Anonymous Lawyers Reveal The Most Absurd Arguments They’ve Ever Heard In Court
Anonymous Lawyers Reveal The Most Absurd Arguments They’ve Ever Heard In Court[rebelmouse-image 18345747 is_animated_gif=
Everyone is big and bad until we're in front of a judge. Nobody wants to go to jail now do they? Making excuses for freedom, especially when we're guilty as sin, can truly bring out the creative artist in everyone. And sometimes crazy people are just crazy!!
RedditorKyle4hl**called upon all the legal eagles to share their most outrageous stories of people's courtroom behavior. **
READ THE FINE PRINT.. OR AT LEAST PAY SOMEONE TO.
As a corporate lawyer, the most ridiculous argument I come across almost monthly is as follows: fortune 500 company signs a garbage contract and is going to lose a lot of money due to the plain language of that contract; fortune 500 company argues unconscionability -- specifically that said company was not sophisticated enough to read the contract and no reasonable person would ever agree to the term or terms in dispute.
In sum, multi-billion dollar firms claiming they're incapable of reading contracts.
SMOOTH, VERY SMOOTH...[rebelmouse-image 18345748 is_animated_gif=
Law student, former professors story:
Defendant busted for possession of narcotics, they were in the pocket of his leather jacket. He argues the search was illegal because with his buttery smooth leather jacket, there's no way the officer would have felt the drugs in his pocket during a pat down, so he shouldn't have reached in the pocket to find the drugs in the first place.
Judge asks if the jacket is the one he was currently wearing in court; it was. Judge asks to feel this jacket and the pockets. Defendant hands it to the bailiff. Judge finds more drugs in the pocket. Needless to say, it didn't go well for him.
MY DOG DID IT![rebelmouse-image 18345749 is_animated_gif=
I was a juror, but this was a hell of a defense.
Defendant ran through a red light and crossed against traffic in front of an officer. She was over twice the limit. It wasn't her fault. She had a cut on her arm that her dog licked. The yeast from the dogs saliva entered her blood stream and converted her blood sugar into alcohol.
LOLOLOLOL[rebelmouse-image 18345750 is_animated_gif=
An opposing attorney the other day said I should not cross-examine his witness at a preliminary hearing because it would only hone the witness's testifying skills to be cross-examined at trial. I laughed out loud.
HAVE YOU TRIED A POSTUREPEDIC?[rebelmouse-image 18345751 is_animated_gif=
Oh geez where do I start. I mean I could tell plenty of these about my own clients but I like this one:
A lady has an injury/Comp case. It's for her upper back and of course complex regional pain syndrome.
She decides she needs the insurance company to pay for a special mattress for her. Like a $6000 memory foam, with heat and massage and a thousand other features. And not just a twin, she needs a California King because of course her layabout unemployed boyfriend needs to sleep there too.
We spend months litigating this damn thing. Finally, she buys it herself and my client agrees to give her $1500 just to be done with it. The judge takes myself and opposing counsel aside and says he's gonna kill us if we ever say the word mattress in his court again after wasting all this time. It was that ridiculous.
Not three months go by and the case comes on for another hearing. After exhausting all the chiropractic care allowed under the law, her doctor was seeking a variance to get some additional chiropractic.
We get to court and I'm arguing it should be denied, etc. Judge turns to her and says, "ma'am, why do you feel you need more chiropractic care?"
She pauses for a minute then says, "I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping on my mattress."
I think I saw smoke coming out of his ears.
CHECK THE PRE-NUP.[rebelmouse-image 18345754 is_animated_gif=
In family court hearing a motion for entry of a restraining order for an abusive husband. Husband's lawyer argues that in a marriage, there is implied consent for a certain amount of abuse/violence.
OH DEAR.[rebelmouse-image 18354180 is_animated_gif=
I have a brief encounter (personal injury prospect) :
Old lady slipped & fell on an icy driveway which was not salted or maintained, so she wanted to sue for damages. After hearing the story, turns out the lady fell on her own driveway which she did not salt / maintain. She was wanting to sue herself.
IS THAT IN THE BIBLE?[rebelmouse-image 18977399 is_animated_gif=
Had a pro se litigant argue that she didn't owe the credit card company because Jesus.
The basic argument was that debt is a sin (or maybe not paying the debt was a sin). And Jesus died for all of our sins. Therefore Jesus died to pay off her debt. Brilliant.
