Amused People Share The Best Comebacks They've Ever Heard
Whether you call it a comeback, a clapback, a sassback, shade or just being Chrissy Teigen - the ability to respond to things with a witty insult is a skill some people just have in droves. Others don't think of the perfect come back until hours or days later. Some of us never do, no matter how many episodes of Golden Girls we watch. Yeah, Golden Girls. It's a master class, honestly. Those shady ladies were brilliant.
One Reddit user asked:
What is the best comeback you've ever heard?
Being a clapback master doesn't take years of training. Some of the responses here came from kids. It doesn't matter if you're male or female, young or old. When the sass moves through you, it's a moment of pure brilliant beauty. Shine bright like a diamond!
Joke's On You
In tenth grade my friend called a classmate illiterate. He replied, "Joke's on you, I don't know what that means."
I think about that a lot.
Glad You Remember
Comedian: "First time I ever had sex...."
A girl in the crowd: You mean yesterday?
Crowd goes wild with laughter. Comedian waits for everyone to quiet down, then with perfect timing, goes: "Glad you remember"
Crowd goes insane
My grandma was playing bridge with her friends and the subject of age came up. My grandma said she was 63, then the next woman said "A lady doesn't discuss such things", so my grandma said "don't worry dear, I'm sure when I'm your age I won't want to discuss it either..."
Everyone Got In Trouble
Had a friend who was adopted, she was actually a huge bully and made fun of me because my mom worked three jobs and so she was never home. One day she's in bully mode and says:
**"At least my mom loves me enough to stay home and be with me" **
and I clapped back with
**"At least my real mom loved me enough to keep me!" **
She then smacked me. She got in trouble and so did I, but she never made fun of my mom not being home again.
There was this guy at a frat party was dared to whip out his pecker in front of this girl and asked her what it looked like. Without missing a beat she replied:
"A penis, only smaller."
My mother- in- law is 4'11". She once asked a 6'5" co-worker of mine if he played basketball. To which he replied:
"No. Do you play miniature golf?"
When I was 7, I was at a crowded McDonalds near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line waiting to order food and accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids.
She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice:
**"Well excuuuuse me." **
to which my 7 year old self instantly responded:
**"Why, did you fart?" **
A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told out-sassed by a 7 year old. To this day, I have no idea why I said it, but I'm really glad I did.
In An Effort To Seem Cool...
Years ago I was out drinking with friends and some people we'd just met, including a guy I was interested in. There was lots of banter flying back and forth. In an effort to seem cool to our new acquaintances I threw a lame, slightly personal insult to my friend across the table, I don't even remember what it was as it was so long ago but probably along the lines of a "your mum" joke.
Despite obviously hearing what I'd said, he looked directly at me and said (in a non-aggressive way)"sorry I couldn't hear you, what was that you said?" Feeling little stupid at this point I repeated it. Once again, louder (and our company was paying attention now) he said "I didn't get it that time either, what did you say?" At that point, the table had fallen silent and with all eyes on me. I felt so small and embarrassed that I just mumbled "never mind" into my drink.
Looking back he clearly knew exactly what he was doing and I've used this tactic since- it's so simple yet effective and guaranteed to make you opponent want the earth to swallow them whole.
The Duck Tattoo
Sophomore year of high school, 1995ish. A close friend of mine had just gotten her first of what would eventually be many tattoos: a rubber ducky on her belly, just beside her navel. We had a church camp thing that weekend, and she tried to keep it covered as much as she could, but she had to keep applying neosporin and such, so we kept ducking out to hallways and spare conference rooms at this massive church so she could take care of business and I would look out for any adults who might yell at her about the tattoo.
So, maybe the fifth time we go out to get her tattoo some air, these girls from another church sneak out and follow us. Picture the cast of "mean girls" - wealthy, snotty, preppy, pretty, and totally up their own butts. They're all blonde, thin as rails, and dressed like a Land's End advertisement. (My friend and I were also skinny blondes, but she dressed grunge and I was into the skater/raver look at the time - a total poser, as I didn't do drugs, but I had a pixie haircut with a green streak in it and wore little boys' polo shirts and enormous pants - not the type these girls thought of as cool).
Anyway, the lead blonde clone walks up to us and asks in her flat valley girl voice, "Oh, my God. Is that a TATTOO?" And my friend goes "yeah," as she's dabbing little spots of blood away and applying ointment. And the girl goes "IS IT REAL?" And my friend goes, "No, it's fake and so is the blood." Blondie catches her sarcasm, amazingly enough, stares hard at my friend's belly for a moment, and asks "What's going to happen when you get fat?"
