Bartenders Reveal The Wildest Things Drunk Patrons Have Ever Admitted To Them
*Bartending is a tough gig. Aside from the physical hardships there is the emotional. Everyone sees you as their best friend, confidante and therapist half the time. Why? Because they hold the keys the liquor! You know we all get a little crazy and a lot truthful once we've had a libation or six. *
Redditor **manaustin reached out to the bartenders of Reddit asking... *Bartenders of reddit, what are some of the things drunk people have told you while completely hammered? *Careful of those inner secrets people. Maybe that last shot isn't a great idea.**
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?
I used to work in a bar across from a large hospital. I had one guy spend a lot of time in the bar while his wife was in the hospital across the street having a difficult childbirth. He told me my martinis were the best and promised to name his child after me. I of course dismissed this as the drunken ramblings of a madman.
Came in a couple weeks later and showed me the birth certificate of his daughter. She had four middle names, one of which was a feminised version of mine.
To this day I'm kicking myself for not asking who the other three were named after. I wonder if any of them were other bartenders...
MAYBE JUST LIVE TOGETHER FIRST.
One guy told me his girlfriend wanted them to get married. He was asking me if I thought it was a good idea even though this was the first time I'd ever met him. I told him if he's asking a stranger if they think it's a good idea for him to get married then it's probably not a good idea.
ONE, TWO FREDDY'S COMING FOR YOU....
Had a regular get drunk and recount a dream he had once about Freddy Krueger.
Several years later, I'm having a conversation with someone about dreams in that same bar. He just happened to be sitting next to the customer I was chatting with, fairly drunk and idly listening to our conversation so I decided to try it...
"This one time I had a dream that I was being chased down the street by Freddy Krueger, then while he was chasing me he grew really big and would cup his hands over the sun. He would do it really fast and there was this crazy strobe effect."
This was nearly exactly how he had originally told it to me. About halfway into the story I noticed him look up. By the end of it, he was standing, tears in his eyes, scared to death that we had the same Freddy dream, yelling "No way dude! No way! Are you serious? Are you with me right now?"
"Yeah dude, I'm messing with you. You told me that story a few years ago and forgot."
I had him going though.
The story pretty much ends there. We had a good laugh. He let the relief wash over him. I think he might have said "good one" at some point. I might have told him there's no such thing as Freddy at some point.
LET ME GET MY CRYSTAL BALL.
My dad was drinking at a bar and talking to the owner (who was really drunk) and the owner was telling my dad his plans for the future. Just basic stuff like how he wanted to move to Arizona and open a bar there, etc.
Anyway a few months later my father was in the same bar and there was a psychic there reading fortunes and shit. My dad declined to have his fortune read saying that he didn't want to because he was a psychic himself. So he proceeded to recount all the owners future plans back to him. The owner was shocked and agreed that everything my dad said was true. The psychic gazed deep into my fathers eyes and after a few seconds proclaimed "You have the gift." My dad didn't reveal his method and probably milked it for a few free beers.
I REMEMBER YOU FROM MY PREVIOUS LIFE.
My favorite was a regular who came up to the bar for a glass of red wine. At this point he was not yet a regular, it was his first time here. I poured the elderly man a nice glass of pinot noir, told him a little about the wine and the history of the building the bar is in (built in 1604!) cause he seemed interested in it. He was.
We chat a little and he is overall a pleasant, but quirky, old man. At one point he looks at me and says _"You must know, I have a gift. I can read people's past. Not their current past, but previous lives. I can't do it with everyone, but I am getting strong signals from your past. Would you like to know yours?" _We're now joined by another regular of mine, a girl I was actually trying to get with at the time, but the saaaadly never happend.
I pour the man another glass, pour myself one too because this is about to get good. He tells me what he sees and feels in my past lives. There is one live he can see very clearly, but it's a bit shocking he says. I tell him to go on. The girl is asking all kind off "in your face" questions, she's being a little annoying honestly. The old man ignores them or answers them if she can and tells me about this previous life I lived. He tells me I was an Irish boy (I have a big red beard, go figure!) and that my family and I feld Ireland during the famine. We got on a boat to new york, my mom died on the boat and I joined a gang in new york. I eventually die in a gang fight with a rival gang. Sounds familiar, right? Well, when the man went to the bathroom I checked and indeed, "Gangs of New York" was on cable the night before.
