Bartenders Reveal The Wildest Things Drunk Patrons Have Ever Admitted To Them[rebelmouse-image 18346455 is_animated_gif=
*Bartending is a tough gig. Aside from the physical hardships there is the emotional. Everyone sees you as their best friend, confidante and therapist half the time. Why? Because they hold the keys the liquor! You know we all get a little crazy and a lot truthful once we've had a libation or six. *
Redditor **manaustin reached out to the bartenders of Reddit asking... *Bartenders of reddit, what are some of the things drunk people have told you while completely hammered? *Careful of those inner secrets people. Maybe that last shot isn't a great idea.**
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?
I used to work in a bar across from a large hospital. I had one guy spend a lot of time in the bar while his wife was in the hospital across the street having a difficult childbirth. He told me my martinis were the best and promised to name his child after me. I of course dismissed this as the drunken ramblings of a madman.
Came in a couple weeks later and showed me the birth certificate of his daughter. She had four middle names, one of which was a feminised version of mine.
To this day I'm kicking myself for not asking who the other three were named after. I wonder if any of them were other bartenders...
MAYBE JUST LIVE TOGETHER FIRST.[rebelmouse-image 18346456 is_animated_gif=
One guy told me his girlfriend wanted them to get married. He was asking me if I thought it was a good idea even though this was the first time I'd ever met him. I told him if he's asking a stranger if they think it's a good idea for him to get married then it's probably not a good idea.
ONE, TWO FREDDY'S COMING FOR YOU....[rebelmouse-image 18346457 is_animated_gif=
Had a regular get drunk and recount a dream he had once about Freddy Krueger.
Several years later, I'm having a conversation with someone about dreams in that same bar. He just happened to be sitting next to the customer I was chatting with, fairly drunk and idly listening to our conversation so I decided to try it...
"This one time I had a dream that I was being chased down the street by Freddy Krueger, then while he was chasing me he grew really big and would cup his hands over the sun. He would do it really fast and there was this crazy strobe effect."
This was nearly exactly how he had originally told it to me. About halfway into the story I noticed him look up. By the end of it, he was standing, tears in his eyes, scared to death that we had the same Freddy dream, yelling "No way dude! No way! Are you serious? Are you with me right now?"
"Yeah dude, I'm messing with you. You told me that story a few years ago and forgot."
I had him going though.
The story pretty much ends there. We had a good laugh. He let the relief wash over him. I think he might have said "good one" at some point. I might have told him there's no such thing as Freddy at some point.
LET ME GET MY CRYSTAL BALL.[rebelmouse-image 18345775 is_animated_gif=
My dad was drinking at a bar and talking to the owner (who was really drunk) and the owner was telling my dad his plans for the future. Just basic stuff like how he wanted to move to Arizona and open a bar there, etc.
Anyway a few months later my father was in the same bar and there was a psychic there reading fortunes and shit. My dad declined to have his fortune read saying that he didn't want to because he was a psychic himself. So he proceeded to recount all the owners future plans back to him. The owner was shocked and agreed that everything my dad said was true. The psychic gazed deep into my fathers eyes and after a few seconds proclaimed "You have the gift." My dad didn't reveal his method and probably milked it for a few free beers.
I REMEMBER YOU FROM MY PREVIOUS LIFE.[rebelmouse-image 18346458 is_animated_gif=
My favorite was a regular who came up to the bar for a glass of red wine. At this point he was not yet a regular, it was his first time here. I poured the elderly man a nice glass of pinot noir, told him a little about the wine and the history of the building the bar is in (built in 1604!) cause he seemed interested in it. He was.
We chat a little and he is overall a pleasant, but quirky, old man. At one point he looks at me and says _"You must know, I have a gift. I can read people's past. Not their current past, but previous lives. I can't do it with everyone, but I am getting strong signals from your past. Would you like to know yours?" _We're now joined by another regular of mine, a girl I was actually trying to get with at the time, but the saaaadly never happend.