WHEN YOU'VE GOT IT, FLAUNT IT![rebelmouse-image 18977401 is_animated_gif=
This is a story that my grandpa always tells, so some of the details are fuzzy but this is the gist of it. My grandpa was a public defender, and this was a defense he used for one of his clients, who was being accused of attempting to break into a car.
How it happened: Man #1 is sitting in his house, and he looks out the window and sees Man #2 next to a car parked in the street. Man #2 is out there fiddling with the car door for like 10 minutes, and so Man #1 realizes he's trying to break into the car and calls the cops. Man #2 runs, and eventually Man #3, my grandpa's client, is picked up nearby because he matched the description of Man #2.
So my grandpa is meeting with his client and telling him what he's accused of. Client asks, "Wait, what kind of car was it?" Grandpa tells him. Client says, "I can prove that it wasn't me." Grandpa: "How?" Client: "You said the guy was out there for 10 minutes -- I can break into that car in less than 20 seconds." Grandpa: "Prove it."
So he finds one of whatever kind of car it was, and the client proceeds to pick the lock in 12 seconds. Grandpa gets the judge out there, and the client does it again for the judge, who makes him do it one more time and then dismisses the case.
SUE FOR YOUR EDUCATION MONEY BACK.[rebelmouse-image 18977402 is_animated_gif=
Several years ago I was doing a civil trial (personal injury), defending a woman who (allegedly) hit a bus matron with her car.
We had offered to concede liability and just try damages (in other words, the jury wouldn't hear the circumstances of how the injury happened, just that we agreed my client caused the injury, and they would only decide the amount of damages - we had evidence that the plaintiff was significantly exaggerating her injuries). The plaintiff's attorney refused to agree to our concession, thinking that if they jury heard the circumstances they'd want to give even more money to punish my client.
So we went to trial on liability. The plaintiff called one witness, her client, who testified that an older woman in a green car hit her. They rested and I moved for a dismissal for failure to prove a case. There was literally no evidence connecting my client to this incident, just an older woman in a green car. The plaintiff never bothered to call my client to the stand.
The attorney told the judge that the bus driver had written down my client's license plate and gave it to the police. They never bothered trying to find the bus driver. The attorney asked if she could just put the police report in and I objected that it was hearsay.
The attorney then actually said "please just let me put this in, I haven't had work in a while and I got retained by a firm to try this case, I really need to win this." Of course I didn't agree, and the judge dismissed the case. I felt a little bad for her but that was maybe the worse presentation of a case I ever saw.
I spoke with the jury afterwards and they all said they hated the plaintiff, didn't believe a word she said, and likely would have found in my favor anyway.
Moral of the story, BE PREPARED IN COURT.
DO YOU HEAR YOU?[rebelmouse-image 18977403 is_animated_gif=
Recovering Small Business/BK Attorney here. Was in Bankruptcy court on a motion of my own, when a very young attorney gets up to argue his position (his request was denied in pre-hearing disposition). Young Attorney ("YA") - Your Honor, I believe your reading of the three cases you have cited is incorrect.
Bankruptcy Court Judge ("BKJ") - You think that, do you?
YA - Yes, your honor. I don't think the Bankruptcy Appellate Panel believed these cases would be used in this fashion, and I think you are misreading the author's scope.
BKJ - Ok. Tell me, as those are BAP opinions - who wrote those opinions?
YA - I'm not sure, your honor. I didn't check.
BKJ - In the future you may want to check those sorts of things - all three cases were authored by the judge you just told didn't understand his own writing.
Court Audience (mostly attorneys) - Collective gasp
YA - Blank stare
BKJ - facepalm Jesus, son. I WROTE THOSE OPINIONS.
YA - Oh. Well I still think they're wrong.
BKJ - Request denied. Get the hell out of my courtroom.
It was, quite possibly, the most awkward type of walk of shame I've ever seen as he gathered his things and left.
HAVE YOU NO COMPASS SIR?[rebelmouse-image 18977405 is_animated_gif=
Not a lawyer, but I was in traffic court and a cab driver had got a ticket for running a red. He argued that it was really difficult to see because the sun was rising (morning) right where the light was. He was traveling west.
ARE YOU A BIRD?[rebelmouse-image 18977407 is_animated_gif=
Hands down the most ridiculous argument I've ever heard was a Constitutionalist, pro se defendant trying to explain why the Court lacked jurisdiction over him.
I was prepared for the standard arguments about "freeman on the land," non-corporate natural person, admiralty court, etc... But this one was different. This particular defendant was part of a Jehovah's Witness compound and happened to be Marshallese-American (i.e. he was black).
