People Break Down The Best Insults They've Ever Heard
We've all known someone who tends to say mean things or generally be kind of a jerk.
And whether we want to admit to it or not, it can be fun to see that jerk taken down a few notches with a solid insult.
Ready for roasting, Redditor depressed_jellybear asked:
"What's the best insult you've ever heard?"
Not Your Mom
"When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical 'your mom' response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died."
"Without missing a beat, the teacher said, 'Leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”
Adoption Jokes Not Welcome
"I was playing 'Pavlov' (a virtual reality game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like, 'You're bad because you're adopted,' and stuff like that."
"He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like, 'I'd return the insult, but that'd imply someone wanted you.'"
"Had the whole lobby erupting. I don't know if it's taken from somewhere or what."
Underestimated by the Teacher
"Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:"
"'You make it really difficult to underestimate you.'"
"The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment."
"16-year-old me trying to convince my dad to take my friends and I to see 'American Pie':"
"Dad: So what is it about?"
"Me: A group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity."
"Dad: I can stay home and see that."
Based on Real Life
"I once asked my cousin if he watched the tv show 'Desperate Housewives,' and he said, 'No, I’m married to one."
The Joke Will Go On
"I remember when 'Titanic' came out. My grandma, my mom, and I were getting ready to see it."
"My grandpa said, 'Don’t know what the fuss is about. I can tell you what happens, the boat sinks. The end.'"
"Lol (laughing out loud). Maybe it was his delivery, but it cracked me up."
"The best one I've heard was, ''I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.'"
Seems Pretty Complicated
"I overheard someone tell someone else, They’d need a recipe for making ice cubes."
An Insult for an Insult
“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
"And I have the best response for that: 'Well then, I will pray for your health.'"
New Take on the Clown Car
"I saw a bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line."
"The bouncer quipped, 'I can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.'"
Signs of Aging
"Some bouncers are brilliantly witty, I assume it comes with working in a job where you have to deal with drunk a**holes all the time."
"A few years ago, I got IDed to enter a bar. I'd recently started buzzing my hair due to hair loss, yet my photo driving license had me with a thick full head of hair from several years before."
"The bouncer looked at the card, then me, and then said, 'Haven't you forgotten something?'"
"I was confused. He then showed his colleague, who nodded and said, 'Yeah mate, you've definitely forgotten something.'"
"Then he pointed to his head."
Good Luck Getting a Job
"You've got a face for radio, and a voice for writing."
"From 'Golden Girls':"
"Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms."
"Sofia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?"
"Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds."
While it can feel terrible to need to be around negative people sometimes, there's hope knowing that there are some things we can say that are funny and that will relatively put them in their place.
Now if only some of us could think of the comeback at the moment when it's useful...
Men Share The 'Guy Secrets' Only They Know
There are certain things men keep to themselves when it comes to life and dating.
And no one talks about the bro code much.
A recent Reddit thread gave us a chance to peek behind the curtain.
Redditor AMGBOI69420 wanted all the men out there to share some necessities, so they asked:
"What are some 'guy secrets' girls don't know about?"
Don't be afraid to make them.
Guys appreciate a decisive nature.
But don't be aggressive.
Thank You...Episode 5 Thank You GIF by PBSGiphy
"We will NEVER forget getting a compliment. I used the same conditioner until it went out of production because someone told me my hair felt soft and smelled nice."
"Sometimes when it's up, it's not because we're horny. But don't let that stop you, Queen."
"I once had a guy tell me 'If a guy has a morning erection it doesn’t mean you turn him on, he was probably just having a sex dream about someone else.' Ever since then I NEVER try to initiate anything in the morning. Is that true?"
"It‘s because the body tests any function while you sleep and most of the time that time you begin to wake up it tests the function to get an erection."
"Nice try honey, I still won’t tell you where I keep my snacks."
"Oh, I found them. Days before I was silently soaking in the glory of my private eye skills while we watched (XYZ) on Netflix, and relishing over the fact that the joys of your deceit will soon evaporate into the void during the exact moment you discover you’ve been left with only the lemon flavored ones."