I pour the man another glass, pour myself one too because this is about to get good. He tells me what he sees and feels in my past lives. There is one live he can see very clearly, but it's a bit shocking he says. I tell him to go on. The girl is asking all kind off "in your face" questions, she's being a little annoying honestly. The old man ignores them or answers them if she can and tells me about this previous life I lived. He tells me I was an Irish boy (I have a big red beard, go figure!) and that my family and I feld Ireland during the famine. We got on a boat to new york, my mom died on the boat and I joined a gang in new york. I eventually die in a gang fight with a rival gang. Sounds familiar, right? Well, when the man went to the bathroom I checked and indeed, "Gangs of New York" was on cable the night before.
The man comes back and the girl and I play along. He tells me some more details about the movie, I mean, my previous life. I go along with his until he stops talking about it. Then the girl turns to him and asks "And me? Can you see my previous life?" He looks at her, takes a sip of his wine and says "Yes. Yes, you were a monkey".
CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET...[rebelmouse-image 18977522 is_animated_gif=
I once had a military guy, probably about 26 who was a regular at the bar I worked at last year. He would come in alone to chat with my coworker and I and seemed pretty lonely; this bar was in a smaller town with not a great scene or much military presence. Anyway one slow night he comes in right before I am about to close and asks me for a whiskey sour. I make it for him but before I can even give it to him he looks up at me with the saddest face and says "I have something to confess. I take steroids." I was pretty speechless so I said "uh, at least it isn't heroin?" And on the next breath he goes_"I take them up my butt. I've never told anyone that." _And slumps down in his chair. I have no idea if he had a bad sexual encounter or if the weight of his use was just too much to keep private anymore, but I honestly felt bad for the guy. Wonder where he ended up.
EXCUSE ME... I NEED TO MAKE A PHONE CALL. HELLO... 9-1-1...[rebelmouse-image 18358528 is_animated_gif=
I have had so many bizarre people walk into the bar I work at. It's a really small place that people enjoy drinking quietly at. Over the years I've had a range of odd topics from a restaurant owner admitting he never sold fresh food to people unless they knew him.
Lots of people end up talking about how they have no one to talk to about their problems so I guess they find comfort telling a stranger who doesn't have an obligation to care.
GENTLEMEN.... TIME'S UP!!![rebelmouse-image 18977524 is_animated_gif=
I have two favorite stories :
The first one is one time while I was working my husband stopped by to visit me and he was flirting big time. The guy next to him who was plastered leaned over and attempted to whisper but ended up shouting "she definitely wants to go home with you but I don't know if you noticed she is wearing a wedding ring, tread lightly" my husband started laughing and said "well she is my wife so I hope she wants to come home with me"
My second favorite story was when this girl came in with this guy, the whole time he was this sleazy a-hole to her constantly putting her down and touching her inappropriately even though she constantly told him to stop. Later he went to the restroom and she admitted this was their first date and she didn't know what to do. She was really scared. Then she went to the bathroom just to get away for awhile. When the guy came back he poured something into her drink thinking no one saw. Right as she was coming back I picked up her drink and dumped it on his head and told the bouncer what happened. I have never seen the bouncer happier than when he literally picked this guy up and threw him out. The girl and I are now best friends.
I'LL TELL YOU WHOSE ABOUT TOGET PUNCHED SIR![rebelmouse-image 18977526 is_animated_gif=
5'3" Waitress here - a man at least 250 lbs and 6'2" told me he'd punch me in the face if I didn't get him a to-go cup for his Long island iced tea he asked for after I told him it was illegal. So there's that.
DRUNKS ARE FIESTY FOR SURE![rebelmouse-image 18977527 is_animated_gif=
Man so many to choose from here I'll give a few of my favorites. The time this woman was talking to me and started to complain about her boyfriends penis, he was sitting next to her she didn't notice.
The time some drunk guy gave me an I.d. That was obviously fake, I denied him and he said "No it's fake it's fine."
Extra story when I was a cocktail I actually got knocked out by a drunk guy who tried to punch another guy but was so drunk he missed wide right and made contact with me. When I came too he was on the ground by the bouncer and apologizing to me, I felt bad for that guy.
SOMETIMES YOU NEED A CONFESSIONAL NOT A BAR.[rebelmouse-image 18977528 is_animated_gif=
Regular, quiet fellow. Usually stayed for one or two pints and then headed out. It was several weeks before he opened up.