After the Court patiently explained to him that it has jurisdiction over all persons in the county, the defendant promptly piped up that, under the Dred Scott decision, he wasn't a person and the Court had no jurisdiction.
YES! YES! YES! YES! YEEEEEEEEEEESSSS![rebelmouse-image 18977408 is_animated_gif=
This came in a deposition, but it's still one of my funniest stories from this old job.
I worked part-time as a paralegal when I was in college. We had this massive case with a lot of people involved that had spun out into a bunch of little side cases. In one of those side cases, this guy was claiming our client had left him threatening voicemails related to the main case, and him and his wife sued for loss of consortium. Loss of consortium, and I swear to you this is a real thing, basically means something happened that is stopping a married couple from having sex, and they want to sue you over it. The guy was claiming that he was so scared from these voicemails that he couldn't sleep with his wife anymore.
Deposition time rolls around, and I'm sitting in the other room, but it's a small office and I can hear everything. My boss starts asking the wife how we're supposed to know that it was our client's fault they stopped having sex. Maybe she's just not as attracted to him anymore. Maybe he's not attracted to her. Maybe they didn't have that much of a sex life to begin with, etc. So this woman starts yelling "I love sex!" and banging her fists on the table. Her lawyers try to calm her down and tell her to stop talking, but she keeps on shouting "I love sex! We used to have sex 2, 3 times a day!"
SOME PEOPLE SHOULDN'T HAVE TONGUES.[rebelmouse-image 18977409 is_animated_gif=
Former assistant state attorney/prosecutor here.
This defendant is called up for arraignment and the judge is telling him that he's been charged with theft for stealing a roll of scratch off tickets from a gas station. The judge informs the defendant that since the value of the tickets was over $300 therefore it's a felony rather than a misdemeanor.
The defendant says to the judge "but your honor, to be fair the tickets were all losers" implying it's not theft at all.
I was amazed at the futility of the argument.
WELL IF YOU HAVE A PRIUS....[rebelmouse-image 18977410 is_animated_gif=
Traffic court, speeding ticket. "Your honor, I didn't speed, and I can prove it with logic."
Lady: "I drive a Prius."
Lady: "That proves I'm responsible. Specifically in the realm of cars. So I obviously wouldn't speed."
She had to pay the ticket.
LET'S JUST COVER ALL THE BASES![rebelmouse-image 18977411 is_animated_gif=
Am a Lawyer! The highlights real-
I wasn't drunk, I was stumbling because I was shot in the Cuba revolution ten years ago. This didn't match up, because we weren't ten year post Cuban revolution. Also, being shot doesn't make you smell of cheap beer
I didn't know heroin was a controlled substance, so having heroin wasn't a crime
I'm an addict so it's okay I had cocaine. I need it as a medication
my designated driver got drunk, so I had to drive drunk.
being prescribed medication and going to a therapist for a diagnosed sex addiction doesn't make you a sex addict
because I'm Irish, there's a presumption I'm drunk (to an Irish-American Da, police officer and judge)
marijuana will be legal soon, so you can't charge me now
I didn't personally sign the constitution, so it doesn't apply to me
And my favorite-
"If I'm arrest ill be violated on probation, so you can't charge me with a crime". Not "you can't" as in please don't, but actually "it would be illegal to do so"
H/T : REDDIT
Reddit user yourlastnames asked: 'what missing persons case is the most confusing / doesn’t add up?'
Content warning: suicide.
There are truly some strange unsolved cases out there, but there's nothing quite like hearing of a person who has vanished as if out of thin air.
While some of these cases have been explained away or even solved, there are some that remain a mystery that truly does not add up, no matter how the puzzle pieces fall.
Curious about these cases, in particular, Redditor yourlastnames asked:
"What missing persons case is the most confusing [to you] or just doesn't add up?"
The Last Ride of Terrance Williams
"Terrance Williams disappeared in 2004. He's the subject of a fascinating podcast called 'The Last Ride.'"
"The short version is that he was taken into custody in Naples, Florida, after being pulled over in the early hours for traffic violations. He was never seen again."
"The deputy that pulled him over tried to conceal the traffic stop even from his own organization, but staff opening a local business saw the whole thing."
"When the sheriff's department finally looked into it, they discovered the deputy was involved in a similar disappearance of a man named Felipe Santos in 2003. To this day the deputy claims no knowledge of Williams's whereabouts, despite being caught out in a series of lies."
Paddy Moriarty and Kellie
"Paddy Moriarty and his dog, Kellie. They went missing in an outback town in Australia with a population of 12 people."