And you are?
"Dudes can be friends for years and not know each other's real name."
"I've lived in my house for 2 years. I chat with my neighbor just about every day when leaving for work. I didn't want to ask him his name so I looked up the property records to find out that information."
"I worked in a grocery store with a guy who went by his middle name. I went by a nickname completely unrelated to my name. We both found out we didn't know each other's real names until 2 years after we started working together."
BreatheTuesday Morning Reaction GIF by The Secret Life Of PetsGiphy
"That big sigh my wife just asked about while we’re watching the 10 o’clock news? Nothing profound, nothing bugging me, I just remembered to breathe."
Breathing is everything. It can change every moment.
What Up?houston rockets yo GIF by TwitterGiphy
"We have an entire language around the headnod."
"It’s weirdly sophisticated too. You can actually tell how comfortable guys are around each other based on if they say hello with an up-nod or a down-nod."
Fake it until...
"Sometimes, that male confidence that you find attractive is us totally faking it while shaking on the inside, insecure AF."
"I just had this exact conversation with my husband the other day. I was telling him how he seems so confident and I would never guess that he's really nervous or that he's not sure of himself."
"I would've never dreamed he gets all nervous and all that good stuff still to this day with me. I don't feel like it's still sunk in completely bc I was so shocked at how nervous he was explaining he'd get at times lol so props to the guys who fake it til they make it. Keep on bc you're doing a good job 💯."
"We don’t want to tell you certain things are worrying us because we do not want you to worry also… now there are just two people worrying, whereas before, one was worrying, and the other was happy, which is a reminder to us not to worry so much."
"It's a bit different if the person you're telling can do something about the issue, but for something currently unsolvable there's no reason to extend the misery to anyone else."
Just say it!
"Please for the love of God let us know if you’re into us. Don’t wait for us to tell you first because we won’t because we don’t want to be called creeps."
"My current partner and I used to flirt and talk through text all day, every day for months before I told our best friends. I was so into him, but unsure how he felt. My girlfriend was like: he’s usually just like that; he’s friendly with all of our other friends that are girls and would even ask me if I wanted to stream things with him when [her bf and his best friend] was at work."
"So I put that to rest. But then his friend helped a little bit by interfering and he was nonchalant about his feelings for me to him. When I got the green light I should just do it, I admitted my feelings for him. We’re close to celebrating a year in our LDR. We met in person for the first time a couple of months ago and he’s coming here soon. Best decision of my life to just say how I was feeling."
So many secrets.
So many truths.
Lesson? Try not to worry.
People Who Fulfilled Their Lifelong Dream But Hated The Experience Share What Happened
As kids, we all had big dreams and aspirations.
But sometimes as adults, when we start achieving those big dreams, we start to wonder why we dreamed about them in the first place.
Redditor buzzkill007 asked:
"Have you ever dreamed of doing something your whole life only to find out, once you did it, that you hated it?"
"What was it?"
A Former Performer
"I spent six years of my life in the choir, thinking I wanted to be an opera singer or perform in musicals."
"I got to my first year of college as a vocal performance major and realized I wasn't actually willing to learn most of what was required. I had never played an instrument or taken lessons on it before, so I was s**t at music theory. Then I had to take a piano class, which I was also s**t at, with three more years of those to expect in the future."
"I didn't have the same kind of flamboyant music kid personality as all my classmates, so I had a difficult time getting along with everyone, too."
"The only thing I had was a good voice but without any interest in anything other than actively singing. I finally realized that it wasn't the career path for me and that I didn't want to become famous or deal with the bulls**t that comes along with trying to get consistent work in that industry."
"I found that I enjoy singing most when my husband is having a difficult time, and I can help him fall asleep at night by just singing his favorite song. He's knocked out by the time I finish the first stanza usually. It makes me feel like I didn't waste all that time for nothing."
The Game Builder
"Video game development. There was way more math than I anticipated."
"I can here to say the same, video game development. It was my dream since I was very young. I spent all of college working towards it and worked an entry-level dev job and then a mid-level dev job to get prepared."