He wasn't hammered when he told me, it was really just conversation. Buddy had killed a guy while driving under the influence. He started coming to my bar after he finished his prison sentence.
He seemed pretty damn choked up about it, I always wonder how he's doing. I got out of the business though, lost touch with the regulars.
CRYING IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL.[rebelmouse-image 18977529 is_animated_gif=
I'm a bartender/waiter at a restaurant in Puerto Rico. After Hurricane Irma the owner bought a huge power generator so we wouldn't go out of business. We were fine for a few days before we got our butts kicked by Hurricane María. I was able to get back to work 5 days after the María hit and I have never had such an emotional day at work. I worked for 12 hours straight selling bottled water and sodas due to the dry law.
After about maybe the 8th straight hour working the place started to empty due to the curfew. There was military enforcing people to go home before nightfall. I was cleaning up the place when an older gentleman, Vietnam vet and coincidentally a die-hard Steelers fan (just like me) came over for a whiskey sour. At first I told him I couldn't sell it to him because of the dry law and I could get in really big trouble. Turns out he's friends with all the military surrounding the area and he had permission for one drink.
I served him the drink and he just straight up asks me "How are you, man? How's your family?"
That destroyed me. I hadn't seen my parents in days. Had no cell signal so I couldn't call them. I had just moved in with my GF and after the storm she had to stay with her mom because she lived closer to her job. I was incredibly alone and felt hopeless. I just started crying and talking to the guy and eventually calmed down but hooooly crap I needed a good cry.
EVERYBODY NEEDS A FRIEND.[rebelmouse-image 18346705 is_animated_gif=
All of the things that they would tell anyone else, if they had anyone else. Got a lot of mentally ill and downtrodden folk sitting in front of me just to have a chat. Took me a while to realize that I'm the only person a lot of them ever talk to in a week.
WHATEVER... JUST SHOW ME THE $$$$$[rebelmouse-image 18348484 is_animated_gif=
I was a paid designated driver and i have a ton of stories.
i used to drive to people to the big city and take them to strip clubs and such way before uber. one one trip this guy is flashing a fistful of hundred dollar bills. we are at the strip club and he's flashing hundreds to the waitresses and tipping singles. i'm the designated driver so basically i get free soda and in a few places wings and such. at the end of the night the guys is supposed to pay me ten bucks, since it's ten bucks a head and there's twelve people in the van. he's like well i'm outta singles here's one of the hundred dollar bills. the next morning he shows up asks me if he gave me one of the hundreds. i look at him and i say you told me not to say anything about last night.
JERRY. JERRY. YOU SHOULD WRITE THIS STUFF DOWN TO KEEP TRACK.[rebelmouse-image 18348745 is_animated_gif=
There's a regular at my job, Jerry, who is also our locksmith. He's a mess. He likes the daytime bartender best but he's known to come in around noon and not leave until midnight or later. He's also prone to lying and forgetting what lies he's told us. We all swap Jerry stories about the ridiculous things he insists are true. Some of my favorites are:
-He's had rabies (but he got better)
-He's got 8 kids
-He's a gay man (it changes from day to day so our best guess is bisexual)
-He impulsively bought 4 horses
-He sold all 4 horses less than a week later
-He saw the play Hamilton in high school
-He had AIDS (but he got better)
-He's installed locks on the White House
I'M NOT GOING TO HIT YOU.[rebelmouse-image 18977530 is_animated_gif=
There was this guy at the bar a few weeks ago, he was lonely and his face was completely hazy. He stayed until closure time without saying a single word beside what drink he wanted. Usually I don't but this time I had lot of pity for the man so I offered him the last round (he was the only client left). When it was time for me to go home he asked really politely if I could knock him down and that he will give me 50€. I started laughing but quick after I realized he was serious so I tried to ask what's up and why do he wants me to do this, told him that no money will make me hit an innoncent man. He didn't answer but he thanks me then moved on. I called the police to describe the guy and let them know my fear that he does something stupid to himself. No news from him or police since so I'm sure everything went good that night thankfully.