The man comes back and the girl and I play along. He tells me some more details about the movie, I mean, my previous life. I go along with his until he stops talking about it. Then the girl turns to him and asks "And me? Can you see my previous life?" He looks at her, takes a sip of his wine and says "Yes. Yes, you were a monkey".
CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET...
I once had a military guy, probably about 26 who was a regular at the bar I worked at last year. He would come in alone to chat with my coworker and I and seemed pretty lonely; this bar was in a smaller town with not a great scene or much military presence. Anyway one slow night he comes in right before I am about to close and asks me for a whiskey sour. I make it for him but before I can even give it to him he looks up at me with the saddest face and says "I have something to confess. I take steroids." I was pretty speechless so I said "uh, at least it isn't heroin?" And on the next breath he goes_"I take them up my butt. I've never told anyone that." _And slumps down in his chair. I have no idea if he had a bad sexual encounter or if the weight of his use was just too much to keep private anymore, but I honestly felt bad for the guy. Wonder where he ended up.
EXCUSE ME... I NEED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL. HELLO... 9-1-1...
I have had so many bizarre people walk into the bar I work at. It's a really small place that people enjoy drinking quietly at. Over the years I've had a range of odd topics from a restaurant owner admitting he never sold fresh food to people unless they knew him.
Lots of people end up talking about how they have no one to talk to about their problems so I guess they find comfort telling a stranger who doesn't have an obligation to care.
GENTLEMEN.... TIME'S UP!!!
I have two favorite stories :
The first one is one time while I was working my husband stopped by to visit me and he was flirting big time. The guy next to him who was plastered leaned over and attempted to whisper but ended up shouting "she definitely wants to go home with you but I don't know if you noticed she is wearing a wedding ring, tread lightly" my husband started laughing and said "well she is my wife so I hope she wants to come home with me"
My second favorite story was when this girl came in with this guy, the whole time he was this sleazy a-hole to her constantly putting her down and touching her inappropriately even though she constantly told him to stop. Later he went to the restroom and she admitted this was their first date and she didn't know what to do. She was really scared. Then she went to the bathroom just to get away for awhile. When the guy came back he poured something into her drink thinking no one saw. Right as she was coming back I picked up her drink and dumped it on his head and told the bouncer what happened. I have never seen the bouncer happier than when he literally picked this guy up and threw him out. The girl and I are now best friends.
I'LL TELL YOU WHOSE ABOUT TOGET PUNCHED SIR!
5'3" Waitress here - a man at least 250 lbs and 6'2" told me he'd punch me in the face if I didn't get him a to-go cup for his Long island iced tea he asked for after I told him it was illegal. So there's that.
DRUNKS ARE FIESTY FOR SURE!
Man so many to choose from here I'll give a few of my favorites. The time this woman was talking to me and started to complain about her boyfriends penis, he was sitting next to her she didn't notice.
The time some drunk guy gave me an I.d. That was obviously fake, I denied him and he said "No it's fake it's fine."
Extra story when I was a cocktail I actually got knocked out by a drunk guy who tried to punch another guy but was so drunk he missed wide right and made contact with me. When I came too he was on the ground by the bouncer and apologizing to me, I felt bad for that guy.
SOMETIMES YOU NEED A CONFESSIONAL NOT A BAR.
Regular, quiet fellow. Usually stayed for one or two pints and then headed out. It was several weeks before he opened up.
He wasn't hammered when he told me, it was really just conversation. Buddy had killed a guy while driving under the influence. He started coming to my bar after he finished his prison sentence.
He seemed pretty damn choked up about it, I always wonder how he's doing. I got out of the business though, lost touch with the regulars.
CRYING IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL.