"Finally, the time came and I was hired by a game development company. My dream job! I lasted 18 months and I will never, ever consider doing it again."
"Game developers are not only worked to the bone and paid poorly (by software engineering standards), but they are also treated like college students working on a team project. No autonomy, no flexibility. Management was h**l-bent on butts being in seats exactly at start time, exactly 60-minute lunches or you are written up, work until 6:00 PM if you’re lucky and until 10:00 PM if you aren’t, but hey, they would spring for s**tty delivery food!"
"Everything about the job, I hated. And, the kicker, the main difference between the business apps I was building before and the games I was building during was the variable and function names."
"Unless you are very young or very VERY passionate about making games, DO NOT go into game development. If you want to build games, do it in your free time."
The Glamorous Pilot
"Being a pilot. I dreamed about it constantly as a kid. I finished all my ratings by the age of 20 and lasted four years on the job before I realized how shady the industry was (the charter industry back in the early 2000s)."
"I drive ships now."
The Long-Awaited Name Change
"I changed my name. When the name change was accepted and I received the letter with my new name on it, I freaked out and changed it back the same day."
The Idllyic Psychiatrist
"I thought I'd be a practicing psychologist, but I had a very idealistic view of it. Like the patient lying on the couch, telling you about their life problems, then you telling them something and giving them a breakthrough. Mental illness cured!"
"I did complete my psych undergrad, and I loved the subject matter, but after doing my internship at Child and Family Services it was very clear to me that I wasn't cut out for clinical work. I certainly would have burned out, and barely made enough money to live as a case worker."
"I got my masters in HCI/UX and made my career in tech, which was a great decision. I have nothing but respect for the boots-on-the-ground social workers, but I'm gonna continue to read books about psychology instead of working in it."
Romantic Dream Come True
"I grew up watching romance movies and reading romance novels and always dreamed of a guy coming and sweeping me off my feet and then having hot sex with me."
"When I actually got into my first relationship with a guy, I realized I was gay."
Not Just Curing Cancer
"I dreamed of working in a lab. I wanted to help cure viruses and diseases. But it turned into monotonous days of pipetting, plating germs, and tediousness that was soul-sucking."
The Aspiring Architect
"I wanted to be an architect so I became one. I quickly learned that the only people who actually get to be creative are the people who own the firm."
"The pay sucks and they grind through young architects but you require a very expensive degree and testing to get your license is expensive and difficult."
"It's very dependent on the economy and at the first sight of a downturn everyone gets laid off Slow to recover as well as construction sometimes lags."
"There are long terrible hours doing sh*t work to make some stupid design some partner thought up actually work in a technical sense for months on end only to have a client say it’s too expensive anyway and you end up with a square glass box."
"It's also very deadline driven like, 'we’re digging a hole on Monday so be done or we’re all fired,' so high stress for s**t pay."
The Successful Tech
"I wanted to make it big in tech, like my mother did, who spurred my interest in tech as a child."
"Then I got into tech and understood my mother survived in tech because she was one of the megad**ks that make tech so toxic."
"I was the 'I'm here to get along and make money' kind of tech. She was the 'You can't take my promotion from me if I get you fired' kind of tech."
The Joys of Pet Care
"I thought I would love being a dog groomer. I love dogs and working with my hands."
"What a load of s**t. Owners are a**holes, some dogs were a**holes, horrible bosses, unrealistic targets, and you get scratched, bitten, s**t on, and hair gets everywhere, even in your eyes. Unless you work for yourself, it’s a crap job, and maybe even then."
Visiting Las Vegas
"Vegas was such a huge letdown for me. I grew up in Atlantic City and now live in the south and have been to Biloxi's casinos a lot... and I always heard about the majesty of Vegas... and the OUTSIDE of casinos were cool, but I guess the insides of casinos are all done by the same designers... The only difference with Vegas was everything cost more."
"And those guys flicking the cards to hand you porn cards like real-life pop-up ads when you're walking downtown..."
"Being a veterinarian. I never became a vet, but one of my first jobs in high school, having wanted to be a vet my whole life, was in a vet clinic. I was ecstatic."