YES SIR OFFICER.[rebelmouse-image 18977531 is_animated_gif=
Been a bartender for years. Have older ladies trying to pick me up pretty regularly, have dealers slide me 50 dollar bills. Have had people try to fight me because I cut them off or it was last call.
The craziest things is the people I see cheating, or the people that I learn are swingers. I live in a pretty small town so it's weird to see. I've had some bad experiences but I've also had some great ones.
I took social work in college as a stepping stone to get into policing but had kinda given up after not being able to find a job in social work. I was serving some guy at the bar top and suddenly he calls me over and out of nowhere says " you're into policing eh? " I was pretty confused cause I hadn't mentioned it at all and I've never seen this guy. I asked him how he knew he replied _" I've been a cop for 30 years, we know a cop when we see one. " _and this motivated me. I explained my situation and how I couldn't find a job and he gave me a bunch of tips and pointers on how to get into policing and I was just really appreciative.
He was sitting there quiet all night not saying anything till suddenly he bursts into conversation like that. I was pretty confused but he was a great guy.
YOU GOT PROBLEMS DUDE. I KNOW... I'M A DOCTOR.[rebelmouse-image 18345605 is_animated_gif=
I had one guy who claimed to have studied sociology/psychology while in the army, started telling me about how much he knew how much about soldier's brains, and made it clear he was actively analyzing me and testing the reactions of my coworkers. It was very uncomfortable, as I'm already aware of how screwed up I am and complexes I have, but hoped it wasn't that obvious. He did tip me though, so he's definitely far from the worst customer I've ever had.
SEE NO EVIL. NO QUESTIONS.[rebelmouse-image 18977533 is_animated_gif=
Back in the 90s I bartended in a club called the Zone Cafe in Hong Kong. Massive Triad hangout, tons of fights. Closing time was about 4am- anyway this bloke wouldn't leave, in the end he was hauled out by the bouncers. All the staff sit down and have a couple of beers, then we lock up and walk towards the MTR (underground station)- all along the pavement theres splashes of blood (for a good 30 yards). Found the guys body between two parked cars- he'd been chopped probably 20 odd times. We were told he had slept with the girlfriend of a'big brother' in the 14k Triad. Poor guy.
Short of having a shopping addiction, no one actually likes spending money on stuff.
Why would you ever willingly give it away? It's your money!
Which might be why it feels so bad when you have to spend money of something that should be free from the beginning. People/ corporations are going to chase that cheddar, though, so there's little you can do besides complain, which frankly might be the best thing the internet is for.
"What should be free?"
Let's get these out of the way first...No, let's get this first one out of the way first.
Hidden fees are the worst.
Hidden. F***ing. Fees.
"Transaction/processing fees when you order a digital product online. Such as a concert ticket, where you pay 6 euro extra while you pay online, and have to print the ticket yourself."
"Or processing fees to pay bills that you need. Duke energy charges a $7 processing fee for you to pay your energy bill. Like wtf."
Pay To Pee
"Public bathrooms! The amount of human piles of poop around because the homeless have no where to relieve themselves!"
"Live in a very tourist-y part of the U.K., all public toilets charge and most cafes/pubs/libraries won’t let people use their toilets. As someone who lives here year round it’s really frustrating and doesn’t seem to make sense."
Want A Better Society? Educate Them.
"College. Or at the very least, college APPLICATIONS. If you're gonna require it for most careers, atleast make it accessible for people. And I just think it's stupid that people have to pay to get rejected."
"Oh god I hate that so much. Same with applying to apartments it’s such a waste of money if you don’t get approved. It racks up quickly too."
It does feel grimy when "official documentation" that is "mandatory" has to be bought and paid for not by the people requiring it, but by the people needing it.
Forcing Us To Pay For Something We're Forced To Have
"ID cards issued by the government. Especially since you need them for almost every aspect of daily living."
"I'm not the biggest fan of free stuf but having to pay for a piece of paper that says "I exist" is ridiculous."
It'll never not feel bad having to pay for something we expect to be free, but it feels ten times worse when it's something you need to get by in life. As in, need to live.