I'm a bartender/waiter at a restaurant in Puerto Rico. After Hurricane Irma the owner bought a huge power generator so we wouldn't go out of business. We were fine for a few days before we got our butts kicked by Hurricane María. I was able to get back to work 5 days after the María hit and I have never had such an emotional day at work. I worked for 12 hours straight selling bottled water and sodas due to the dry law.
After about maybe the 8th straight hour working the place started to empty due to the curfew. There was military enforcing people to go home before nightfall. I was cleaning up the place when an older gentleman, Vietnam vet and coincidentally a die-hard Steelers fan (just like me) came over for a whiskey sour. At first I told him I couldn't sell it to him because of the dry law and I could get in really big trouble. Turns out he's friends with all the military surrounding the area and he had permission for one drink.
I served him the drink and he just straight up asks me "How are you, man? How's your family?"
That destroyed me. I hadn't seen my parents in days. Had no cell signal so I couldn't call them. I had just moved in with my GF and after the storm she had to stay with her mom because she lived closer to her job. I was incredibly alone and felt hopeless. I just started crying and talking to the guy and eventually calmed down but hooooly crap I needed a good cry.
EVERYBODY NEEDS A FRIEND.
All of the things that they would tell anyone else, if they had anyone else. Got a lot of mentally ill and downtrodden folk sitting in front of me just to have a chat. Took me a while to realize that I'm the only person a lot of them ever talk to in a week.
WHATEVER... JUST SHOW ME THE $$$$$
I was a paid designated driver and i have a ton of stories.
i used to drive to people to the big city and take them to strip clubs and such way before uber. one one trip this guy is flashing a fistful of hundred dollar bills. we are at the strip club and he's flashing hundreds to the waitresses and tipping singles. i'm the designated driver so basically i get free soda and in a few places wings and such. at the end of the night the guys is supposed to pay me ten bucks, since it's ten bucks a head and there's twelve people in the van. he's like well i'm outta singles here's one of the hundred dollar bills. the next morning he shows up asks me if he gave me one of the hundreds. i look at him and i say you told me not to say anything about last night.
JERRY. JERRY. YOU SHOULD WRITE THIS STUFF DOWN TO KEEP TRACK.
There's a regular at my job, Jerry, who is also our locksmith. He's a mess. He likes the daytime bartender best but he's known to come in around noon and not leave until midnight or later. He's also prone to lying and forgetting what lies he's told us. We all swap Jerry stories about the ridiculous things he insists are true. Some of my favorites are:
-He's had rabies (but he got better)
-He's got 8 kids
-He's a gay man (it changes from day to day so our best guess is bisexual)
-He impulsively bought 4 horses
-He sold all 4 horses less than a week later
-He saw the play Hamilton in high school
-He had AIDS (but he got better)
-He's installed locks on the White House
I'M NOT GOING TO HIT YOU.
There was this guy at the bar a few weeks ago, he was lonely and his face was completely hazy. He stayed until closure time without saying a single word beside what drink he wanted. Usually I don't but this time I had lot of pity for the man so I offered him the last round (he was the only client left). When it was time for me to go home he asked really politely if I could knock him down and that he will give me 50€. I started laughing but quick after I realized he was serious so I tried to ask what's up and why do he wants me to do this, told him that no money will make me hit an innoncent man. He didn't answer but he thanks me then moved on. I called the police to describe the guy and let them know my fear that he does something stupid to himself. No news from him or police since so I'm sure everything went good that night thankfully.
YES SIR OFFICER.
Been a bartender for years. Have older ladies trying to pick me up pretty regularly, have dealers slide me 50 dollar bills. Have had people try to fight me because I cut them off or it was last call.
The craziest things is the people I see cheating, or the people that I learn are swingers. I live in a pretty small town so it's weird to see. I've had some bad experiences but I've also had some great ones.
I took social work in college as a stepping stone to get into policing but had kinda given up after not being able to find a job in social work. I was serving some guy at the bar top and suddenly he calls me over and out of nowhere says " you're into policing eh? " I was pretty confused cause I hadn't mentioned it at all and I've never seen this guy. I asked him how he knew he replied _" I've been a cop for 30 years, we know a cop when we see one. " _and this motivated me. I explained my situation and how I couldn't find a job and he gave me a bunch of tips and pointers on how to get into policing and I was just really appreciative.