"But vet clinics are depressing as f**k. Dogs and cats hit by cars coming into the clinic in horrendous pain. It always smells like s**t from fecal floats (checking for worms), pets that got put down but could have been saved if only their owners could have afforded it."
"There are always two freezers in the basement, one for dead dogs, and one for dead cats. They get hauled to the basement freezer in trash bags in case they release waste after they die. I couldn't take it after only a few months and left."
The Chopping Block
"Being a Chef. I left high school in year 10 to get a certification in commercial cookery as I loved cooking and making dishes at home."
"I loved it for the first few months and then realized how draining it is. I do split shifts 9:00 AM to 2:30 PM, and then again from 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM, sometimes 9:30 PM. It's exhausting after doing it for four years. You lose your appetite completely."
"I recently had a knee injury and have been off for a few weeks, and it's really made my anxiety and depression calm down after not being torn to bits by chefs who have had 20 or more years of experience and 'know' everything."
"It's making me realize that I've made the wrong career choice."
Confessions of a Not-Shopaholic
"I know it sounds stupid, but mine was a shopping spree."
"My family never really had much money, so I could go out on a shopping spree with friends, and if I did go out with them, I was always the one left holding the bags or feeling left out."
"When I did manage to get a few things for myself on occasion, like if I had a birthday or Christmas money, it was always what others wanted me to wear and never anything for myself that I truly loved."
"I felt weird because I was always told girls are meant to love shopping, like my friends did, but I just hated it and chalked it up to not having much cash and being dragged about from store to store."
"I came into some money years ago and was able to have a shopping spree. I decided to go alone so I could buy what I wanted without others' influence, but I hated it still. I couldn't justify the prices I knew my friends usually would spend, and I felt so overwhelmed by everything."
"I also found that while being alone, I could be honest with myself, especially with nobody pushing me to buy their style, and I very quickly realized I was quite alternative and gothic, and none of the shops fit my style."
"I left overwhelmed, sad, and disappointed and realized I never felt off because I didn't have money or felt left out. I felt off because I really didn't like shopping or crowds, and I was not accepting my true style."
'Never Work a Day in Your Life' ...Maybe.
"This whole thread is a good reason why you should never turn your hobby into a job."
"Don't ruin something you love. Do something you're good at, instead. And do what you love as a hobby."
From the time we were kids, there were things that we always wanted to do.
But like anything else in life, some things are not going to be as great as we thought they would be.
Just like snowflakes, no two people's daily routines are exactly the same, because everyone has different things going on in their lives, as well as different things that are important to them.
For this reason, people who rise early in the morning also have all sorts of reasons for why they're racing the sun.
Redditor That_Late_Bloomer asked:
"People who wake up at 5am daily, why?"
To Avoid Traffic
"By 6:30 AM, there is already gridlock on the way to work. I go in early and get off early, beating the rush hour traffic both ways."
The Four-Legged Alarm Clock
"My cat politely lays on my neck until I wake up…"
The 9-to-5 Woes
"My job is an hour away, and I still need about an hour to cry in the shower."
Unable to Sleep
"Do you think I’m doing this on purpose?"
"You and me both. It's either lying in bed angry because I can't sleep or just getting up. I usually choose to get up."
"On my days off, I get up between 5:00 and 6:00 AM, so I can skate as the sun rises and the heat isn't intolerable. It's a great way to center myself."
More Candles, Earlier to Rise
"Age. As a teenager, I could sleep all weekend. From about 30, I never needed an alarm clock as I would always wake up before I needed to. At around 40, I started waking up around 6:30, and it gets earlier every year."
"I'm now almost 60 and am generally awake around 4:30 and up and running by 5:00 regardless of how late I go to bed."
"If this trend continues, I will be getting up before I've gone to bed. There are times, like weekends, when I wish I could sleep in, but overall, I enjoy being up early. Sunrise, coffee, and peace are nice."
"I’m a light sleeper and naturally wake up from light. Also, once I’m awake, it’s very difficult for me to fall back to sleep."
