare some ingredient. Butter or eggs at room temperature, defrosted food or anything you have to cook beforehand, are also great examples."
-nora_morgendorffer
"for my ADHD brain I absolutely have to do this, otherwise I will accidentally leave out an ingredient, every time, or my chicken will still be in the freezer, or something like that"
-astrangewindblows
" 'Mise en place' is the professional cooking term for this"
-ConnoisseurOfDanger
"I like to do that the first few times doing a recipe, but many recipes have dead time that can be used to prep later ingredients instead of just sitting there waiting. You just need to know the whole process well enough to identify what needs to be ready first and what can be done in the middle of things."
-ddejong42
Multi-Surface situation
"Carbon steel skillets (or cast iron) are the way to go. Season them and the treat them well and they will last a lifetime. Never again use a teflon coated aluminum pan."
-Tiderace
"I love carbon steel. Cooks like cast iron without the extra weight, but I still have regular aluminum for sauces - particularly tomato. (And sometimes non-stick for eggs, of course.)"
-B-WingPilot
"My general view is variety makes sense here. People buy sets of pots with the same finish for the aesthetics of it, but really you want different finishes for different techniques."
"Carbon steel for when you need to change temps rapidly, like making a sauce. Cast iron for when you want the pan to hold heat, like searing. Non-stick for eggs."
-owleabf
Keep trying.
" 'I don't know how to cook' I learned at the age of 37 and there are so many cook books that focus on minimal ingredients and that are cheap to by. JUST TRY and if you mess it up, try again before long you'll be a pretty good cook and be confident to try more trickier recipes"
-LJCMOB
"This here! Just keep attempting things and let experience be the great teacher it is."
-SimplyDirectly
"Agreed, I've messed up so many recipes but got it right the 2nd or 3rd time round. Also I cooked the first one just for me, so if it was horrible it was only me that had to suffer through it."
-LJCMOB
major payne GIFGiphyWeighing vs measuring
'When measuring flour, use a scale not a measuring cup. Due to how flour is packed, the same amount can change up to 25% in volume. The same 120gr of flour can take up 1 cup or 4/5 a cup or 1 1/4 cup. Imagine it like having ten pairs of pants. You can roll them up and fit them in a little backpack or you just throw them in a suitcase. Learnt it the hard way baking bread."
-OanhHeckofAStory
"I was taught to spoon the flour into a measuring cup to avoid packed flour then scraped the top of with the back of a butter knife. Is this wrong?"
-Ct-5736-Bladez
"Totally correct. Spoon and leveled changed my baking game and now I make awesome cupcakes."
-shuateau
"That's an American thing though. Here in Portugal only pudding recipes (it's all liquid) come in cups. Even my great-grandparents had kitchen scales."
-collectornsfw
Salmonella!!
"Clean. Everything. That. Touches. Raw. Chicken. This is no joke. Dogs can get salmonella as can children and everyone in the house, don’t be lazy with raw chicken. That is all. I’ve seen plenty of people that are lazy and don’t care and it’s usually those people that get sick. I don’t care how lazy you are, sometimes you really have to be careful."
"Always make sure people know if you’re behind them if you’re cooking with others and dull knives are more dangerous than sharp ones. Dull knives require more force and it leaves a nastier cut than a sharp one would. Those are all my general tips."
-[Reddit]
"Also, dont wash chicken in the sink/don't wash chicken at all. It's sufficient to properly heat it, but if you wash it when raw, Salmonella can get in your sink and stay there for a long time."
-Dependent-Status-880
season 9 episode 21 GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphySkills over everything
"Learn techniques, not recipes."
"Recipes are fine, and great to get a meal to taste exactly the same, but what you really want to do is learn the technique behind each recipe."
"Learn to make basic sauces: béchamel sauce, veloute sauce, brown or Espagnole sauce, Hollandaise sauce and tomato sauce."
Learn how to cook an egg properly, how to stew, how to braise, learn how to fry. (not just deep fried, but pan fried and stir fry as well), how to roast, learn how to steam, how to sauté, learn how to grill, how to make a stock.
"Then practice by brining it all together. Once you have the techniques you can experiment with combinations, different ingredients, and try spices. You won't always succeed, but you'll build the basic knowledge that will let you tackle any recipe you find."
"If you know how to make the five sauces that alone gives you five basic things to pour or drizzle on food you just cooked. Use the basic techniques of frying you can figure out how to fry any item you come across."
-Kiyohara
How many do you need?
"When cutting different products (e.g. dairy, red meat, fowl, poultry, greens, and hotbgoods) use different cutting boards to avoid contamination."
"And ALWAYS keep the workplace and your tools clean"
-M2-99-ROU
"I have my general cutting board and then one specifically for chicken. But. I always cut produce then any meats so there isn't cross contamination."
-RivetheadGirl
"For me personally we do 3: 1 with a drip ring for meat products, 1 for fruits/similar that would otherwise absorb garlic/onion flavor and 1 big workhorse for everything else."
