Image by ivabalk from Pixabay

Animals and humans are more similar than you think. However, what truly sets us apart is how we reproduce. If there's anything that the movie Grease 2 taught me, it's that humans are the only animals capable of controlling their number of offspring. All the other animals--well, they just kinda go with their instincts.

Some of the mating rituals are truly strange. Reddit user Chewy-SourMilk asked:

What is an animal's mating ritual you're glad humans don't have?

​As a woman who is catcalled often, part of me wishes that some of the rituals meant to keep men away could be adapted for humans. Others may not think so.

​Truly a tango with death.

“Scorpion males are smaller than females and are often hunted by them. In order to reproduce the male must lock pincers with the female and then drop a packet of sperm on the ground. He must then maneuver the much larger female over the packet so that she gets the sperm inside of her.

This whole time the female is trying to eat the male who, after his tango with death must run away or become lunch.”


Fairly certain I have seen human men do this.

i'm single love & hip hop GIF by VH1 Giphy

“In 2019 researchers found that the song of the male white bellbird can reach levels of up to 125 decibels. This makes it the loudest bird ever recorded to date, crushing the previous record holder, the screaming piha (which has been recorded up to 116 dB).

The worst/best part (depends on how you look at it) is that it performs at its loudest when the female is on the same branch, screaming right at her, which is enough to even cause hearing damage in the female. Imagine walking into a bar, and just screaming at the top of your lungs, popping the eardrums of every girl in the bar, just to announce that you're single.”


Pretty metal, indeed.

“Anglerfish. Females are humongous compared to males, so rather than doing it the old fashioned way, the male will bite onto the female, his insides will slowly turn to mush, and he eventually fuses with the female, depositing sperm in the process. Pretty metal.”


​Some of the things male animals will do to attract female animals are truly bizarre, and sometimes flat out disgusting. I’m glad most humans don’t do this. Key word: most.

Giraffes are freaks.

“Giraffes- the males repeatedly headbutt the females in the bladder until they piss themselves, then they taste the urine to see if the female is in heat."


Could you imagine if this was standard for human reproduction?​

Angry Tazmanian Devil GIF by Looney Tunes Giphy

“Tasmanian devils. The male holds the female hostage in her own den until she becomes pregnant, which could be days. She does violently chase him from her den after she's pregnant. But I can't imagine those days trapped with him are pleasant.”


“Why does this sound like a bad fanfiction trope?”


That’s gross.

“Hippos sh*t and twirl their tails propeller-style to impress their mates, and if Gloria is interested, she will take a dump on Moto-motos head, which is something I am glad Humans don't do.”


“Most humans don't do*”


​Animal instincts continue to baffle me.

“Moose. They make a ditch, fill it with piss, trample around to make some delicious mud then splash around so it covers their whole body."


I'm sure it's not the only thing Moose have tried over their evolution but it's one last-ditch effort at survival."


Somehow, animal mating rituals are usually just straight-up violent.

Seals are very intense, to say the least.​

Seal Hiccuping GIF Giphy

“Seals, when they hear a couple mating all the male seals nearby will try to join in to the action, during this frenzy males will fight and kill anything in their way including baby seals."


"Hey want to make a baby!?"

"Meh, already have one."

"Not anymore, you don't."


​Definitely the least cute thing about cats.

“I heard boy cats have prickly penises. Like having sex with a cactus, no thanks."


Very happy this isn’t a human ritual.​

“Ferrets. As cute as ferrets are, they have a horrible mating ritual.

Basically, the male ferret (called a hob), has to maul the everliving sh*t out of the female ferret (called a jill) to get her to ovulate.

If humans did this, is would make it a lot easier to avoid accidental pregnancy, but would also make it very obvious when a woman was trying to have a child.

‘Not sure if spousal abuse, or just trying to get pregnant’ would be a common sentiment.”


As complicated as dating for humans is, I'm very grateful that it doesn't require these weird and sometimes violent rituals. Although the next time I'm catcalled, I might have to hunt down the man that did it like scorpions do.

Mating is just awkward across species. But at least human men don't have cactus penises.

Photo by UX Gun on Unsplash

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