Anonymous Pet Owners Share What They Wish They Could Tell Their Pets

Pets make wonderful companions. But no matter how close we are to our pets, there is still a communication barrier. But what if there wasn't?

Reddit user YellowUmbrellaGuy asked "You are given 1 hour to communicate with your pets so that they understand you perfectly and you understand them perfectly. What do you guys talk about?"

Here are pet owners replies.

Preparing for the Inevitable

Hey buddy, there's something I want to discuss, and it's kinda morbid...

dogs live shorter lives than humans. We hate it. If I could choose, I'd have you live just as long as me - animals certainly deserve to more than people (at least in my opinion).

There's going to probably come a day when your body breaks down before mine, and it will tear me apart to say goodbye. But I will do it, and you won't be alone. I promise. We actually allow this dignity much better for you guys than we do for ourselves. With tears in my eyes and you in my arms, you will drift off to sleep, dreaming of all of the happy times we share.

I love that we can chat now, because as much as we "get" each other in every other way, this is one that I never thought we'd be able to talk about, and it's very important to me that you understand.

Without this chat, I'd have to make my best guess on your quality of life, and I'd be making that decision to end your life when you're in pain on my own, not knowing if I have your consent. At least now, you can give it to me, let's work out a signal when things get so bad and you want to sleep.

Anyway, let's not worry about all that today. We still have so much time left, memories to make and places to go. I love ya buddy, you're my best friend. Thank you for bringing so much happiness into my life.

Music to My Ears

I'd talk with my cat about not sleeping inside the grand piano so that he doesn't have to scramble out when I strike the first chord.

100 Pounds

Okay guys listen, barking while I'm pouring you food will help nothing.

If you have to pee sit at the back door and bark.

The train isn't going to murder us.

Stop spinning in a circle and barking at the ground when your collar beeps it means you can't go any further.

I know you're excited when I get home, I am too, but you weigh over 100 pounds and your claws hurt so please don't jump on me.

Other than that, we good homies let's chill.

Selective Sickness

First off, you're both neutered so, please stop trying to bang him. Especially when it's obvious you're the only one having a good time. He shouldn't have to keep hissing at you to get you to stop. At this point it has been established he does not share your enthusiasm.

Second, please stay off my desk, the stove, and the entertainment center. Anywhere else, feel free to climb and explore, so long as you stop chewing on cables. That's a great way to get yourself shocked or worse.

Third, if you're gonna vomit, try and do it on the tile instead of the carpet, makes life easier for everyone.

You are both fantastic boys, and if you can keep to those few things, life will be even smoother sailing.

Mourning

My dog just died recently, so I'd tell him how sorry I was for putting him down but that I saw he was in pain and had a good life. Then I'd tell him how much of a good boy he was and that I still get hit with how much I miss him all the time.

Bunny Love

We just got a second bunny, so I would tell my bun that this is your sister and she really likes you and if you can stop being mean and stomping and hitting her, I promise to give you strawberries everyday.

I would also tell my dog I love him so much and show him the tattoo I have of him. He'd probably love it and want to get one of me.

I would ask them all if they have any comments, questions, or concerns and ask if they are happy.

Early Life

I'd ask them about their lives before we adopted them from a shelter, what were their old homes like, and how did they end up at the shelter? And then I'd want to make sure that they are happy here and that they know they are loved very much!

Ferreting Out the Truth

I'd ask my ferret why he is so cheeky.

I'd ask him to not bite my feet and go to the bathroom outside of his tray and tell him he'd get out more regularly if he didn't.

He'd probably ask for something to be with that isn't his teddy.

I'd ask him how he is with the teddy since he's been snipped and offer my congrats.

He'd then ask me why he was snipped at all.

I'd say it was his previous mum and dad.

He'd ask why he wasn't there anymore.

I'd have no answer and the rest of the hour would be awkward silence.

love, Love, LOVE

With dogs:

"So when family members show up, you don't have to bark."

"Yes, great, I love you."

"And also, if you do a clockwise 360, I'll know you need your water refilled."

"Haha, yes, I love you."

"Btw the vacuum isn't a portal to hell, it just cleans stuff."

"Why would you want things to be clean? Also, I love you."

Temporary

I have cats who hate being moved in a carrier or leaving the house for any reason whether it's to see the vet or to stay with a friend. So I'd tell my cats that being in the carrier is only temporary and that I will be back soon and that I'd never leave them permanently.

And also, it's OK to say hi to strangers. They aren't bad people. No need to hide. They just want to pet you and I know you like that so be a good kitty.

Poisonous Gas

I would ask my dog to leave the room if she was going to fart. Her bum blasts are incredibly potent.

TMI

Why are you so loud when you're licking yourself? I can hear you slurping from the other room sometimes; it's ridiculous.

Checking Up

Mostly I'd just make sure they were happy and that they knew I loved them.

Caviar Dreams and Champagne Wishes

If you start using the toilet then flush it, you can name what you want to eat, within reason.

Good-bye

I'm sorry that your owner and I are breaking up, and I'm sorry that because she's moving to another state that I'll never see you again. You are the best dog and friend a guy could ever have, and if we meet in the afterlife, I will give you all the treats I can. Thank you for the last six years. I love you.

Planning For The Future

I would use the time to develop a better system of communication between us for afterwards, so I don't have to wonder whether he wants out, food, or whatever, he could perform a certain specific action for each.

I would also tell him how much I love and appreciate him.

Speaking His Language

I think I'd just bark at my dog for an hour and SEE HOW HE LIKES IT, DAMMIT!

Dog: "this is great. i feel like we finally understand each other."

Mea Culpa

That he's perfect and I love him to death and if I step on his paw I'm really really sorry.

A Little Less Sass

I'd tell her if she knew it was family or a friend at the door, she did not have to bark. The worst is when I pull up, and she's staring right at me through the garden window, wagging her tail; defensive barking. Like. You see it's me, drop the attitude lady.

"NO STAY OUTSIDE I HAVEN'T FINISHED HIDING THE 'PRESENTS'."

Circular Arguments

Oh god, the time it would take to explain anything to my cat would be more than an hour.

"Why can't I have more food?"

"Because you eat a half pound of meat a day already and are a healthy weight."

"So?"

"Sooo, that's 5% of your body weight and an average healthy cat eats 2-3%. Honestly it's a testament to your diet that you're maintaining such a healthy weight as is."

"Why would I want a healthy weight if it means less food?"

"Well I give you treats."

"Yeah, about those, why don't you give me more?"

"It's so you can be healthy and live a long time."

"I'm here for a good time, not a long time."

Already this conversation is looking to eat up 10-15 minutes and I haven't even gotten to why I can't play with him at 3AM.

"The question isn't why do I do flyby's on your bed at 3am, but instead why are you sleeping then? You see, I'm not sleeping and that is all that matters."

The problem with arguing with the cat is that I think the cat is probably smarter. Like comic book villain smarter.