In my family we have a standing rule that if it makes you laugh and it's nothing "major" - you can't get in trouble for it. In reality, we're all pretty laid back so getting in trouble is pretty rare anyway, but the rule has lead to a lifetime of playfully roasting one another in an attempt to get the other person to laugh.
Those roasts have been the breeding ground for some of our families biggest laughs because fam there is nothing funnier than a 6 year old calling you "Chicken nugget toes" like it's the most scandalous and life-changing bit of shade you're ever going to hear.
One Reddit user asked:
What is the greatest G-rated insult you've ever heard?
and yeah - kids are roastmasters. They're not the only ones capable of dropping a devastating one liner, though. Check out some of these absolute insult bombs that prove it doesn't needed to be raunchy to be relentless.
Fearsome Four
When my daughter was about 4, we spent the night at my parents and I was brushing her long hair after her bath. My dad told her she had such pretty hair, and asked if he could have a little to cover his bald spot. She didn't even look up and said "I think you have enough on your back to cover that."
- TrishiaH
My 4 year old once climbed into my lap, sweetly put her hand on my face and said "Is this supposed to be some kind of beard or something? " with just the right bewildered inflection to really make me question both my masculinity and my personal grooming choices.
Keepin' It Spicy
GIF by TLC Europe
Giphy
"If she was a spice, she'd be flour."
- _Fengo
Pretty much the same as "You unseasoned chicken wing".
"You single-layer lasagne"
Directions!
When my granddaughter was 10, she stayed home sick from school one day, and I burned some accrued leave to watch her. Around lunchtime, she felt well enough for mac-n-cheese, so I grab a box from the cupboard and start scanning each side. This took a while, but I found the very small print, and say, "Oh, good! Directions!"
Without missing a beat, she says, "You'll need them."
- cmd_iii
Non-Essential
My brother once drunkenly called someone a non-essential vitamin.
In medicine non essential vitamins get filtrated and send up been urine. Often when we see people buying lots of vitamins the comment is " I bloody bet is going to be an expensive wee"
- ramm1405
Okay, this one cracked me up. Your brother is far more creative of a linguist drunk than I am sober.
Hahaha I love that. 'you're like a non-essential vitamin, some people like having you but when you actually look into you realise nobody needs you there and you don't help anything, you're just kind of there... Which is like all of us but you think you're an essential vitamin. You're a non-essential vitamin with the mindset of an essential vitamin'
God you could kill someone with that.
- -Meggem-
It Isn't
Ashton Kutcher Burn GIF
Giphy
My daughter was going to sing a song in a talent show.
Daughter to son: are you going to be in the talent show too?
Son: no i dont have a talent.
Daughter: of course you do! Everyone has a talent! Like mine is singing.
Son: no it isn't.
Burn
Regret Management
Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isn't it?
- El_CM
Reading this hurt my feelings. I need to re-evaluate.
This wasn't even pointed at me, and I feel attacked.
Agreed with this one, and then realized it was an insult.
Babyrage
My oldest daughter called me Captain Hook when she was 3. She had run off to her room in a fit of rage and apparently that was the worst insult she could she come up with. Definitely a moment where I tried to hide the fact that I was laughing.
- krnoel
Every time my brother was mad my mother told him he was precious. So in a fit of rage he yelled YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS!" before storming off lol
A Wooden Onesie
Good old England, throwing out the classics. I once heard someone refer to a coffin in the most spectacular way in a sentence something like "Yer mum looks older than my Nan and she's in a wooden onesie."
In Brazil we have "wooden coat". And when someone dies some people say they "buttoned their coat"
Festive Family Ties
You look like someone whose family tree is a wreath.
I thought this was about Christmas trees for a minute... Why make fun of people who are too poor for a tree??
Oh. Wait...
- moo4mtn
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Redditor ChrisVIII wanted to discuss the best ways to make living better, in the most simple of ways.
They asked:
"What improved your quality of life so much, you wish you did it sooner?"
Pay attention in school.
Don't drink and drive.
Two very small and life altering decisions I wish I could've done better.
Walk Away
"Walking. After years of trying to run, I simply started walking. 5-7 miles a day in good weather. It is literally life changing in terms of mental and physical health." ~ Merlin560
GiphyAdopt...
"Adopted my block. (adoptoneblock.org) Instead of being sad about trash everywhere, I go out a couple times a week with a grabber and a bucket and just clean it up. Fresh air, a chance to connect with neighbors in a positive way, eyes on the street, neighborhood looks nicer and feels safer, zero downside."
"Adoptoneblock might only be in Oregon, but a picker is like 20 bucks for a good one (I recommend Arcmate brand; they're metal inside and last forever) and 5-gallon buckets are everywhere. Even if you only do the block around your house, it makes a huge difference. Imagine if every block got adopted." ~ binkkit
"helping people out"
"I stopped saying yes to things I didn't want to do." ~ VinnyRuns
"Holy sh*t me too! I used to do hair and eventually once I was working for myself I would say yes to literally everything all the time. Including 'helping people out' and stuff like that. I loved making people happy but I eventually got more and more miserable and ended up with a pretty heavy drug addiction."
"A bunch of years later and some really helpful therapy and I work a job that I actually love and no longer do hair for anyone other than my girlfriend or very close family. Only took 16 years of doing something I didn't really love to finally break and make the changes I needed to get what I want out of life." ~ arcaneresistance
Sail Away
"Taking a yearly vacation. My family never traveled growing up so I didn't know what I was missing out on but I have a good paying job with time off benefits and my wife and I have been taking a vacation every year since we got married, even if it's just something simple the time away from the usual day-to-day does wonders." ~ brshimp
Push No
"Turning off all push notifications except for essentials like financial apps or important contacts." ~ cyan_reynolds
GiphyI'm learning so much already.
And HOW do I turn off those notifications?
Swallow
"Swallowed my pride and got a blue collar job. For almost 20 years I followed my mother's advice, work inside so it's warm when it's cold outside and cool when it's warm outside. Now I deliver packages outside and the weather doesn't bother me. I have no boss on my shoulder and I can do my job however I want." ~ veldrinshade
Restful Nights
"CPAP machine. If you snore at all, you owe it to yourself to get a sleep study and see what is going on. It literally changed my life getting one. I went from constant caffeine throughout the day just to function to feeling rested for the first time in years. Especially if you are overweight like I am, your heart is stopping multiple times an hour as you struggle to breathe while snoring."
"It sucks getting used to the machine (especially if you have to wear the full face mask), but man that first night of actual deep sleep will be life changing. I cannot recommend it enough and I have convinced at least 5 people that I know to get one and they all say the same thing, should have done it years ago." ~ bonez59054
The Top View
"Quit my job and moved to the mountains. I realized I cared more about what I did with my free time than whatever work I did, so I got a job where my SO and I wanted to live. We live in a cute mountain town now and every day watching the sunrise at home gives me 1000% more happiness than anything ever in Illinois." ~ starciv14
Water and bedding are essentials to happy living.
Don't be afraid, you can always start doing better now.
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