He was sitting there quiet all night not saying anything till suddenly he bursts into conversation like that. I was pretty confused but he was a great guy.
YOU GOT PROBLEMS DUDE. I KNOW... I'M A DOCTOR.
I had one guy who claimed to have studied sociology/psychology while in the army, started telling me about how much he knew how much about soldier's brains, and made it clear he was actively analyzing me and testing the reactions of my coworkers. It was very uncomfortable, as I'm already aware of how screwed up I am and complexes I have, but hoped it wasn't that obvious. He did tip me though, so he's definitely far from the worst customer I've ever had.
SEE NO EVIL. NO QUESTIONS.
Back in the 90s I bartended in a club called the Zone Cafe in Hong Kong. Massive Triad hangout, tons of fights. Closing time was about 4am- anyway this bloke wouldn't leave, in the end he was hauled out by the bouncers. All the staff sit down and have a couple of beers, then we lock up and walk towards the MTR (underground station)- all along the pavement theres splashes of blood (for a good 30 yards). Found the guys body between two parked cars- he'd been chopped probably 20 odd times. We were told he had slept with the girlfriend of a'big brother' in the 14k Triad. Poor guy.
People Break Down The Exact Moment They Realized They Were Being Manipulated By Someone They Trusted
Manipulation is designed to be stealthy. We hardly recognize it when it's happening to us because our abuser has forced it to appear under wraps.
But when we recognize it for what it really is, we really feel like we've been smacked across the face. There is no other descriptor for it. Usually we've trusted and loved those that manipulated us.
A Platitude Of Pleasing<p>You never know where the next blowout is coming from. Any time something needs to be addressed, you might try to bring it up once, gently, if you're feeling brave. If you meet the slightest bit of resistance, or you don't feel like that fight in the first place, you just go "okay dear" instead. You find that you'll put the argument off until next time, and hope that whatever you thought to bring up won't have any consequences, because you'll be hearing about those, too. It sucks, and I'm glad you can speak about it in the past tense.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/TheGreatestAuk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">TheGreatestAuk</a></p>
Wrong Or Right Or Just Not Agreeing?<p>When I started realizing that I was feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I never knew which version of my friend I'd get when we saw each other, or when we hung out. I also just completely stopped disagreeing with them because I didn't want to hear them tell me how wrong I was if we didn't share the same viewpoint.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/WhatArcherWhat/" target="_blank">WhatArcherWhat</a></p>
Being Used<p>My best friend suddenly distanced herself from me. But every now and then she'd call and ask if I wanted to do something, and I was encouraged because I thought it meant that things were still good between us. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that she only called when she wanted to do something that required a ride, since she didn't have a car. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I don't use people that way so I didn't recognize user behavior. You can bet I do now.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Goldeverywhere/" target="_blank">Goldeverywhere</a></p>
Hiding The Receipts<p>I was living with my former best friend and his gf at the time. When I asked for grocery receipts (I trusted him & his ex to buy groceries bc I didn't have a car at the time + our work schedules were different so I couldn't go with them) and they wouldn't provide any. The only reason I became suspicious was bc they started asking for a ridiculous amount of money for my half and the actual amount of food wasn't adding up. Up until that point they never asked for a crazy amount and I was content with our groceries, but I noticed they became extremely greedy. When I then asked to see a banking statement, they wouldn't even provide me with that either.</p><p>At that point I just realized they were finessing me out of extra money and I started buying my own food. I just bit my tongue bc we only had like 2 months left on the lease. They tried to gaslight me and make me seem like the bad guy any chance they had (almost the entire time I lived with them actually). Eventually, I grew apart from him once I moved away and the only reason he hit me back up was bc she cheated on him so he probably didn't have anyone else to turn to (go figure). We don't talk anymore.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/0MG1MW3T/" target="_blank">0MG1MW3T</a></p>