-owleabf
Is there anything you'd add to this list that you don't see?
Or something here you want to boo-hiss about because you disagree so much?
Tell us in the comments.
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People can be just the worst, right? Everyone on earth has a million stories about their fellow human beings acting downright terrible. From cheating partners, to rich jerks, to random acts of cruelty, we've all seen humanity's darker side. It should be little surprise then that the people of the internet have some of the most infuriating, cringe-inducing stories about horrible people—and we've collected them for you here!
All in the Family
man in white dress shirt and black pants standing beside green wallPhoto by Blake Carpenter on UnsplashStanding in the rain at night, after two years of dating, I think she is about to tell me that she loves me. Nope. She tells me that she is in love with my brother and has been dating me to get closer to him. I told my brother and he said, "Heck no! Screw her!"
Housewarming Present
We moved into this new house, and apparently, the people who lived there before us never told their "friend" that they had moved. He let himself in one day and went into the bathroom unnoticed. I went in there sometime later to discover some random guy passed out with a needle in his arm in the middle of my new bathroom floor.
Worst first night in a new house ever!
Art of the Deal
I used to be a divorce lawyer. My entire job consisted of dealing with people constantly outdoing each other for the title of "Most Immature Thing You've Ever Seen an Adult Do." Best of all was the guy who, when he felt he was not getting his way, offered to completely abandon his children and agree to never see them again, in exchange for not having to pay any support money.
The Nerve of Some People
Someone had a heart attack on the patio of our restaurant. Paramedics came and were assessing the situation and trying to prep the guy to go to the hospital. This woman dining with her husband decided very loudly to ask my manager in her best condescending rich person tone, “Is this going to take much longer, we were enjoying lunch.”
The restaurant goes dead silent and her husband looks like he’s about to puke from embarrassment. They were politely asked to leave and never come back.
A Serious Effort at Discipline
My nephew (by marriage) is a jerk. I had to drive him once and he kept messing around with the windows, so I locked them. Then he started incessantly pushing my door lock buttons. So I stopped holding back farts and stopped opening the windows. And let me tell ya, this was during a phase in my life where my farts smelled like I might be suffering from some sort of colonic necrosis. He gagged and sputtered and threatened to throw up.
It didn’t matter. I just kept farting. In fact, at a certain point I thought I might crap my pants. I didn’t care. I was willing to do it just to make that little bugger suffer a bit. Take that, Evan.
A New Level of Jerkery
man sitting on stool while crossing both handsPhoto by Muhmed Alaa El-Bank on UnsplashMy boss fired the girl who was in her third trimester of pregnancy three days before her maternity leave was to start.
Small Business, Big Problems
I work at a small business. 20 employees +/-. My wealthy boss made a big speech about austerity measures and no raises this year. A week and a half later he drives up in a brand new Silverado with all the bells and whistles. Expensed to the business of course. He would hate to have to pay taxes on those profits. One of the less subtle members of the staff took a literal dump in front of his office door.
Did He Get an A+?
I caught my boyfriend of two years. He had asked me to proofread his paper on his Mac and the text messenger popped up in the right hand. He was sitting in his bed texting some girl "goodnight, I love you" while sitting right next to me in his bed. I deleted his entire paper, wrote "Who's Marissa?" saved it and told him it looks great and left.
She was his girlfriend of eight years who lived next to his parents two hours away.
Santa’s Been Naughty
I got rejected when I wasn't even trying to hit on the guy. A few years ago in December, I was at a bar with a friend when a guy dressed as Santa Claus was walking around. He walked up to my friend and said something like, "Santa's giving out gifts, and all the pretty girls get one for free!" and handed her a trinket. Then he looked at me up-and-down and added, "Yeah, you'd have to pay."
Sleepover
He has a longtime friend of his (who happened to be female) who was staying the night. She was sleeping in the basement bedroom and we were upstairs. Well, he slipped out of bed in the middle of the night and woke me up. When he noticed, he told me he had to go to the bathroom. I guess I already had my suspicions, because I lay there and listened to him walk down the hall, then past the bathroom, and down the stairs. So, I followed. And caught him in the basement getting ready to have sex with her. Oh. I was not a happy puppy. Was stupid and tried to salvage our engagement, but I wasn't "fun anymore" and he left.
That Explains a Lot
man in black crew neck t-shirt wearing black framed eyeglassesPhoto by Yogendra Singh on UnsplashAfter I came into work on a Saturday to help with some orders that were behind, the boss came in the back and started SCREAMING at me about why things were a certain way. I tried to explain that I just got there, that I had nothing to do with the job until now, and that I was just trying to fix it. More screaming. I said, "Phil, be reasonable!"
He responded by jumping up and down and screaming "I don't WANT to be reasonable!!"
