In my family we have a standing rule that if it makes you laugh and it's nothing "major" - you can't get in trouble for it. In reality, we're all pretty laid back so getting in trouble is pretty rare anyway, but the rule has lead to a lifetime of playfully roasting one another in an attempt to get the other person to laugh.
Those roasts have been the breeding ground for some of our families biggest laughs because fam there is nothing funnier than a 6 year old calling you "Chicken nugget toes" like it's the most scandalous and life-changing bit of shade you're ever going to hear.
One Reddit user asked:
What is the greatest G-rated insult you've ever heard?
and yeah - kids are roastmasters. They're not the only ones capable of dropping a devastating one liner, though. Check out some of these absolute insult bombs that prove it doesn't needed to be raunchy to be relentless.
Fearsome Four
When my daughter was about 4, we spent the night at my parents and I was brushing her long hair after her bath. My dad told her she had such pretty hair, and asked if he could have a little to cover his bald spot. She didn't even look up and said "I think you have enough on your back to cover that."
- TrishiaH
My 4 year old once climbed into my lap, sweetly put her hand on my face and said "Is this supposed to be some kind of beard or something? " with just the right bewildered inflection to really make me question both my masculinity and my personal grooming choices.
Keepin' It Spicy
GIF by TLC Europe
Giphy
"If she was a spice, she'd be flour."
- _Fengo
Pretty much the same as "You unseasoned chicken wing".
"You single-layer lasagne"
Directions!
When my granddaughter was 10, she stayed home sick from school one day, and I burned some accrued leave to watch her. Around lunchtime, she felt well enough for mac-n-cheese, so I grab a box from the cupboard and start scanning each side. This took a while, but I found the very small print, and say, "Oh, good! Directions!"
Without missing a beat, she says, "You'll need them."
- cmd_iii
Non-Essential
My brother once drunkenly called someone a non-essential vitamin.
In medicine non essential vitamins get filtrated and send up been urine. Often when we see people buying lots of vitamins the comment is " I bloody bet is going to be an expensive wee"
- ramm1405
Okay, this one cracked me up. Your brother is far more creative of a linguist drunk than I am sober.
Hahaha I love that. 'you're like a non-essential vitamin, some people like having you but when you actually look into you realise nobody needs you there and you don't help anything, you're just kind of there... Which is like all of us but you think you're an essential vitamin. You're a non-essential vitamin with the mindset of an essential vitamin'
God you could kill someone with that.
- -Meggem-
It Isn't
Ashton Kutcher Burn GIF
Giphy
My daughter was going to sing a song in a talent show.
Daughter to son: are you going to be in the talent show too?
Son: no i dont have a talent.
Daughter: of course you do! Everyone has a talent! Like mine is singing.
Son: no it isn't.
Burn
Regret Management
Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isn't it?
- El_CM
Reading this hurt my feelings. I need to re-evaluate.
This wasn't even pointed at me, and I feel attacked.
Agreed with this one, and then realized it was an insult.
Babyrage
My oldest daughter called me Captain Hook when she was 3. She had run off to her room in a fit of rage and apparently that was the worst insult she could she come up with. Definitely a moment where I tried to hide the fact that I was laughing.
- krnoel
Every time my brother was mad my mother told him he was precious. So in a fit of rage he yelled YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS!" before storming off lol
A Wooden Onesie
Good old England, throwing out the classics. I once heard someone refer to a coffin in the most spectacular way in a sentence something like "Yer mum looks older than my Nan and she's in a wooden onesie."
In Brazil we have "wooden coat". And when someone dies some people say they "buttoned their coat"
Festive Family Ties
You look like someone whose family tree is a wreath.
I thought this was about Christmas trees for a minute... Why make fun of people who are too poor for a tree??
Oh. Wait...
- moo4mtn
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Can you imagine having to work day in and out with evil? I've lost track of the amount of times I would've rathered gone home with an ornery customer than be saddled with some of the co-workers I had. I don't like to gossip, well that's true. And they deserve hurt feelings. Let's see who can compare notes...
hate u...
Phaedra Parks Bye Felicia GIFGiphyCollections. I worked in IT at a collection agency. People would start out normal but after a while they would forget to turn off the crap-mode they used on the phone when dealing with other people. After a few years, they treated everyone like a deadbeat.
The Abyss...
Some of the most broken people I've ever met were mental health workers.
Can concur. There's something to Nietzsche's thoughts on staring into the Abyss. It's not easy to leave the things you see and know at the office.
Source: am a psych nurse practitioner.
The Hill
MLM marketers, or at least, those who are actually successful with MLMs.
Can confirm. My cousin does one of the beauty ones, and all I see on her facebook page is this crap. She used to be cool and fun to hang out with, then she got into the rodan fields crap and it all went down hill.
PRAISE!!
Television Evangelists.
This is the best answer. Other jobs I can think of at least one good example, even if they're in a crap organization. I can't think of any televangelist who isn't a grifting sack of crap.
Industry Issues...
miami vice ok GIFGiphyRestaurant and bar owners usually suck. There are exceptions, I've known a couple that were cool but most of them are horrible idiots with weird God complexes. I think because most of the staff is easily replaceable and it's an industry where its easy to take advantage of people. I've just met some real crap heads working in bars.
Exactly. Especially that last one. I told you. And it's a bit disappointing that our mental health professionals aren't all decent human beings. That seems like it should be a professional requirement but alas, people are people.
In Florida...
I was a correctional officer for a year in Florida. I cannot say if this profession has the absolute worst people, but it is really bad. Maybe you could imagine what it would be like going into a locked down facility day after day, coming face to face with some of the worst people imaginable, receiving death threats on a daily basis, dodging manipulation and dealing with some of the absolute insanity that goes on. I have minor PTSD from my year there.
The energy in a place like that affects everyone there unfortunately. The officers there can sometimes take on the energy of the inmates, and some may be just as manipulative, angry, and sometimes insane as the prisoners themselves. This could be a highly subjective thing. Some prisons may be different or better.
But I honestly believe that no place like that can harbor a completely good person for long without fundamentally changing who they are. I left because I did not like what the environment was doing to me. I give my absolute full respect to the men and women who do that job as lifelong careers though. There are good people that do the job, don't get me wrong. It is just incredibly hard to keep it up in the midst of such conditions.
For the Healthy
Mental health. Some excellent people. Some I would turn and run from if I saw them on the street.
In my experience as a life-long patient (early onset schizo), nursing assistants in psychiatry are the worst. They're burnt out & bitter at best, usually just straight up cruel and give zero f*cks about patients' emotional wellbeing.
People seem to get a power trip from degrading us, especially the young ones. Constant drama and in-fighting in most institutions too from what you can overhear. They tend to scream all the time at everything. I've met a few decent ones.
I was watching some dating reality show at a friend's place and one of the girls said she can make like 100k off one Instagram post IIRC.
They may suck and not add much to society but if I could make a simple post and make more than I normally would in a year I'd be doing it.
Silicon Issues
People in tech can make so much money, at such a young age, with so little education and certification, that it naturally attracts some of the worst peeps you've ever wanted to strangle with a mouse cord. The egos are in the stratosphere but the social skills can be down somewhere in the Mariana Trench.
Hollywood
Oscars Hollywood GIF by The Academy AwardsGiphyApparently showbiz.
And also the industry is so cutthroat even the ones at the bottom have to be so competitive it bleeds into their personality to a fault.
Oh Hollywood, the land of dreams and sorrow, and home to some of the lowest of the low. But what are we gonna do? I guess we can just try to be our best selves and hope it spreads. Although I'm sure a few people have a thing or two to preach about me. Oh well.
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