Ah Yes, Good Old DARVO<p>My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. She's always encouraged me to tell her what's wrong, however, any time I would she'd immediately go "sorry I'm such a terrible mother, I give you everything you want and it's still not good enough! Why don't you just go live with someone you don't hate?" Keep in mind this happens over small things such as "mom, I'd appreciate it if you'd knock before coming into my room. You know how easily I startle and you barging into my room really upsets me"</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/paytonc0510/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">paytonc0510</a></p>
How Do You Do This To Someone<p>8 years into the relationship. As we're sitting down he explains to me that the "first couple years" we were together he only saw me as a place to crash and free rides, but he loved me NOW, and even though I accomplished all the goals HE set for ME so we could get married he said "I never really thought you could do it". Oh and also you got fat, but don't worry we can fix it! It was like a magic veil lifted and I finally saw who he really was. F**k you James.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/DoNotUseOnHumans/" target="_blank">DoNotUseOnHumans</a></p>
Be My Friend And Not Theirs<p>She always managed to make me do things I didn't really want to do but the last straw was when she decided I had to stop being friends with two mates of mine over something stupid that offended her. </p><p>Cut her off over that and she then proceeded to act derisively ("you'll come back"), then badmouthed me and then begged me to take her back. Ten years later I am still friends with those two guys and she's still out of my life.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/FatherTedHackett/" target="_blank">FatherTedHackett</a></p>
Victim Time<p>When literally every time me and my mom talked she played the victim.</p><p>I was trying to help her raise me, ask me about my grades and stuff. For her I just existed, she wasn't responsible at all.</p><p>I grew up watching her play the victim to others, and I was always on her side, cuz she's my mom you know. Also I never really understood what was going on.</p><p>I started getting older and older, and seeing sh*t after sh*t she did. I understood what she did to my father, to my step-dad, to my sister, to her friends.</p><p>Probably I'd be the next one who she would use and throw away.</p><p>I talked to her... and you know the result. The victim. Nothing it's her fault.</p><p>The last time we talked, I was expecting the victim card. When she started speaking, I already knew what was going to happen. I didn't even said a word, I just agreed with her, and the next day I moved out. I'm not wasting my time.</p><p>It was the last day before quarantine, I remember it as if it was yesterday. Friday night: saturday morning I was packing my stuff.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/NotFromHeel/" target="_blank">NotFromHeel</a></p>
Sixteen Years Of Made Up Lies<p>After 16 years of marriage I realized my now ex was manipulating me. I would work and take care of the house and if I asked him to do something like get a job or clean up he would stage a mental breakdown and make me feel bad for asking him for help. </p><p>He would play up a horrible childhood or PTSD from the military to make me feel like I need to take care of him. Then would play on his computer all day and smoke while I worked. </p><p>Found out that a lot of his horrible childhood stories were made up and that he never made it through basic training in the military. I am happily with someone now but still catch myself cringing when he does things like cook or clean thinking that he is going to yell at me for being lazy. Meanwhile he loves me and is just doing things to take care of me. I'm working on deprogramming myself.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/HolyCelestialCow/" target="_blank">HolyCelestialCow</a></p>
Sometimes It's The Mother-In-Law<p>Took me until after the engagement to realize that my cheating ex fiancee was trying to browbeat me into submission.</p><p>Anywho, I quickly recognized emotional blackmail and manipulation from my MIL after getting married to a different girl years later due to that experience. I called her out on it.</p><p>She... Doesn't like that. But since my wife and sister-in-law and brother-in-law also recognize it they've got my back.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/engineertr1gg/" target="_blank">engineertr1gg</a></p>
Just as new mothers encounter the sudden, influential developments of powerful hormone changes, protective instincts, and milk production, so new fathers undergo some key changes of their own.
Their socks become exclusively white, climbing higher up the calf than ever before. All their shorts sprout cargo pockets and clunky belt loop cell phone holders. They start to really lean in to their old records.