Let's All Agree To Take Care Of Each Other
"All base needs up to a level. I mean stuff we need to survive, eg. power, water,... and things we are required to use to be relevant in daily life internet,..."
"Seeing how now power companies are fuel companies are having THE biggest profit in years while more and more families are pushed into bigger and bigger deths just to get by."
"Same goes for internet tbh, poor kids are just not getting by in school becasue they lack the basic stuff every other kid has to get further in life. I am not saying they need the fastest possible internet with unlimited dl, but give them so they can work for school so the vicious cycle can be broken."
We Need It More Than Anyone
"All mental health services. If you don’t have benefits or a VERY good paying job, they are unaffordable for how often most people really need them. At $120-160/ session even once a week is not affordable for most people these days"
A Fine Line Between Need And Want
"Drinking water, sure. But water is an expendable resource and it should honestly be more restricted when we think about cases like people watering their lawns."
Paying To Live
"Insulin. People are dying because of greedy pharmaceutical companies."
"But We're 'Pro-Life'" - Jerks
"Birth control of all kinds."
"For anyone who b*tches about spending taxpayer money, I'd ask whether it costs more to provide condoms or to house prisoners."
"Giving birth (In the us)"
"As a female US citizen the more I learn about the whole giving birth sh*t the less I want kids. My friend just had a baby, there were some complications. She is now paying off a 14k hospital bill! The lowest I have hears is 8k. 8k just to have a f-cking kid! For a country that is gung-ho about forcing women to have kids they have missed the mark completely."
Everyone is looking for their payout, and unfortunately sometimes we're the ones who have to give it to them, whether it makes sense or not.
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The worst part of having breasts is Florida.
I didn't even say large breasts. Just breasts, any breasts. Florida and breasts are mortal enemies sworn to battle one another into oblivion until the end of days.
In other states, you and your ladies can live a more peaceful life. Here in Florida, it's A Song of Sweat And Fire Ants.
Ever get tiny little jellyfish stuck under your side-boob? Happens here all the time.
Bikinis should come with a "Sand Lice, Your Titty Crease, And You" informational pamphlet.
Wanna jog? Hope you accounted for the fact that the air is soup and will chafe and cauterize your nipples.
Know what limits your field of vision, making you more likely to accidentally step on a snake and/or gator? Boobs.
Know what slows you down as you try to escape the angry reptile from the above paragraph? Also boobs.
Reddit user Saibotnl1 asked:
"What's the most negative thing about having boobs?"
Now take all this stuff they said sucked, and then put it inside of a steam oven filled with mosquitos. That's Florida.
And Florida is incompatibile with breasts.
Cardio Is HardioGIF by VIASWEATGiphy
"I love them but running can be a nuisance even in a good sports bra."
"When I go to work, there is a woman that usually runs on the shoulder of the road. I gasp at how much her boobs bounce. Isn't that doing damage to tissue? Painful?"
"Yes! I literally always hold mine when going up/down stairs so they dont bounce. Running is uncomfortable even with a good bra :/ "
"If it's a sports bra that holds you, it's so tight that it's impossible to get into or out of without a whole team of people like a pit crew."
"If you can comfortably get into it, it won't hold the girls for long."
"Cardio is just not worth all this."
"As a kid I wasn't fit enough for jump rope, but now that I'm older and have the big boobies it feels even more impossible to ever indulge in."
Literally In The Way
"They get in the way!!"
"Lately I've been getting frustrated with exercise. My personal trainer will say to hold something a certain way and I'll try but it's so uncomfortable because my boobs are completely in the way."
"She has small boobs so she doesn't account for them being in that space right in front of your chest."
"My English teacher in 10th grade was drinking water one day when a few drops landed on his shirt. He then complained about getting older and how he never stuck out far enough to get his shirt wet."
"I just sighed."
"4th grade. 4th grade is when I stuck out too much to avoid drips."
"So very much this."
"I refuse to do mountain climbers when my trainer suggests it, she started to get mad saying it's a great exercise. My retort was that I'd really rather not knee myself in the breasts as part of my workout."
"The lady has small boobs and replied that she had never thought of that!"
"Probably growing them."
"It hurts, and if you get big boobs young and quickly, it’s both physical and social agony."