"Can’t help it. I naturally wake up around then. I like it tbh, everyone else is mostly asleep too so it’s a peaceful way to enjoy a coffee and wake up at your pace."
"This is so true. Early morning is really the best time of day, most people aren't up and about then. The night people have gone to bed, and the day people haven't woken up yet. Perfect."
"Upvote for quiet. Even if others are up, most don't need to talk much. Traffic is calmer. Even the weather takes a break in the early hours (mostly)."
"Smoothness of the early morning."
"Workout before work."
"Yep, a 5:30 workout class before the day starts is the only way I seem to be able to tackle exercise, work, and kids successfully in one day."
"Having kids is fun, but I love being a mom and have a great partner. It’s just getting everything done while having kids that’s hard. What once was a two-step process to leave the house is now 42 steps and someone’s randomly crying."
Getting Ready for School
"K I D S."
"I'm legitimately surprised how far down I had to scroll for this."
"My kids actually sleep in pretty late, but on school days, sometimes I wake up at 5:30 so I can get the house to myself before I need to wake them up."
To Watch the Sunrise
"The way I brew my coffee and make a morning smoothie takes a bit of time, and I like to watch the sun rise."
"I get up at 5:30. I can have most of my day done by 8:00 AM when normal people get up, meaning I can get things done a lot quicker since nobody else is about to interrupt or distract."
"On days off, I do the same. The gym is dead, Starbucks is dead, and I can have all my housework, etc., done by 8:00 AM when I have breakfast and then the day is mine to do whatever I want."
"I put endless stock in peace, everything is peaceful at 6:00 AM nothing is peaceful at 9:30."
In the Job Description
"I’m a barista. I make other people coffee before I can have coffee."
Me Time First
"I, like many people, typically have to be at work around 8:00 AM. If I wake up at 5:00 AM, I'm able to give MYSELF time before I give it to my employer."
"Before I even step out the door to go to work, I have time to read, make a nice breakfast, exercise, and maybe work on a personal project for a bit. It honestly just puts me in a better mood going into the day."
Listening to Their Circadian Rhythm
"For whatever reason, it’s easier for me to wake up REALLY early in the morning (3:00 AM to 6:00 AM) than later on in the morning."
"If I wake up at 5:00 AM, I have time to catch my breath and move slowly into the day, and I generally am buzzing with energy by 6:00 AM. If I wake up at 7:00 AM, especially in the summer when it’s already light out, I feel behind, stressed, etc., and that just makes me lay in bed longer."
"Knowing this, about three years ago, I started working at a bakery where shifts start at 4:00 and 5:30 AM. It’s always funny to me how some of my coworkers, while present and doing their jobs, clearly aren’t fully awake until 8:00 or 9:00 AM, whereas I on the other hand am talking a mile a minute the second I get in the door and I haven’t even had coffee yet."
"It’s also funny because even as a really little kid, I had a reputation of being able to sleep forever. I slept until 2:00 PM as a teenager most weekends if my parents didn’t notice. I think my internal rhythm is just off, but waking up super early is the only thing between me getting up and living my life and languishing depressed in bed all day."
While some people may absolutely despise rising early in the morning, others greatly value their time before the sun rises, or they feel like there's no other choice.
Either way, this is a great reminder that everyone's day looks different, based on what they've got going on in their lives, as well as what they value most.
When we feel we have been wronged by someone, we tend to think the worst of them.
But the concept of what is evil depends on the individual and their level of tolerance.
So what is pure evil then?
It's not always about demons. Because the truth is, humans are capable of doing some of the worst things imaginable.
Curious to hear about strangers' experiences with sinister forces around us, Redditor ThatOneDude44444 asked:
"Who do you believe is literally evil?"
Those who prey on the weak and vulnerable are some of the worst kinds of people out there.
"I knew a guy who retired from an investment firm before he was 40. I inquired if I could get a job at the firm. He told me 'if you can look a woman in the eyes, who’s scrubbed floors all her life, and tell her that you can quadruple her life savings by investing in a stock you know is worthless. Then you could work there' I felt sleazy just listening to him. I lost all respect for him. He preyed on poor desperate people, and ruined their lives, so he could retire in his 30s. I found out from a friend that the investment firm was a boiler room fly-by-night scam. Everyone who worked there was taken out in handcuffs."
