People Share The Greatest G-Rated Insult They've Ever Heard

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In my family we have a standing rule that if it makes you laugh and it's nothing "major" - you can't get in trouble for it. In reality, we're all pretty laid back so getting in trouble is pretty rare anyway, but the rule has lead to a lifetime of playfully roasting one another in an attempt to get the other person to laugh.


Those roasts have been the breeding ground for some of our families biggest laughs because fam there is nothing funnier than a 6 year old calling you "Chicken nugget toes" like it's the most scandalous and life-changing bit of shade you're ever going to hear.

One Reddit user asked:

What is the greatest G-rated insult you've ever heard?

and yeah - kids are roastmasters. They're not the only ones capable of dropping a devastating one liner, though. Check out some of these absolute insult bombs that prove it doesn't needed to be raunchy to be relentless.

Fearsome Four

When my daughter was about 4, we spent the night at my parents and I was brushing her long hair after her bath. My dad told her she had such pretty hair, and asked if he could have a little to cover his bald spot. She didn't even look up and said "I think you have enough on your back to cover that."

- TrishiaH

My 4 year old once climbed into my lap, sweetly put her hand on my face and said "Is this supposed to be some kind of beard or something? " with just the right bewildered inflection to really make me question both my masculinity and my personal grooming choices.

- JoelCStanley

Keepin' It Spicy

GIF by TLC Europe Giphy

"If she was a spice, she'd be flour."

- _Fengo

Pretty much the same as "You unseasoned chicken wing".

- liyououiouioui

"You single-layer lasagne"

- IKnowWhyTheRumIsGone

Directions!

When my granddaughter was 10, she stayed home sick from school one day, and I burned some accrued leave to watch her. Around lunchtime, she felt well enough for mac-n-cheese, so I grab a box from the cupboard and start scanning each side. This took a while, but I found the very small print, and say, "Oh, good! Directions!"

Without missing a beat, she says, "You'll need them."

- cmd_iii

Non-Essential

My brother once drunkenly called someone a non-essential vitamin.

- BErtNotBurt

In medicine non essential vitamins get filtrated and send up been urine. Often when we see people buying lots of vitamins the comment is " I bloody bet is going to be an expensive wee"

- ramm1405

Okay, this one cracked me up. Your brother is far more creative of a linguist drunk than I am sober.

- LucidLumie

Hahaha I love that. 'you're like a non-essential vitamin, some people like having you but when you actually look into you realise nobody needs you there and you don't help anything, you're just kind of there... Which is like all of us but you think you're an essential vitamin. You're a non-essential vitamin with the mindset of an essential vitamin'

God you could kill someone with that.

- -Meggem-

It Isn't

Ashton Kutcher Burn GIF Giphy

My daughter was going to sing a song in a talent show.

Daughter to son: are you going to be in the talent show too?

Son: no i dont have a talent.

Daughter: of course you do! Everyone has a talent! Like mine is singing.

Son: no it isn't.

Burn

- callieboo112

Regret Management

Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isn't it?

- El_CM

Reading this hurt my feelings. I need to re-evaluate.

- jeazyjosh554

This wasn't even pointed at me, and I feel attacked.

- Mad_Aeric

Agreed with this one, and then realized it was an insult.

- fishyoffishial

Babyrage

My oldest daughter called me Captain Hook when she was 3. She had run off to her room in a fit of rage and apparently that was the worst insult she could she come up with. Definitely a moment where I tried to hide the fact that I was laughing.

- krnoel

Every time my brother was mad my mother told him he was precious. So in a fit of rage he yelled YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS!" before storming off lol

- mythirdpersonality

A Wooden Onesie

Good old England, throwing out the classics. I once heard someone refer to a coffin in the most spectacular way in a sentence something like "Yer mum looks older than my Nan and she's in a wooden onesie."

- tinyywarrior

In Brazil we have "wooden coat". And when someone dies some people say they "buttoned their coat"

- KinoMario

Festive Family Ties

You look like someone whose family tree is a wreath.

- angry_pecan

I thought this was about Christmas trees for a minute... Why make fun of people who are too poor for a tree??

Oh. Wait...

- moo4mtn

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