"It hurts to grow them, first of all, your chest aches and bumping them against anything really hurts - and since they’re a sudden, large addition to your body, you’re ALWAYS bumping them on stuff."
"But the social aspect is worse."
"Your female family members comment on them slyly and smirk at your response."
"Your male friends look at you weird and you have to realize they see you as more sexual than girls with smaller chests, even though you literally cannot control this."
"Other girls can be nasty and jealous."
"Eventually I learned to manage all this and I like having breasts now; but from like 11-16 I was so frustrated and upset that I had developed them at all."
Two Volcanosrachael ray boob sweat GIF by First We Feast: Hot OnesGiphy
"The sweat and itch!"
"Also that they're like two volcanos, which isn't especially practical during summers or when you're a constantly hot temperatured person anyway."
"No matter what I try, the skin under my boobs never cools down!"
"Boob sweat is the bane of my existence when it's even a little bit hot outside - and sometimes even when it's not lol..."
"I hate the feeling of sweat on my boobs. I just put tissue between and underneath my boobs to hopefully absorb the sweat so it won’t start to itch and drip."
"I STILL am not able to remove them after a long day. Why?!"
"Why can't I just set em aside for the night, all done. Why hasn't technology advanced to this possibility yet??"
"Absolutely they would. The relief we would get ... oh my god it sounds divine."
"Maybe I wouldn’t be so b*tchy."
"I’d honestly probably only wear them for ren faire, and leave them at home the rest of the year."
"The double standard of girls with small chests and big chests."
"If you have a big chest no matter what you wear or do it's sexual. But for girls with smaller chests they can get away with crop tops or v necks or even swim suits."
"Lol the bigger girls who spent their entire grade school years getting sent to the principal's office for breaking dress code will agree with you."
"Loose shirts will tent and billow up in the wind as you walk-- dress coded."
"Tight shirts that don't tent but cling to your chest-- dress coded."
"And don't even think about anything but a crew neckline, or you'll be dress coded again."
"I always got in trouble for wearing dresses in school, but skinny Minnie wearing something even worse gets by no problem just because she doesn't fill it out the way I do."
ExpensiveHappy Music Video GIF by DJ MustardGiphy
"Bras are expensive and you need regular bras, sports bras, probably something special like a strapless or low back if you have a special occasion or something."
"And don't even get me started on women's healthcare ..."
"Stage 4 breast cancer patient here, and it costs me about an extra $5000/yr to stay alive if everything goes well."
"I just stopped breastfeeding and none of my bras fit anymore."
"I’ve just been wearing sports bras every day because I don’t even know what cup size I am anymore and I don’t want to spend a fortune replacing all of my bras."
"Plus if you choose not to wear bras for any number of reasons, you’re treated as deviant or an acceptable target of inappropriate attentions."
"Laying on your stomach can be tricky."
"Laying on your back can be tricky as well."
"And on your side."
"Just laying in general with big boobs is a hassle."
"However women in my life have found it difficult to get a decent back massage because of this. I've seen plenty of massage tables with head holes, but none with boob support..."
"Semi-suffocating yourself on the beach while trying to get some sun on your back is fun."
"The fact that I look like a walking refrigerator if I wear a loose fitting top, as it billows shapelessly around my body in an odd fabric rectangle."
"But if I wear something form fitting, I look like a lady of the night and am treated as such."
"OMG this !!"
"I feel like all my girlfriends around me have such a fashion sense and can wear things with such grace but I always look as you’ve described. Like either I look like a couch pillow or Jessica Rabbit."
"Sometimes I just want to cut them off honestly."
"Yeah I’ve been wanting a reduction since a was a teen because of the back pain and catcalling, and many people I know with a bigger chest feel the same way."
"I had no idea women hated their boobs so much! It honestly is shining a light on an idea I have never thought of."
Attempted MurderBlack Woman Breast Cancer Awareness GIF by Know Your GirlsGiphy
"They might try to kill me."
"Breast cancer runs in my family and I have to have my first mammogram this year at 36."
"My mom was negative for both BRCA genes but there are 6 others they’ve discovered since she had cancer that we haven’t been tested for."