Regional Laws<p>"Dad, driving past a cemetery: Did you know anyone living in a 3 mile radius of a cemetery isn't allowed to be buried there?"</p><p>"Me: No, I had no idea. How come?"</p><p>"Dad: Yeah, you're not allowed to bury the living"</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1d2k?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TinyLuckDragon</a></p>
For the Face Plant Image<p>"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat?"</p><p>"Because if they fell frontwards they'd still be on the boat" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjv4mt?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">hatsnatcher23</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Just told this one to my bf and he still has his face in his hands" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjka0w7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">sxeoompaloompa</a></p>
A Mammal of Few Words<p>"What did the father buffalo say when his child left for school?"</p><p>"Bison" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp257?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TatooineLight</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"LOL" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp9p0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">BennuH</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Told this to my brother, he laughed his a** off." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4cvq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Type10Civilization</a></p>
Baggage<p>"When I do home improvements I always use my step ladder"</p><p>"I never knew my real ladder" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjlkab?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">DavosLostFingers</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Whoever took the ladder, please return it or further steps will be taken." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjm2htz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WaldhornNate</a></p>
Woah Woah Woah, We're in Public<p>"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"</p><p>"Server: maybe the chicken strips for $6"</p><p>"Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help my hunger" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjuq78?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">mcnoobs_</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My husband was facepalming for solid 8 minutes after I read that joke to him." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjnee7m?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Madanax</a></p>
Not Wrong<p>"Two dudes were on a boat with a few cigarettes, but they didn't have anything to light them, so they threw one of the cigarettes out of the boat, and the boat became a cigarette lighter." </p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjkeoz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">OrangeMirrorJuice</a></p>
Watch the News Before Saying This One<p>"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?"</p><p>"It's okay, they eventually woke up."</p><p>"I cringe every time." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk0ej7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">unicorndreamz94</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My 10 year old tried this one a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had just read news about a missing local girl. 'So I answered that yes I heard about the missing girl' Scared the sh** out of my 10 year old" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjo3ssv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Aubear11885</a></p>
Got a Million of Em<p>"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh."</p><p>"I'm sorry but I'm about to say something tasteless. Water."</p><p>"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."</p><p>"Unfortunately though, I can't really tell these jokes since I'm not a dad. I'm a faux pa."</p><p> -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk9igl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WholeGrainMustard</a></p>
G-Pa With the Physics Humor<p>"Why does the movie "speed" have no director?"</p><p>"If it had direction, it'd be called velocity!"</p><p>"-my grandpa, earlier today" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4wdo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">ConceptUpset4681</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"That's better than a regular dad joke. It's a grand dad joke." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkuc30?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">VaultBoy9</a></p>
A Surprising Amount of Elevator Humor<p>"I have a joke about elevators."</p><p>"It works on so many levels......." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1lrv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">M0ntgomatron</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Did you hear about the corruption at the elevator company?"</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"It went all the way to the top." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkyjrp?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">RandomName222222222</a></p>
Cleaning up is hard enough when it's just clearing a month of dust bunnies. Can you imagine cleaning the debris left by murder, suicide and violence? I have a really great friend who used to do crime scene clean-up for a living. The pay is incredible; it starts at $55 an hour. But there is a much higher cost in mental well being. Death affects you in ways you don't always feel immediately. My friend has stories of nightmares, depression and pain after leaving scenes of horror. Why make all that money just to spend it on therapy? It takes a certain type of person.
***TRIGGER WARNING. CONTENTS ARE SENSITIVE ***Redditor u/MemegodDave wanted to hear from the people who have the stomach to come in after crime and tragedy
to try to bring back some form of normalcy to the location by asking... People who make their living out of cleaning murder scenes, accidents and the like, what is the worst thing you have experienced in your career?