Over the Hill
My ex-wife and I went up to Big Bear to go snowboarding and spend some time together. We were having issues and I thought to be fun to get away and do something fun together. Let's just say it did not go well. She said she grew up snowboarding, but she never made it down a hill and had a terrible time. So we went back to the cabin and she was pretty much just on her phone, not talking to me.
We make it back and she says she needs to just shower and be alone for a bit. She goes off and I just hang in the den. She left her phone in her purse and it just kept buzzing, so I checked it out because what if someone was trying to reach us or something? I open it up to read a full conversation between her and this guy. It wasn't good.
I read how that day’s texts started and they started really early in the morning. "Hope you're doing ok up there." "We'll see, doubt it. He's trying too hard. He should just know it really doesn't matter. Wish I was up here with you instead." Just the worst stuff. And that was before I even woke up. I was pretty devastated and really didn't know what to do.
I knew I didn't want to fight because I realized she wasn't worth fighting for. Grabbed my bag and drove back to San Diego. I took her phone with me, so I could text him and tell him "We're coming home early, let's meet." I ended up inviting him to a coffee shop and waited for him to show up. When he walked through the door, he saw me immediately and kind of stopped. I waved him over and wasn't too far from the door, so I told him we need to talk.
He comes over and already front loads with the "It's not what you think," blah blah blah speech. I told him that if he wants her, he can take his sorry ass to Big Bear and go get her. Because I was leaving and we're through. See you when we sign the papers. And I left. Second worst day of my life but I'm glad it happened. Met my lady three years later and we've been together for four years, now engaged.
Sold to the Highest Bidders
Mitch got everything he wanted. Granted, he was smart and ambitious, but was also petulant and snobby. The combination made him virtually hated by everyone. "I liked him more than most people did and I hate him" (paraphrase: Al Franken on Ted Cruz). Our 3rd-grade class would get monopoly-esque money for an auction of toys at the end of the year. If you were bad, you had to pay money, but if you were a little sycophant, like Mitch, you were filthy rich.
At the end of the year, Mitch surveyed all the toys and calculated how many "brownie points" it would take to swipe all the best stuff. One by one, Mitch swiped the best toys, always bidding perfectly. At the end, Mitch had enough for the most coveted toy on the table: the Chia Pet. Brent had the second most money and timidly started the bidding.
Mitch toyed with him and gradually raised the price until Brent had to go all in. Mitch raised the bid by a small margin and then Susan, who almost had a nerf gun, gave her sizeable pile to Brent and Brent raised. Mitch panicked and counted his money for a higher bid, but it was already too late. All the people he had screwed suddenly turned the auction into a popularity contest and Brent delivered the final blow. Mitch freaked the heck out and had the most satisfying meltdown.
If he had just tried to get a few things, no one would have wanted to screw him, but by leaving so many people with so much worthless cash, he was truly hoisted by his own petard.
Screw Mitch, lol.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
I work retail at an electronics store and it was launch day for a new product. A guy and his 13-year-old son and asked if we had the biggest and baddest model in a certain color in stock. I told them we had that model in a different color. The father gets a phone call and tells his kid to talk to me. The kid pulls out a wallet full of credit cards and snidely asks, “How much would it take to get me that phone?”
I told him I couldn't sell him something we didn't have, but that he could order it online. The father comes back and the kid tells him the news. The father looks at the kid and says, “I have to go to a meeting, I'll have the driver come get you. Don't back down.” And walks away. I look at the kid. Challenge freakin’ accepted.
He says, “I read on Mac Rumors that you hold 4% of your inventory for DOA phones out of the box. I want one of those phones.” To which I replied, “We don't have any for that model because we didn't get any actual stock for it in.” Long story short, the kid starts screaming in the middle of the jam-packed store.
My team leader, who happens to be there, comes out and the kid tells her that I called him a snobby little jerk. She looks at me like he was a crazy person and somehow convinces the kid to buy a different color. As it turns out we couldn't sell him the phone because the cardholder wasn't present to show ID. I was mad about the whole thing at first, but felt that he got what he deserved.
A Fight to the Death
My old boss started firing people by lining two up at a time and seeing which one they prefer to keep on. Didn't matter if you were there for 20 years or two. Also hiring management from outside and not promoting within which means the new managers have no knowledge of anything that company does in terms of ethics, procedures, or employee status. It has turned this "clique" type environment into every person for themselves. Very toxic.
A Costly Choice
person looking at silver-colored analog watchPhoto by Andrea Natali on UnsplashI was invited to a graduation party, hosted by a very wealthy couple whose daughter had just graduated from Yale. Her father came out, in front of the guests, displaying his Rolex and Cartier watches—asking which one of the two expensive watches the group thought would be "the more appropriate for the occasion." Everyone just looked at each other, silently—not quite sure what to say.
Seems a Little Harsh...