"They were last seen leaving the pub riding his quad bike the one-kilometer distance to his house. He or his dog have never been found and no one has been charged in relation to his disappearance."
Susan Powell and Family
"Susan Powell went missing from her home in West Valley, Utah, on December 6, 2009."
"She is presumably dead. Her husband, Josh, was the main suspect and just a real piece of work. No one knows what really happened to her."
"Sadly in 2012, Josh murdered their kids and committed suicide after Susan’s parents gained custody of the kids."
"This case is so frustrating since his brother and father are both dead too. We’ll never know what happened to Susan, but I’m positive she’s in an old mine shaft somewhere. F**k Josh Powell."
The Last Call from Brandon Swanson
"Brandon Swanson. He drove into a ditch and called his parents for help. They stayed on the phone with him for 47 minutes while they drove around looking for him."
"They heard him say, 'Oh s**t,' and then the phone went silent. They eventually found his car far away from where he said he was but he was never found."
"Reading this was absolutely chilling. It seems at first glance that it's most likely he drowned, but that really doesn't make sense because the water was only 10 feet deep and they would have found the body."
"He just suddenly said, 'OH S**T!' and the phone went silent, but he did not hang up. The phone call continued with total silence from his end. What the f**k happened to him?"
Babysitter Mar Lou Bostwick
"Mary Lou Bostwick. She disappeared July 18, 1972, from Waverly, New York. She was dropped off by her dad to babysit at a friend's house. This was also her 16th birthday. Her mom stopped by later with a cake and presents."
"The people in the apartment told her that Mary never showed up. However, her bag was in the residence. Nothing else was ever found."
"There was another girl around the same age, Sharon Coston, who was abducted and murdered in a nearby town about a year later. October 1983 in Sayre, Pennsylvania."
"There was a man convicted of that, but he always denied doing anything to Mary. One of the people who testified against him and was given immunity was a suspect in Mary's case. Mary's mom thinks there's a connection, but nothing was ever really found."
"I've sadly never seen anyone cover her disappearance on any of the podcasts or YouTube shows."
Derek Seehausen of San Diego
"Derek Seehausen. My friend was dating him at the time of his disappearance, and he was actively planning his future in medicine, and was last seen in San Diego."
"I saw him about two months before he disappeared. Please send any tips."
The Beaumont Children
"The Beaumont Children. Three kids go to the beach, are seen with a mystery man, and never make it back home."
"Never found out who the man was or where they went. Their parents just recently died without ever getting any closure."
Xavier Dupont de Ligonnes
"Xavier Dupont de Ligonnes. The whole family (parents and four kids) went missing overnight in 2011."
"Employers, schools, and the extended family received weird letters informing of their absence or departure (one of them saying they are going into a witness protection program). Two weeks later they found the corpses of the mother, the kids, and the dog hidden behind the house."
"They investigated and retraced the father’s whereabouts in the south of France. He was last seen leaving a hotel a few days before. The region was thoroughly searched, but he was never to be found."
Branson Perry of Skidmore
"Branson Perry, aged 20, disappeared from Skidmore, Missouri in April 2001."
"He was working on his house with a friend, went to the shed to grab some power cords, and was never seen again."
The Incomplete Story of Marshall Iwassa
"Marshall Iwassa. Good guy."
"He came back to his hometown to visit his family and friends, and everything by all accounts was good. He left to take the two-hour drive to where he was living and never made it. Instead, it was recorded he spent the entire night trying to get into his storage unit and then nothing."
"A week or maybe more, his truck was found 12 hours away on a back road in the middle of the woods burnt to a crisp with belongings thrown about everywhere, no sign of Marshal."
"From what I remember, the family was adamant that some of the things inside the truck, burnt or not, were missing, things they knew he had. The truck was even missing parts."
"It's been four years and there's never been answers. It makes me sad and fearful of long travels. From what I know of him, he was a fantastic friend; I hope they get closure one day."
Out Shopping Asha Degree
"She went missing at the age of nine from Shelby, North Carolina, United States. In the early morning hours of February 14, 2000, for reasons unknown, she packed her bookbag, left her family home north of the city, and began walking along nearby North Carolina Highway 18 despite heavy rain and wind."
"Several passing motorists saw her; when one turned around at a point 1.3 miles (2.1 km) from her home and began to approach her, she left the roadside and ran into a wooded area."
"In the morning, her parents discovered her missing from her bedroom. No one has seen her since."
The Vanishing Marion Barter
"Marion Barter here in Australia."