"Health insurance denying treatments that your doctors have personally recommended."
"Health insurance companies insisting that you try other treatments first, or insisting that you work with in-network doctors who can't be seen for 6-8 months, intentionally delaying your proper treatment. It's f'king murder as far as I'm concerned."
"I could keep listing ways that the health insurance industry is pure evil."
Where Is The Care In Medicare?
"My mother was just diagnosed with a very serious condition that if not treated will make her go blind, her insurance is refusing to pay for her treatment. She’s 73 and will now owe 1500 usd each month so that she doesn’t go blind despite having Medicare. This is our system."
And there are those who are the devil incarnate.
The Moors Murders
"Ian Brady and Myra Hindley. The tape recording of one of their young victims crying for her mum while being tortured is awful. They refused to say where they buried Keith Bennett and that boy's poor mum died without knowing where he was. I hope they are forever being tortured in Hell."
The Torture Mother
"Gertrude Baniszewski, the 'caregiver' of Sylvia Likens. Her story still gives me chills."
"I barely made it through that story it was so, so horrendous. And our f'king legal system did barely anything to the heinous b*tch Gertrude and her evil daughter."
The fact that an individual can be solely responsible for a major national crisis is unthinkable.
But here we are, and several people came forward to share their stories.
Origin Of The Opioid Crisis
"Richard Sackler specifically would be the more correct answer in my opinion. The rest of them are greedy and borderline sociopathic sure, but I think few of them truly understood the ramifications of what Richard was orchestrating. Richard intentionally orchestrated the opioid epidemic and he knew exactly what he was doing and what the outcome would be. He banked the future of his company on creating a legion of opiate addicts that had no idea they were becoming opiate addicts. That is evil."
Victim Speaks Out
"I am a victim of this f'ker. Slipped a disk and was prescribed Oxycontin 2 40mgs a day. Within 6 months I was upped to 80mgs 3 times a day. That's the equivalent of 48 5mg percocet. I'm still struggling and this happened in the late 90s."
Time For Commiserating
"I’m so sorry to hear that that happened to you and that the effects are lingering 3ish decades later; that’s a significant period of time/portion of your life."
"I would like to also let you know that I am victim of this f'ker/family, but in the opposite way. I have had 2 discs in my neck collapse, I have had 2 spinal surgeries, I am in intractable pain. And all I can get is Rx ibuprofen or aleve or other NSAIDs that don’t touch the pain and can cause kidney and liver damage at the dosages I’m being prescribed. I’ve gotten to try every treatment EXCEPT opiates: surgeries, injections, lidocaine patches, antidepressants, nerve medication, massage, yoga, acupuncture, physical therapy, prolotherapy, and plasma rich protein treatment. The one time I asked for low dose opiates (like a single 5 mg Percocet as needed - not 48 daily), I was discharged from the pain management practice immediately for 'drug seeking'. And they’re the biggest practice in my state."
"Further, in the intervening time between my 2 surgeries (before I knew I needed the second surgery as my second disc had collapsed), I presented to the ER in intractable pain with physiological indicators like elevated heart rate and blood pressure. Not only was I not given any pain medication at all (not even toradol, an NSAID), I was also urine drug tested and told that even though I had no drugs in my system that I 'didn’t deserve' any medication and was wasting their time when they could be saving someone else’s life."
"We are BOTH victims of the Sackler family and the opiate prescription practices that led to what’s being called the 'opiate epidemic'. I am not trying to invalidate your experience (and I hope that comes through). I am just trying to show people reading these comments my side of the coin too. I see you u/bucklebee1. And I validate you. And I send you nothing but the best."– caboozalicious
Anyone who is capable of taking another life without even a hint of remorse doesn't deserve the title of being human.
They are purely evil.
And what's terrifying is that we don't really know the capabilities of most people until they snap.