When I was eight, I was on a road trip with my family, and my dad got lost. He got REALLY angry when he got lost. So to vent his frustration, he pulled over to a Jack in the Box and had me come in with him (he demanded that only I come with him, no one else). He relieved his tensions by sitting me down and telling me for ten minutes why he didn't like me. From the way I cleaned my room, to the way I did in school, to the way I SPOKE—he told me how he despised everything about eight-year-old me. I'll never forget him saying, "I don't like a single darn thing about you." Hard to take when you're eight and your dad is still Superman to you.
Getting Peppered
I had a man in his 40s call a 16-year-old girl I work with a stupid idiot because she forgot to put extra peppers on his sandwich. I was in an irritable mood that day, so I confronted him about it. I asked him if he had any children, he said yes. I asked him if he thought it would be appropriate for them to talk to a stranger (let alone a young girl) like that. He said no, so I asked him, "What makes you so special then?" He looked very ashamed of himself and just walked out of the store without saying a word. I got some applause from one of the tables.
Put a Ring On It
I called her at work and their receptionist asked, "Is this her boyfriend, Dave?" "No... it's her fiancé." I'd had suspicions for a few months before that but this was the clincher. So glad I got out of that one.
When You’re Rich, the World Is Your Toilet
I was once a server at a high-end steakhouse in Newport Beach, California. A rich guy's son comes in, probably in his mid-30s, with a big group. They get a private room and spend thousands on food and booze. The guy gets hammered and instead of climbing the stairs to take a leak, he just relieves himself in the hallway. On the floor. He didn't get kicked out, either. They just had a janitor come in and clean it up and the dinner kept going. Nice to have that kind of money, I guess.
Selectively Poor
person holding U.S. dollar banknotePhoto by Vitaly Taranov on UnsplashOur bosses cancelled the Christmas party and Christmas bonuses for the whole company because we "didn't have the money for it." I found out later the CEO and the CTO used company funds to take a week-long ski vacation in Whistler instead of doing something nice for the employees. You better believe I spread that evidence around the office.
It’s the Thought That Counts
20 or some odd years ago I caught my ex, not actually having sex, but in bed with another guy. On Valentine's Day. With a dozen roses in my hand. What a horrible person. Fighting would get you kicked out of college, so I told the much smaller guy that as soon I saw him off campus someday, I'd kill him.
Fifteen years and worlds later, I'm at an engagement party at a bar, and some friends come up and tell me the guy over there is extremely scared of me and thinks I'm going to kill him. I look over and couldn't stop laughing. It was so far in the past, but for some reason, that guy remembered it like I had sworn an oath to avenge my family. It felt good. His fear was redemption enough.
Low-Class Attitude
I was briefly an assistant to the CEO of a large company in my country (I live in Northern Europe), and this guy was a real jerk to everyone. I just made coffee, ran with mail, and copied things. I say "briefly" because I only worked there for three weeks. I made an honest mistake, copying the wrong documents, resulting in a brief embarrassment on his side in an in-house meeting with some of the other big guys of the firm.
I got called into his office and, knowing his history with previous assistants, I was visibly nervous. He then began absolutely shredding me for 15 minutes, completely red in the head, spit flying in my face as he stood above me, basically ripping me a new one. I started crying (This was my first job, and I was 15 at the time), and he stopped shouting. But that wasn't a good sign.
He took one finger to my chin, lifted my face up so I looked straight at him, and then he said "You're a nobody. Don't you ever forget that." And then he threw some paperwork at me to let me officially know that I was fired (which I then had to pick up from the floor), and then he yelled at me to get the heck out of his office.
At Least You Could Still Get Dinner…
I was once given the number to a pizza place instead of the guy's number I had asked out.
A Sinking Feeling...
Years ago, I was hosting a house party. A pair of girls went into the bathroom together. Not uncommon. Well, one of them decided to take a piss in my sink and accidentally dropped a loaf while she was at it. They came out laughing and telling everyone that someone must have pooped in my sink. I was literally the last person in that bathroom before them. I even watched them walk in. And I don't recall defecating in my own sink. After confronting them, they got pissed off and left. They didn't even bother cleaning up the sink!
Getting the Real Story
person holding smartphonePhoto by Rodion Kutsaiev on UnsplashI work in an Apple Store as a Genius. A kid (13-15 yrs old) comes in with his iPhone X and tells me that he wants a new phone now. I ask him what is wrong and he says every time he plays Fortnite or Minecraft his phone gets hot. Explain to him that is an expected behavior for graphic intensive games and explain that I play PUBGmobile and my phone does the same thing. He screams “I want a new f***ing phone now!!” And slams the phone on the table, which shatters the display. The phone drops to the floor (which is stone) and shatters the back. He looks at me and blames me for making him slam his phone. I tell him well now the phone is broke and that will be $549 to replace it since it’s now broken. At this point his mom comes in and sees the phone and asks what happened. Her son starts to say that I did it. She looks at me and says what happened. I tell her and she laughs and tells her son to get the hell out and he will be without a phone until he can pay for it himself.