"Insurance won’t cover me to test unless she tests positive for one."
"Fun fun fun."
"My mom died from breast cancer at 46. I started getting mammograms at 34."
"Luckily, I took the BRCA test and was negative."
"Constantly being sexualized."
"I’m the least sexual person but people assume I’m super sexual because of my body. And I hate it"
"Yup, I'm ace and I honestly just want them chopped off to be rid of the constant sexualization of my body."
"It makes me really uncomfortable."
"My friend in elementary school had a condition where she went into puberty super early and had large breasts by 3rd grade."
"We would walk together to elementary school every morning and get cat called a lot, but we were too afraid to tell our parents because we thought they wouldn't let us walk together anymore."
"She would have teachers make comments about them."
"When we were older she talked about how insanely awful and alienating it made her feel growing up. Her younger sister had the same condition, but went on puberty blockers for it."
"These pendulous bags of hell have destroyed my back."
"Even a decade after a reduction surgery, I remain in daily pain. And now as an added bonus they get to be misshapen, scarred horribly, and completely useless for raising a baby."
"I didn’t realize how heavy they are until I got together with girl with big boobs and woooooow they are heavy!"
"I got C cups in fifth grade and those f*ckers went all the way to G by senior year."
"My posture was/is awful and I've felt like an old woman since I was a teenager. I don't even want babies, so they're never actually gonna be useful either."
See what I mean?
They're kind of awful once they hit a certain size, and that size is pretty much ANY size if you're in Florida.
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There are humane ways to tell someone to go home after a... liaison.
How can one be so rude after being so intimate?
I'm not saying you have to snuggle and profess love, but damn, a quick... "thanks, I hope life is kind to you" goes a long way.
Redditor sumyungdood wanted to hear the tea about the times they had to tell a lover to take a hike. They asked:
"What is the worst way someones asked you to leave after sex?"
Tell me your worst. Mine our stories where I had find my clothes in the dark and sneak out naked.
A Late RunTom Hanks Running GIFGiphy
"Asked if he could drive my car to the gas station to buy cigarettes and when he came back he told me he left my keys in the car and it was running."
"An old friend invited me over for her famous beef stew. I got there, we fool around, had sex, then right after she handed me a tupperware of the stew and said 'you got sex and stew, now please leave.' Still not sure if that's the worst way I was kicked out or the best."
"Most of the people here didn’t get stew. You did okay!"
'is it that obvious'
"Went home with a girl from the bar. After we had sex, she said something like 'soooo... think you can get an Uber now? If not, I GUESS you can sleep on the couch for a few hours.' Here I was, sitting on some random girl's couch trying to find an Uber at 4 AM. Mercifully I did find one and when the guy picked me up he said 'so, your hookup kick you out?' I said 'is it that obvious' and he replied 'you weren't the first one I drove back to their car tonight and you probably won't be the last.'"
YummyHungry Taco Bell GIFGiphy
"Go grab some Taco Bell. You can eat it on your way home. Honestly it was better than the sex. And I don't even like Taco Bell that much."
I hate Taco Bell. And since reading this... I hate people.
Mrs. Robinson?Seduce Dustin Hoffman GIF by Top 100 Movie Quotes of All TimeGiphy
"She lit a cigarette, then looked at me for like 20 seconds, and said 'Well, bye.' I just got dressed and left. Never saw her again."
And you are?
"While dozing off, he gently tapped my shoulder, and said: 'Maribel, you can’t stay here.'"
"My name is not Maribel."
"See this is what happens when you don’t let people talk about Bruno."
"He got off me and started looking at pictures of other women on Instagram, and commenting on how much more attractive they were than me and told me 'oh yeah you can go now.' We were best friends for like two years up until that moment."
"I’m open minded but this is exactly why I often don’t trust male friendships. You could even be a lesbian and one moment of vulnerability they may take advantage of that. I know it’s unrelated but your experience made me upset and I’m sorry you had to go through that."
"He rolled over, grabbed his phone, and without even looking at me said 'find your clothes, you know where the door is' and just laid there on his phone ignoring me while I gathered my clothes and left. He tried texting me a few days later because he was drunk and horny so I told him 'you know where your hand is' and blocked him."