"She boarded a plane overseas in 1997 and changed her name beforehand (didn't tell family). She apparently came back to Australia for a few days (according to passenger records) and completely disappeared."
"It's an ongoing investigation at the moment, there is a podcast about it called, 'The Lady Vanishes,' featuring her daughter."
"It's so tragically fascinating."
The Grieving Bryce Laspisa
"He was driving to his parents' house (three hours) after an argument with his girlfriend, apparently due to his alcohol and video game addiction and abuse of prescription medication."
"Partway through the drive, he pulled off the highway and just sat there… from 9:00 AM to 3:'00 PM."
"A roadside assistance guy checked on him twice and said he seemed fine and coherent, and Bryce told him he would be carrying on back to his parents shortly."
"Sometime later, his car was found only a few miles away, driven off the embankment, and he was nowhere to be found. They never found him."
News Anchor Jodi Huisentruit
"Jodi Huisentruit was a news anchor who disappeared in the early morning in Mason City, Iowa."
"There were signs that she was abducted and the investigation is still ongoing with new leads nearly 30 years later."
Three-Year-Old William Tyrrell
"William Tyrrell. In 2014, the three-year-old boy went missing from his foster grandmother's yard whilst playing with his sister. His foster mother and foster grandmother were apparently watching them play outside, and the foster mother went inside to make a cup of tea."
"They then noticed they hadn’t seen or heard him in a while and searched the house and yard."
"In 2021, police began searching national parkland near the grandmother's home for human remains. They also revealed that the foster mother and grandmother were persons of interest in his presumed death."
"Earlier today, the foster mother pled not guilty to assaulting another foster child that was in her care (a 10-year-old girl). She has also been charged with intimidating and stalking a minor. Her husband has also been charged with the same crimes, but plead not guilty to all counts. The foster grandmother is now dead."
"Basically, police believe that William died whilst in the care of the foster family, and they disposed of his body to cover it up. Police are recommending that the foster parents be charged with perverting the course of justice and interfering with a corpse."
"His photos went viral at the time of the 'disappearance,' and he went missing whilst in a Spiderman costume, and the photo that was distributed was taken minutes before."
These stories are truly haunting, and it's no wonder that Redditors have worried themselves with what might have happened to these missing people.
We can only hope that answers come for at least some of these cases and that their closest loved ones achieve some sense of closure eventually.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
The realization you're getting older can smack you in the face at any given time, and boy-howdy is it fun!
It can be in the morning when you get up out of bed, and your body makes crackling noises, or when you can't seem to keep up at the gym and you cut short your running time on the treadmill.
That's just the physical.
When you suddenly have the epiphany that you're suddenly the oldest one in a group setting, it's humbling.
Curious to hear from strangers online who are no longer the young whipper-snappers they imagined themselves to eternally be, Redditor redmambo_no6 asked:
"Redditors with younger coworkers, what was your 'I’m officially old' moment?"
These moments of realization never get old. But people do.
"My childhood cat lived to 21.5 so teaching (freshman biology lab, so students were ~18) became very weird when I realized my cat was older than my students."
Aging In Reverse
"I'm a preschool teacher. It's been a TRIP to watch parents go from Soooo much older than me, to the same age as me, and now they're younger than me!?!?"
The Shook Pediatrician
"My kids pediatrician was also my husband's pediatrician when he was a kid. He was the first kid she had to come back as a parent and she was SHOOK."
"See, that's what really kinda drives it home for me."
"I'm not bothered that I'm 48. But that means my school friends are 48, and that's weird for some reason. Like, I went to school with a guy who was wild and crazy. That guy is 48 now, and has a new grandbaby. Somehow, he's old, and I'm just 'getting up there '."
Relics of the past don't just pertain to humans.
Dialing It In
"Had a co-worker ask me, 'Back before cell phones, did you just have to wait around at your house for a call?' Uh, yeah, pretty much."
"Reminds me of having to explain the concept of collect calls to my kids. The whole speed speaking where you were for pick up during the recording so your Mama never accepted the collect call."
"Various colleagues were debating whether the Concorde had been real. They couldn’t fathom that supersonic civilian aircraft used to exist and now they don’t anymore."
"The Concorde last flew in 2003, when these colleagues were toddlers."
"We were talking about where we were on 9/11, and my coworker went quiet. He wasn’t even born."
"We also had a band that was famous in the 90s stay at the hotel, and he had no idea who they were, meanwhile I was so star struck as they were my entire childhood!"
Gravity is not our friend, and not just because of its effect on our faces.