Be Thankful You Don’t Work For This Guy
After a mistake was made on a product at my work, the assembly team was left to try and get the project out on time. The deadline was around Dec 1st. The boss demanded that everyone work on Thanksgiving. Someone said, "We want to spend time with our families." We were told, "I don’t care, I hate your families!!!"
Indecent Proposal
Oh boy, story time, so, I'd been with this girl for two years, I was madly in love with her, I was going to propose. Bought a ring, went to pay her a surprise visit, walked in because I had a key, found her in bed with another man. Threw the box with the ring at her, walked out, drove off, never looked back. Got about five miles away, pulled over and broke down crying.
Sliding Scale
When I was a waiter, I had a guy put a $20 on the table when I came to greet him and his wife and say, “This is your tip. However, every time you do something wrong, I will remove a dollar.” I thought he was joking, so I chuckled and asked, “Like, what?” He takes the 20 off the table and replaces it with exactly $19. Who carries enough bills to do that? He responds with, “Like that.”
But Tell Us What You Really Think
In a company of six people, owner said in a meeting with everyone that his two sales guys are irreplaceable and that the rest of us are "just paper pushers."
Love is Not a Game
person holding game controller in-front of televisionPhoto by Glenn Carstens-Peters on UnsplashI'd finished doing the daily quests on my WoW character, and I knew he wasn't going to be home for a while so like many times before (with his permission) I logged into his account to do dailies for him. Then the PM's started. Very explicit PM's. Not only was he cheating on me in a game (with loads of people, cybersex in WoW, eugh), but there was one girl who was talking about things outside the game too. I admit I played along for a while to see what was going on. After that, I told her who I was. It all ended rather badly, between her and I, him and I, and him and her.
With a Little Help From My Housekeeper
There was a kid at my high school. When he was 14, he had a learner’s permit, but his parents got him a Mercedes-Benz G-Class. Every day, he drove it to school and was determined to park it in the parking lot to show it off. So, he had his housekeeper drive to school with him and the housekeeper's son drove a car behind her to take her back home—which was only about two miles away from our school.
Preventative Measures
A co-worker came up to me and told me not to even think of asking her out. Umm, I wasn't going to—but thanks for randomly telling me how much I apparently SUCK.
Future Serial Killer Alert
I was a kid, probably 9 or 10, and my mom had a friend and her son over for lunch. The kid disappeared for about 10 minutes, and at the time I thought he had gone to the bathroom because I really had to go. So when he came back I quickly maneuvered my way past him into the room before the bathroom, where we had a fish tank. This would be completely irrelevant if the fish tank wasn’t cloudy and swirling about. At first glance, I didn't know what it was, until I noticed smashed and ripped apart pieces of little fish faces moving around in the swirl. The kid had reached into the fish tank and squeezed the ever-loving life out of every single fish in that tank.
Think Fast!
I was on the bus a year or 2 back and a kid and his mom were seated in front of me. The kid kept screeching about wanting to "press the button" (you press a button to notify the bus driver that you need to get off at the next stop) because he liked the beep it made. Every. Single. Bus stop. This little twat screeched asking if he could press it yet. Finally his mom said he could press the button. I pressed it. It only beeps for the first person to press it. The little brat cried.
Being the Smaller Person
woman in black and white dress sitting on concrete stairsPhoto by Zhivko Minkov on UnsplashWhen I was about six years old, my stepmother had said something that humiliated me. We got into an argument and I yelled that I hated her. She responded, "I hate you, too!" and I was pretty much just stunned. I think she was in her mid-30s then, and that moment stuck with me for a long time…
Power in Numbers
I had accused my boyfriend of cheating previously but over and over he turned it around and got upset that I didn't trust him. Finally, after talking to the girl he cheated with on the phone, we called him together and he came clean. Couldn't lie to us both.
You Probably Know What Evian is Spelled Backwards
I worked at a private villa in Bali. One guest stood out because she only drank and bathed in Evian. So one day I spent almost an hour filling a large tub from tons of Evian bottles. The same young woman complained that the path from her villa gate to her room wasn't well lit. This was probably because she wore sunglasses at night.
All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy
My old boss actively tried to ban friendships. If co-workers became friendly she would schedule them so they would NEVER see each other. "You're here to work! Not to socialise!" She also banned everyone from coming into the workplace when they were not working. It was a pub. She banned socializing in a pub. This was a corporate pub, so drinking for free was never allowed. She was literally turning away paying customers.
A co-worker once asked her if he could bring in his visiting Grandpa to show him where he worked and she told him to screw off. She became insanely paranoid when she learned four people were in a WhatsApp group. She said the only reason people who work together set up group chats is because they wanted to talk trash about her. She was actually kind of right.
Holden Would Be Proud
My best friend lived in the family's old vacation trailer behind his house (back in the 90s). I arrived with a twelve-pack, opened the door and there was my girlfriend. She was standing full frontal (not a stitch on) and he was in his boxers. Later he told me "Nothing happened." JD Salinger had a term for that kind of guy, it was... PHONY.
