There's nothing quite like a good joke to brighten your day. Nothing except a bad joke that is so bad it does the same thing. Get ready to laugh and then be in disbelief that you laughed at something so stupid. Then laugh at how you laughed, then laugh at how you're laughing at how you laughed and so on.
A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Did you know cats can jump higher than a house? This is largely due to the cats' powerful hind legs and the fact houses cant jump.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
I come from a mixed race family.
My Mum did 800m, and my Dad's Indian.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
What's brown and rhymes with "snoop?"
What's brown and sticky?
What's brown and runny?
Why did the old woman put roller skates on her Walker?
Because she has dementia
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket. "Hey wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
What do a grape and a rabbit have in common?
They're both purple except for the rabbit
What is Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he never lands.
I love this joke because it never gets old.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Two chickpeas are walking down the street when one chickpea starts to vomit. The other chickpea asks, "Are you okay" and the chickpea answers, "No, I falafel."
A squirrel is relaxing in his tree when it suddenly starts to shake violently. He looks outside and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel says "hey elephant, what are you doing?"
The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"
"You dummy," sayeth the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."
The elephant says "I know, I brought my own!"
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Ye'd think it be "R", but a pirate's first love always be the "C"
You know why when geese fly in a V, one side of the V is longer than the other?
More geese on that side.
Why do elephants wear green tennis shoes?
So they can walk across pool tables without being seen. Have you ever seen an elephant walk across a pool table?
See? It works.
This blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work. She knocks on one door and a handsome older man opens it up.
"Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"
He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.
"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."
"Sure, sounds great!"
The man closes the door, chuckling at what a great deal he's just brokered. Half an hour later, there's another knock at the door. He opens it up and there's the blonde.
"You're finished already?" he asked her incredulously.
"Yeah! It isn't really that big! But I think you should know, that's not a porch. It's a Jaguar!"