GrossParis Hilton Reaction GIFGiphy
"We were good friends for a few years before hooking up after a night of drinking."
"Halfway through sex he told me he can't actually do this because he wanted to get back with his ex and can't mess it up because she's the hottest girl he'll ever be with. He lived in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't leave until the morning so he made me sleep on the couch."
Wow. Some people are truly disgusting. How do you treat other humans this way?
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Most couples are inseparable and enjoy doing everything together, thanks in part to shared mutual interests.
But on occasion, some people in relationships go off in pursuit of one-sided pleasures in secret for various reasons.
These can range from going out to a vegan restaurant when the other person is a carnivore to seeing a Netflix show that is too violent for a squeamish significant other.
Because not every significant other may not share the same passion, Redditors TheTinRam asked:
"What’s a guilty pleasure you hide from your significant other?"
These Redditors needed some "me time."
"Everytime I go on a late night grocery run (once or twice a month) because I work nights, and my wife forgot to grab whatever, I add a $0.70 Mexican soda to the cart. It is just for me. It is something my dad used to get me on especially long days when I was a kid 'helping' him on jobsites. It is my tiny reminder of him."
Story For No One
"I write stories for years now, some of the times she thinks I'm working on the computer but I'm actually writing a story. There is nothing to hide but I just keep it to myself, none of my family members know I write stories. Till today I have written 56 stories (most of them are short)."
In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning
"Staying up late for peace and quiet."
Chatting For One
"I talk to myself all the time, I was actually wondering last night if it was a really weird thing to do lol"
Naked And Sacred
"I will cruise the house butt naked and just do whatever the hell I want. About once a month. I won’t be able to this summer because the kids will be back in school, but come August, I’ll be naked and free again!"
Some people need to get out of the house.
"Sometimes I take the long way home and talk to myself in the car about my 'problems' - like Self Therapy. I put one earbud in so ppl think I could be on the phone."
"I get quite animated. It helps to get a stressful day out of my system before I get home and switch gears."
"My husband has gluten sensitivity. If he eats regular pizza, his stomach hurts for a couple of days after."
"Well, I don't, so sometimes I say I'm going for a run, and I do run.... to the pizza store, eat a slice, and run back."
Catching Up With The Boys
"Covid has messed it up for a bit now. But every 3 or so months the boys and I all get up like we are going to work at our respective jobs but instead all call in sick and meet for breakfast, then go back to our one buddies place for the day to hangout. Around 4 or 5 one by one we all head home for our normal arrival time."
"It's literally the only way for us all to get together reliably. Most of us have known each other for the better part of 30 years now, going way back to junior kindergarten for some."
"Twice I have let her know my plan for the day and twice I have gotten phone calls to come home early for what ever not some emergency. So now we do it secretly."
Some of the things people do behind their SO's backs is for endearing reasons.
"I don’t know if this is a guilty pleasure necessarily but I pretend to be asleep when he comes home from work because he always kisses me on the forehead."
"I love when she snores."
"She complains (only lightly) about my snoring all the time, and I always feel awful that I make it tricky for her to get a good night's sleep. When she's snoring, I know she's actually going to rest well, and it makes me happy."
Scent Of A Man
"Smelling his clothes. Not creepily, like his boxers. But when he lets me borrow a shirt or a sweater I’ll put it on and just revel in the smell of him on his clothes. If I recall correctly, it definitely wasn’t like this when we first started dating. It’s been over two years now and I only remember doing this around the 7 month mark. He smells really, really good."
The Forever Admirer
"I have a whole album of 'unflattering' pictures of her. Not really something I hide, but they make me happy. She’s so silly yet so beautiful."
They say that a couple that plays together, stays together.
That's all well and good. However, a significant other having some alone time should never be stigmatized.
My husband and I usually watch every TV show together, but I watch Netflix's Ozark by myself because I enjoy intense dramas, immensely.
It's not a secret. And he's glad I watch the shows that I want to watch on my own time–just like I encourage him to watch all those UFO documentaries that he's obsessed with, by himself.
No really, watch them without me.
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