More Income, More Intergenerational Problems
woman in black long sleeve shirt covering her face with her handsPhoto by Elisa Ventur on UnsplashMy mom works in a family-owned business, and while the owners aren't excessively rich they're definitely upper class. I think the most messed up thing that I know about them is just how they treat members of their own families, let alone strangers. For example, the founder of the company fell and broke his hip when he was around 80.
Since he could barely walk around on his own anymore, let alone run a company, he finally retired and gave the company to his daughter. This was a huge mistake. She put him in a home, never visited him again for his entire life (He passed away at age 92, just to give some perspective on how long that was), and almost immediately began to drive the company into the ground.
Around three years after the daughter became the owner of the company, her grandson is hired into basically the same sort of secretary job my mother has. Now it's a bit of a long story, but he lives with his aunt who also works for the company, basically in the same job his grandmother had before she became the company owner.
So, things are going fine for a while, then eventually he comes out as gay, and is immediately fired for some BS reason by his own grandmother. On top of that, she demands that her daughter kick him out of her house or she'll fire her too, but thankfully she wasn't taking any of that, and said she'd sue her mother if she fired her over it. Her mother backs down, and thankfully the kid isn't kicked out onto the streets, but he's sure as heck not getting his job back. Then of course since he was fired, all of the work he was doing is piled onto my mother's desk.
Different Goals
My sister hooked up with a classmate a few times and said they got along very well, sometimes coming over to hook up and never getting the chance because they would get so lost in conversation. So one day she goes, "Hey, we get along well and I think you're pretty attractive, maybe we can go on an actual date sometime?" Without a beat, the guy looks to her and says, "Listen, I'll sleep with you, but I can't be seen in public with you." She claims she clocked the guy and never spoke to him again.
Multiple Counts of Stupidity
I invited a friend over for drinks—and BOY did she drink! She got so drunk that she vomited on my living room wall and fell down the staircase. She looked like she had rolled around in chicken salad. After I made her shower and gave her some of my clothes to wear, she stole my flip-flops and went RUNNING out of the house to go to her boyfriend's apartment.
I had to go follow after her, and she eventually got detained for public intoxication. I have not invited her over since.
The Experience Pays off
Working at a Chuck E Cheese one year. Some little kid keeps getting pissed because he can't win many tickets from a game. Kid begins to kick and scream. Toss stuff around, etc. I think he tried to hit one of the animatronics. When someone tried to get him to stop he pulled the, "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE CAN DO TO YOU?" We all just shook our heads and didn't know what to say. Was his dad the owner? Rich? etc? "Tell me what I can do."
We see this guy in a business suit just standing there with a really pissed off look on his face. It was the kind of face that you look at and wonder if this man ever smiled. The kid just froze up and muttered something. The man apologized and walked away. He came back a few hours later and gave all the employees gifts. I got an Xbox 360. One of the first generation ones. I still have it with me if anyone wants a picture. He just gave me the console. No wires, controllers, or anything.
Selectively Deaf
Both of my parents are very immature in general, but this particular incident caught me totally off guard. When I was 13, I won an argument with my mom. It was something to do with Earth Hour, and how we should try our best not to use any electronic devices during that time. To my surprise, when I started winning the debate, my mom literally put her fingers in her ears and started screaming "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, NANANANANA!" I learned a lot about human nature that day…
Tripped Up
man standing on black rock surrounded body of waterPhoto by Slav Romanov on UnsplashI was gone for a week for work. Got back to my building after a flight home and had no ride. She forgot to come pick me up. I finally got a hold of her, came to pick me up half drunk, went back to our house, I was unpacking and turned around and she had her hair and makeup done and just said "I'm going out, see ya" and left. This was after I had been gone for a week.
The next day was Friday, she had got home after I went to bed and left for work before me. I got home, and she was already gone, and had texted me and said she was going to her friend's house to hang out for a house party for the weekend. I didn't hear from her again for two days despite calling and texting her. She got home late Sunday night and told me she "lost her phone in the couch.”
I told her this wasn't working, and she needed to leave. She packed a bag while I cracked a beer on the couch. A couple days later, my friend emailed me a boatload of pictures from the weekend she disappeared, all of her and the guy she was cheating on me with. He had posted them on his Myspace that Sunday evening.
She actually continued to mess up things for me for quite a while after this, financially mostly, but eventually, I got free of that disaster and moved on happily.
If You’re Going to Complain About a Dish, You Better Know What Goes Into It
At my restaurant, someone once ordered the dessert on special—it was tiramisu that day—and sent it back, saying that “Mascarpone cream doesn't go along well with coffee and your recipe should be changed.” That is literally the original and classic recipe. Then get this. She asked for tiramisu with Victoria sponge.