The Day It Went Downhill
"When i fell down the last couple of steps on a stairway. No one pointed and laughed like I expected, instead they helped me up and asked me if I was okay. That’s when I knew."
It's About The Recovery
"F'k. That has to be a bummer."
"You fall. You know you're fine. You feel like an idiot. You get ready to wave to the crowd as they laugh and clap. But then... a hand is placed on your arm and you hear 'that was a big fall, are you ok?' You stay in shock for a moment. Of course, you're fine. Everyone is looking at you. They all have concerned faces. Sh*t. Two weeks later, the soreness finally subsides."
Ice Slip, You Slip, We All Slip
"This happened to me as well....walking my dog the day after a huge snowstorm. There were some rowdy teenage boys having a snowball fight across the street (schools were closed that day, of course). I slipped on the ice, my feet flew over my head and I landed solidly on my backside. As I struggled to get up I braced myself for the laughter and catcalls, but all I heard was "Are you OK Ma'am??' 'Do you need help??' I was in my early 50s and had never felt 'old' until that moment."
Conversations with younger coworkers can be fun.
You can quote lines from your favorite TV shows and talk about the latest CD you bought at Target and brag about your new digital camera that takes better pictures than a smartphone.
And then you can watch the blank expressions on your coworkers' faces because they haven't a clue about what you speak.
Yeah. This has never happened to me...
The art of tattooing has been practiced across the globe since at least Neolithic times, as evidenced by mummified skin, art and the archaeological artifacts.
The oldest tattooed human skin was found on the body of Ötzi the Iceman from between 3370 and 3100 BC.
Tattooed mummies were recovered in almost 50 archaeological digs across the Earth with locations in Greenland, Alaska, Siberia, Mongolia, western China, Egypt, Sudan, the Philippines and the Andes.
But while advancements in tools and inks have opened up endless possibilities for body art, some designs have garnered a bad reputation.
A Redditor asked:
"What tattoo is a red flag?"
Names Are For Relatives Only!
"Your girlfriend’s name tattooed after only 4 weeks of the relationship."
"My younger sister got 'Mrs *boyfriend’s name*' tattooed on her wrist when she was 16 or 17. I think she made a fake birth certificate to get it."
"The boyfriend later broke up with her when she was in rehab."
"Hooked up with a guy who had his own name tattooed on his ribs.
"His own full name. He ended up being a psychopath."
"I've met 3 dudes so far that have their last names tatted on them."
"Two were in the exact same Gothic font (I met them years and thousands of miles apart). One had est.[birth year] underneath it..."
"Both were huge too, one across the chest, the other across his back. Both dudes were massive tools."
"The 3rd guy had it small on his bicep and doesn't like it anymore."
Red Flag, Literally
"My ex husband literally got a red flag tattooed on his wrist."
"I had no idea he did it until I saw it one day. I asked why he got it and he said it was a 'reminder' to himself to not make impulsive, rash decisions."
"He filed for divorce and moved in with his mistress two months later."
"The red flag tattoo was apt as f'k, apparently."
"My daughter's ex had:"
"A ring of thorns on his forehead, like he was trying to look like Jesus"
"A 'not Nazi eagle' that looked exactly like a Nazi eagle on his abdomen"
Sealed With A 💋
"lipstick kiss on the neck"
"My old neighbor had this. One night SWAT showed up..."
"My buddy had this too, he went to prison for [drug] related crimes."
"My old coworker had this too, he got fired for getting high in the freezer."
"Also had a coworker of this ilk, proudly showed videos of him shooting a teddy bear on his couch. In his apartment. Just a grade A bozo."
"I’m sensing a theme here."
Cell Block Special
"I saw a woman at a water park with her toddler."
"She had a tattoo that said 'Trust no b*tches, love no hoes'."
"In my bones, I feel there is no way you could have that tattoo if you haven’t been to prison at least once."
"Chester Cheetah having sex with a Smurf."
"But which Smurf?"
Probably Not a Tribute to Her Father
"I met a lady with a 'Daddy' tattoo on her forehead. My gut told me right away that she was trouble."
"She went on a camping trip with us and mixed alcohol and drugs and went into an abusive rage."
"We ended up having to have the sheriff escort her out of our camp. Total sh*tshow."
It's All About Location, Location, Location
"I mean, come on, if the first warning sign about a forehead tattoo isn't that it's a FOREHEAD TATTOO, there's bigger issues at play here."
"Especially if it literally says 'POOR IMPULSE CONTROL'."
Why So Glum, Chum?
"Joker's smile on the back of the hand."