Wrapped Up<p>Dad had to saran wrap a guy's intestines back into his body once.</p><p>Dude had surgery and pushed too hard on the toilet. Dude was fine, according to Dad, just holding himself together on the toilet while a group of firefighters tried to figure out why the hell they were sent instead of paramedics.</p><p><em>Update</em> When he pushed too hard he opened a scar on his torso/ab area and it all fell out onto his lap. Should have mentioned this when I wrote the post. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko9lq0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">noblemile</a><span></span></p>
Flesh<p>One that stuck with me was a suicide in a bathtub, we couldn't drain the tub, so had to use a coagulant then scoop up the bloody mess into biohazard bags. Same for the toilet. Another was a suicide by gun in a basement full of boxes which was a nightmare to clean as even the smallest bit of flesh had to be found and cleaned up. The smell of the smallest piece of flesh meant the job wasn't done until it was found. </p>
Walk Away<p>Medic here, first responder to a motorcycle collision. Guy who crashed was a friend. He'd been torn in half and almost decapitated.</p><p>Had to walk away from the scene and let my driver and another crew handle it. Think about it daily. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko4y58?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Sabre-23</a><span></span></p>
All over the House<p>I posted this on another thread so just copy and pasted it but this was one that I had to do</p><p>Clean up after a murder. It was a rehab house for ex cons, 4 bedroom house with communal bathroom and kitchen. Sunday morning and guy A is in his room listening to music pretty loud, guy B is in the kitchen cooking his breakfast, B knocks on A's door and tells him to turn it down, there's a small argument and B returns to his breakfast and A turns his music up. So B grabs the biggest knife in the kitchen, kicks in A's door and stabs him through his left shoulder, entering by his collar bone. </p>
"ride-alongs"<p>Not a cleaner, but my brother's best friend is a police officer and I heard all about this horrible experience:</p><p>My brother's friend took him on "ride-alongs," all the time. One day, they were responding to a welfare check. This guy's neighbor saw his apartment door cracked open for several days and called the police. They went to check it out and found a college student (18-19) who had shot himself. </p>
Melt Away<p>When I was a bartender, a couple of clients told me the worst part about the job is cleaning melted bodies.</p><p>I don't know the science behind that, but from what I understand is if a body stays for a while in a certain condition of temperature and humidity, it melts. And those guys have to remove that person's remains in buckets. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknsqfm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kaynny</a><span></span></p>
Audrey<p>I had a great uncle who helped clean up the bodies left behind by hurricane Audrey in 1957 and he said that the smell persisted in his nose for weeks after. It got so bad that he went to the doctor to see if they could do anything and they clipped all of his nose hairs and the smell went away. It was explained to him that the smell had soaked into the hair but I don't claim to know the validity of that statement.</p>
Hazard<p>One of my first jobs after moving I did this, and the job that had me walking wasn't even a scene as described. We did all types of hazmat cleans and the worst was actually a couple went on vacation and came back to backed up sceptic. Think about 1 ft thick hard dried out crusty sceptic waste spread throughout the entire 1st floor of a house. Not going further into detail here. Was nasty.</p><p>Septic, not sceptic. On break and mobile, so yeah... </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknvzn8?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kamenovski</a><span></span></p>
After the Crash...<p>Working for a tow truck driver that get the calls after crashes. The worst one for me was a family of 6 coming back with over 10 pizzas for a baseball team. It was a head on with a tractor trailer (18 wheeler). The ambulance took the bodies away of course, everyone died but one little guy. There was so much blood and vomit, diapers, toy dolls covered in blood, the pizza was everywhere inside of the car like 2" thick on everything and all over the road. </p>
Fresh Meat<p>Friend of mine does this.</p><p>His worst was an elderly woman who died in a bath. Skin falls off like long cooked meat. So he just saw piles of skin/flesh</p><p>God just writing this makes me gag. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknwqwu?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">PlagueDoc22</a><span></span></p>
We all know the telltale signs that something is making us uncomfortable. Suddenly, we begin shaking, either in our hands or knees or toes. Then, usually, sweat starts pouring out of every part of our body, making it look like we just ran through a rainstorm underneath a waterfall. Finally, we lose our regular speech functions. Everything goes out of sync and our words don't match up to what's in our minds.
What's interesting is that what usually brings about these fits of uncomfortableness differs from person to person, as evidenced by the stories below.