First, we had no Victoria sponge, second, just because someone asks for it we are not going to make something we won't end up selling, and third, I think the chef would've rather carved his own eyes out with a fork. Just because you have the money to pay for a 200€ meal doesn't mean you are entitled to whatever you want. We are workers who want to turn a profit at the end of the damn day, not your personal staff of cooks and waiters.
False Sense of Hope
My boss told a bunch of people they were going to be promoted to get us to do extra work, but no one actually got promoted. I basically did her job for a month. Me and three of my co-workers quit and she got fired a few months later.
We Feel For You
This is so recent (a week ago). I went to the spot I first took her to on the ship we worked on to surprise her, and she was on top of another dude. They looked me in the face and laughed when they saw me. I absolutely loathe infidelity, and feel for all the victims of heartache.
Spite Trip
I drive a limousine, often for wealthy clients. My least favorite are the children. One of my spoiled trust fund clients once insisted on picking up four friends from different areas of town. He convinces these people to go to the bar with him, but when we get there, he kicks them out and has me drive him to the airport, where he picks up a last-minute flight to Vegas.
One of the lamest ways to insult someone is by describing their behavior as being gay.
The attempt at emasculating a perceived straight heterosexual male by comparing his actions to something that a homosexual male might do is a common form of mockery by alpha males.
Examples include mocking a guy who gets manicures, wears pink, or sits with his legs crossed. "Gay, gay gay," says the immature antagonizer.
Typically, the ribbing occurs between friends and is not prompted by verbal attacks.
Still, this casual form of bullying can be tiresome and only perpetuates misconceptions and stereotypes that can be harmful to the LGBTQ+ community.
Strangers online shared their experiences being targeted when Redditor Spagoobli0 asked:
"What is the dumbest thing people called you gay for?"
Apparently, maintaining good hygiene is so gay.
Being Clean
"i was called gay for showering daily."
– ilive4manass
"with other men?"
– intheken
Scrubbing The Backside
"I was told it was gay to wash my a**. The guy was recently evicted for defecating on his own floor for 6 months and not paying taxes."
– my-recent-throwaway
Pro-Tip
"In boot camp we shower with other dudes. I had someone call me gay in the shower for washing my a**. As if the only reason for washing my a** is to make it presentable for someone else. Nah, dude, I just don’t want skid marks in the tighty whities they make us wear."
"It’s not even like I was doing it weird. Like if I was bent over spreading my cheeks so everyone could see my brown eye, that would be one thing. But I literally just took a handful of suds and ran it down the crack a couple times because, pro tip to my fellow dudes; the water running down your back is not enough to clean the part of you that poop comes out of."
– Morningxafter
Lotion Up
"I once had a friend of mine stop by before we were going to meet some people for brunch. I had just taken a shower and gotten dressed when he walked in the front door (I always had a just walk in policy, suburban life). I have pretty dry skin so I was putting on a bit of moisturizing lotion. First words out of his mouth were 'moisturizing? That’s pretty gay isn’t it?' I said 'If feeling like I don’t want to scrape my skin off is gay, whip out the d*cks!'”
– bg-j38
Keeping up with appearances is hard enough.
The Damaging Effects
"'Gay' was the first 'dis' I ever heard, I had no idea what it meant for like a year. I just knew it was the worst thing to be. My whole generation struggled with that and I really feel for the people who had to come out to friends and family when I was young, it must have been really tough. I came out as bi about 6 or 7 years ago and that was pretty brutal, and the only reason I came out was because something happened that made it clear I was. Tbh it was f'king humiliating and awful at the time, it really f'ked with my head and my self worth. I am totally, 100% ok with it now, in fact I'm kind of proud I have the balls to tell people I'm bi now. It's become who I am and I'm ok with it.
"Just to be clear I've never had an issue with anybody being gay, at all. It's just for me it was a really difficult thing to deal with. Extremely personal. A lifetime of unconsciously being told gay was 'bad' has an effect on me, I wish it didn't but the truth is it did. I have mad respect for all openly gay and trans people."
– NitroD*ckclapp
Revealing Color Choice
"Had a guy genuinely ask if I was gay because I was wearing a red pair of Vans."
– LemonMan589
"Maybe he was cruising."
– InverseRatio
List Of Indicators
"I was a child in the 80s. Calling people gay was standard derogatory talk for checks notes literally everything. Bad play in sport, choice of clothes, hobby, etc."
– f_ranz1224
The Hopscotcher
"I was called gay for about 6 months in middle school for jumping down a hopscotch thing as I walked past it after lunch."
– Sado_Hedonist
What happens in the bedroom...
Going Down
"Like giving oral sex to my wife. Will never understand that."
– Beenthere-doneit55
"Fellas, is it gay to go down on a woman?"
– raveturned
"I view it selfishly. It combines the two two things I love the most, eating and having sex. If that makes me gay, so be it."
– Beenthere–doneit55
Flawed Logic
"They think if you'll do down on your wife you'll go down on a guy?"
"How would the two even translate??"