Take a Bow 🎀
"I’ve never met a girl I liked with bows tattooed on the back of her thighs."
Anti-Heroes, We Hope
"Tattoos of very questionable people….like Eichmann or Jeffrey Dahmer."
"Or a giant back tattoo of Richard Nixon."
"That's oddly specific."
"They're referring to Roger Stone, who, in fact, has a giant back tattoo of Richard Nixon."
~ The-Beer-BaronRichard Nixon GIF by GIPHY NewsGiphy
Why Not a Brand?
"When a girl has a 'Property of (guy's name)'."
"I know a dude that has an odd assortment of Adult Swim characters tattooed on their back, mostly from Aqua Teen."
"They're bad in general, but the worst part is that they're just kinda placed randomly, not in a cohesive group or anything."
"Similar to how you might expect a kid to place stickers on their bedroom door because they weren't sure where else to put them."
~ LolYouFkingLoseraqua teen hunger force GIFGiphy
"That joke is so old, Jesus told it at the Last Supper."
Red Flag, Literally—Part 2
"A Chinese flag tattoo is definitely a red flag."
"A Swiss flag is also a big plus."
"An Austrian flag is a minus though."
"A German flag is a big… um… three colored stripes?"
"This is hard...."
~ Poorly-Drawn-BeagleFlowing China GIFGiphy
Art—including body art—is subjective.
But before you get that ink, you might want to make sure it sends the message you want.
"I shall do by my patients as I would be done by; shall obtain consultation whenever I or they desire; shall include them to the extent they wish in all important decisions; and shall minimize suffering whenever a cure cannot be obtained, understanding that a dignified death is an important goal in everyone's life."
~ English translation of the modern abridged Hippocratic Oath
It is the hope of those seeking medical help that the medical professionals providing it will be just that—professional.
But no profession is immune to bad days, bad attitudes or bad apples.
Reddit user Monsah asked:
"What is the most unprofessional thing a doctor has said to you?"
"I was being treated on week 2 with medication for an ectopic pregnancy—fetus in the fallopian tube, 0% chance for baby, very small chance for myself to live if not taken care of. I was told to go to the ER if I developed severe pain."
"I developed severe pain and went to the ER."
"The doctor on call sat there and tried to casually discuss what kind of pain meds I might like WITH MY HUSBAND as I was writhing in pain on the bed. Husband insists doc should just make a decision and give me the meds now."
"Finally gave me a pain pill and told me no need for an ultrasound, just did some bloodwork for my file. I go home and wait it out with a script for pain meds."
"I told him the pain was severe and could be the tube bursting and he told me that miscarriages just hurt."
"I went into the gyno treating me 2 days later and he took one look at me and booked me for emergency surgery. The tube had burst and I had so much internal bleeding that they had to have a general surgeon assist in the cleanup in my abdomen."
"My bowels were adhering to the broken tube and had to be carefully separated. Later, my doc told me I was very lucky and the moron at the ER should have sent me in to an ultrasound based on the pain alone."
"The blood work was apparently alarming."
"Went back for an IV to the same sh*tty ER a few months after. That same sh*t ER doc checked my abdomen and saw the surgery scars."
"He commented I must have recently had an operation!"
"I told him 'yeah, you misdiagnosed my burst ectopic pregnancy and I had to get emergency surgery at a different hospital'. He didn't say sh*t after that."
"If I had the money, I would sue the a**hole."
"I also had an ectopic several years ago. I had missed my period and suspected being pregnant."
"A week later had severe pain where I couldn’t stand up and walk and wasn’t sure if it was my period coming on. Went to an urgent care and they confirmed I was pregnant but probably having a miscarriage."
"The pain was bad in my side, and I even suspected ectopic—but the male doctor there said miscarriages are painful and he knows what ectopic pain should look like, and that’s definitely not what I have."
"He told me to go home and just basically rest."
"So I believed him, and headed out—a nurse, female, stopped me in the front lobby and strongly insisted I go to the ER. My husband also wouldn’t let me just brush it off and took me in."
"At the ER they did an ultrasound and my entire abdomen was filled with fluid. I had emergency surgery and got really lucky with a rare ectopic that exploded backwards into my peritoneal cavity (called a tubal abortion) and got away without a ruptured ovary."
"The female surgeon said that in her 20 year career she had never seen a case like mine."
"Still sucked, and f'k that first doctor."
"Doctor said that either I cheated or my husband did because that kind of cervical pain was always chlamydia."
"It was an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and resulted in emergency life-saving surgery. But thanks for listening doctor!"