– WillieOverall
Even before I came out to my friends as gay, being called anti-gay slurs–even in jest–only suppressed my inclination to want to share my truth.
One of the things I've been mocked for during high school pre-coming out was my love for Disney.
The girls had no problem sharing my passion, but the jocks made fun of me for wearing a Mickey Mouse T-shirt to school, saying I was a "sissy boy" for liking Disney and that only "f*ggots" liked Disney.
Now, I know plenty of demographics–gay and straight, all ethnicities–that universally appreciate Disney. But I have to say, good on them for being accurate in knowing who I was before I did: a proud f*ggot who loves Disney.
All of us have surprising or unusual things people do that turn us on.
These can be simple things, like washing dishes, reaching for something on a high shelf, or pouring a drink which, whether it's the person doing it or the act itself, turns out to be surprisingly sexy.
Rather more interesting, however, are the things people do that draw us to them that aren't remotely sexy at all, but in fact completely wholesome.
Even so, seeing people do these things, or behave in this manner still has the same power to make us fall completely weak at the knees and melt our hearts.
Redditor levoyageursansbagage was curious to hear all of the innocent things that people find utterly alluring, leading them to ask:
"What is the most wholesome behavior you find really attractive?"
Excitement Can Be Infectious
"When people get really excited over something they enjoy."- BoiledCabbage
"Being genuinely excited about something."
"I love me a nerd."- Howdydobe
Loving All Living Things
"It was really hot and little rain for a couple of weeks and we have backyard critters roaming around typical of the suburbs."
"So my wife puts a big Tupperware bowl of water out that she changes daily in case an animal gets thirsty."
"I was looking at it one day and a stick had fallen in the bowl so I went to remove it."
"My wife yells at me, 'No! Don't take the stick out, that's so bees can crawl out if they fall in'."
"I thought it was adorable."- yakfsh1
Honey Bee Loop GIF by Kev LaveryGiphyTruly Unforgettable
"When someone remembers a really random small detail I’ve only mentioned once."- Starriyer
Compassion Over Convenience
"Doing the right thing even when it’s inconvenient."
"I was on a date and he took a call from a friend in crisis."
"They worked the problem out and he said 'I love you' to his friend (who said it back)."
"He explained he needed to take the call and apologized that it happened during the date."
"No apology necessary!"
"He demonstrated loyalty and vulnerability and it was incredibly sexy."
"Even better that it’s just who he is; none of it was for show."- Hiberniae
"When someone helps old people."
"Maybe getting up to give their seat to them in a public bus or in general, helping them carry their heavy bags, or something."- itsMat_hi_ka
"When a person knows the right time to simply listen to someone in distress and the right time to offer advice."- Old_Army90
GiphyThe Greatest Love Of All...
"My husband will run around playing games with our son in the playground and will fully commit to whatever game that is.'
"There's no standing around talking to the adults, he will get fully involved in the make-believe world."
"10/10, fully present parenting."- Ambivertigo
The Gift Of Laughter
"People that make themselves crack up."
"People with their particular and weird little sense of humor that unashamedly laugh at what they think is so funny."
"Extra points if they’re laughing because of a joke they’re telling themselves."
"It’s my favorite thing to see someone do."
"As long as the joke doesn’t seriously hurt other people."
"I love good dark humor."
"If someone’s genuinely trying to be hateful, it loses appeal completely."- tresjoliesuzanne
"When I'm with my wife at a restaurant and the baby in the next booth is staring at her, she will wave to the baby and make funny faces to get the kid to smile/giggle."
"That."- SadConsequence8476
happy baby lol GIF by TheMacnabsGiphyHeal The World...
"I went backpacking with my boyfriend for the first time recently and I noticed that anytime we came across a little piece of trash on the trail, he would pick it up and put it in his pocket to throw away properly at the first opportunity."
"It just highlighted to me that he was conscientious and kind even when it came to things a lot of people would overlook, and I found that incredibly attractive."- snickerdoodle--
Happiness Comes In Many Forms
"Seeing a man be genuinely happy for someone else, I recently discovered this about myself."- West_Cherry3944
Literal Food For Thought
"A friend of mine has this habit of making sure that everyone around her has eaten on time."
"'A well fed tummy makes the brain think properly'."
"That's her exact words."- in_out_in_out_·
Food Cooking GIF by MasterChefAUGiphyNo One Should Take Themselves Too Seriously
"Silliness, the sillier the hotter."- Fearless-Finish9724·
The Epitome Of Selfless
"My husband grew up extremely poor."
"Not homeless but close."
"Whenever we're out and we see someone asking for food, he will quietly walk over and take them to whatever restaurant they want."
"He will then order them whatever they want."
"When we met, he was in grad school and had no money."
"He still did this."
"It made me swoon."- curryp4n
Reading these heartwarming and touching affirmations, it does give one pause that kindness and compassion are considered so unusual.
Even so, no doubt that's what makes selfless, and kind-hearted people so attractive.