"My personal OB happened to be at the hospital that night and came to tell me the news herself, giving him the angriest look I’ve ever seen in a professional setting."
"I’d been sent by ambulance from our local urgent care to a hospital due to kidney pain and a funny shadow on my xray. Emergency room doctor was insistent 'it must be a STI' despite me having no genital symptoms, and he demanded to do a pelvic exam."
"This doctor aggressively tried to mimic my pain from the inside by jamming his hand up my vag. The nurse chaperone looked embarrassed when I said to the doctor, 'if you’re not careful, you’ll lose your watch up there'."
"He then discharged me from the hospital at 3 am saying he couldn’t find anything wrong with me."
"At 9 am the original urgent care doc called back since she saw I was discharged but my blood tests were back and I was septic."
"My older sister had unbearable GI issues for years growing up."
"Pediatrician told our parents that 'children get tummy aches' and to try peppermint Altoids.
"She ended up having emergency surgery where they had to remove her entire large intestine because it was necrotic and had tumors.
"Permanent colostomy by the time she was 14."
"Both my parents are doctors, a Pediatrician and a Pulmonologist/ICU doc."
"Since 4TH GRADE I’d had very frequent upset stomachs and pain. I was always told 'it can just happen' or 'it’s too hard to figure out'."
"It got to the point where when I had BLEEDING from my intestines I didn’t want to say anything cause I thought I’d be brushed off. This was until I was going into my senior year of high school."
"It flared to the point I couldn’t move and lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks."
"Lo and behold, I had Ulcerative Colitis that was diagnosed within a day of tests it was so bad."
"I had been bleeding for 8 months when my GP told me I 'didn't meet the criteria' for a colonoscopy."
"Finally did get diagnosed with mild ulcerative colitis later on, but that conversation with the GP was the most frustrating part of the whole saga."
"'It can't be colon cancer because you're too young'."
"My brother got cancer at that exact age, as she knew."
"The really f'ked up thing about this one is that it's standard procedure to monitor for colon cancer based on family history."
"Generally guidelines recommend if a first degree family member (mom, dad, brother, sister) had colon cancer before they were elderly, they should start getting screened at an age 10 years younger than when they were diagnosed."
"So that doctor straight up ignored national treatment guidelines."
"My younger sister was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer at 26 (not a typo, that's twenty six.) And it took her a couple of years to convince her doc to order any tests, despite passing blood in her stool."
"I get that she was especially young to have such an advanced case, but I will never not be angry when I read a comment about docs telling folks that they are too young to be checked for colon cancer."
"I took my then 4-year-old daughter to a pediatric gastroenterologist. First he said 'she's just being dramatic'."
"Then he said, 'well, she'll get married some day and be someone else's problem'."
"That was 25 years ago, and it still shocks me!"
"Turned out she had a partial bowel obstruction."
"When I took my then 4-year-old to a pediatric gastroenterologist because she still couldn't control her bowels and clearly had no feeling down there, the specialist told me she was doing it for attention and just didn't 'want to' use the toilet."
"She went on and on about how she'd been in the business for 20 years. When my daughter told her she really wanted to fix the problem so she could go to day camp, the doctor told her she was lying."
"That human turd was in the room when I finally got my daughter tested for bowel insensitivity (I don't remember the official name) and they found out that she did not, in fact, have any feeling in her bowels."
"I looked that b*tch in the face and said, 'Now do you believe us?' She just looked away."
"'You're 27. I don't know what you have to be anxious about'."
"This was in the 1990s."
"When I described my anxiety and depression the doctor said, 'but you aren’t overweight and over thirty!'."
"I was told the same just a few months ago at age 25."
"I replied 'well my mom just died' to which he said 'that’s too bad' and continued on with the exam."
"'That's normal in your line of work. Just ignore it, the pain will go away'."
"I went in for shoulder pain, as my left shoulder would be killing me after a day loading trucks all day. This was an ongoing thing for weeks before I went to get it checked."
"Didn't examine my shoulder. Didn't have any x-rays done, catscans done, MRIs done, nothing. Hell, didn't even have me take my shirt off."
"Turns out that I had a torn rotator cuff."
"Had another doc tell me that the stomach pain that had me pissing myself, throwing up, and passing out was from 'gas'."
"Again, without any type of examination, just listening to the symptoms. Two days later I was dying on the OR table from a necrotic appendix."
A common theme in all these stories are doctors not listening to their patients or their parents.
While a doctor may be a medical expert, they should remember the patient is the expert for their own body.