And without missing a beat or even looking up from what she was doing, my friend said, "I don't know, what happened when YOU got fat?"
The girl was just openmouthed for a second, and then went, "B****," and stalked off with her entourage. But I could tell my friend got to her. She was the comeback goddess. She always knew exactly what to say to level a person who crossed her.
Be careful of the things you know you shouldn't be doing. There is always a chance someone will find out.
No matter how hard anyone tries, sending naughty pictures over the internet or doing the nasty with someone you're not supposed to, could be witnessed by anyone just inconveniently stumbling upon the scene.
Curious to hear about accidental sightings of stealth happenings, Redditor PMForDickGraysonPics asked:
These Redditors happened upon some revealing images involving scantily-clad women.
What Mom Did
"One time I was up late at night scrolling Facebook at the same time as my drunk married mother who was an entire timezone away at the time. She was messaging an old fling from high school while her husband was away at work and was sending him close up pictures of her vagina. How I know this is because she didn't send them via messenger, SHE POSTED THEM ON HER ACTUAL FACEBOOK PAGE. I had to call her in the middle of the night in her zonked out stupor to get her password to delete pictures off her own Facebook page."
"Was fixing an elderly neighbor's laptop that had nudes of his wife on the desktop with the thumbnails at maximum size. It's like he wanted me to see them. I will say though, she had a bangin' bod for a woman in her 70s. I think it's safe to say he thought the same."
The Moaning Woman
"In my high school Spanish class, our teacher had taped (VHS) a telenovela for us to watch. When she put the VHS tape in, there was about .25 seconds of a porno that played...a topless woman moaning. Out of a class of around 30 kids, only about 5 of us looked around at each other and locked eyes with a 'did anyone else just see that?! look. Our teacher must have taped over an old porno VHS of hers."
Cheaters And Sex
Spotted: People seeking intimacy with people they aren't supposed to – or in one case, where they shouldn't.
No-So Clandestine Meeting
"Was working at a hotel during college and saw my lab partner get a room with the professor."
"My dad gave me a piece of furniture one time. When I got it home, a post-it note which had been stuck to the bottom floated down to the floor. I picked it up, and in my dad's unmistakable handwriting were various notes about gay personal ads he'd been responding to -- details about the other guys. Their names and ages and sexual interests, the status of their conversations, etc. My dad was, at least I thought, very straight. I put two and two together and realized this piece of furniture was from an apartment he kept briefly while he and my stepmom were on the outs for about a year. None of this bothered me one bit, but I got the distinct impression that my stepmom (an older, very conservative lady) would have NOT been cool with any of this... I let him go to his grave without ever telling him."
"When I was still married, my (then) wife had left her phone on to run to the bathroom while I was in bed, I looked at it for the time, and found it was left open to a secret Gmail account she was using for sending literally hundreds of nudes back and forth between many many dudes. For years. Up to that night while she was fully 6 months pregnant. Mostly original stuff too. I think that hurt more."
"The night I learned my ex gf was cheating, she just got up from the couch to kill a bug and left her phone face up on the couch with Snapchat open. The chat had a picture of her boobs and some sexting replies from the guy. My heart dropped down to my butt. Man, cheaters suck"
"I was hiking in a forest with some friends, and as we continued on the trail, the mound of rocks on our right side opened up to more forest. Myself and one of my friends were leading the other two by a couple of yards, and we both briefly saw a couple having sex several hundred feet into the forest on that right side. My friend and I gave each other that 'did you see that sh*t too?' look. By the time my other friends caught up the couple had split and we couldn't see them anymore. It was like 2pm in broad daylight off of a main road, which was the weirdest part."
The following Redditors shared the things they saw not involving nudity.
"Bout 5 years old woke up to the snow finally starting to melt. Notice a girl 'asleep' in the garden. Went a told my dad, he took one look and told me to go play in my room. Turns out girl had been 'asleep' in our front garden for about 2 weeks buried and frozen under the snow."
"Saw a man crash his motorcycle into the back of a parked car. He flipped over the car hitting his head on the pavement and dying on scene. Firefighters showed up and sprayed his brains and blood down the storm drain. Later found out it was a girls father who I went to middle school with. I was 12."
"Human bones in the bottom of a cenote in the yucatan of Mexico. Dad told me to stfu and not swim in that area anymore."
I didn't necessarily see it with my own eyes but I heard two of my friends going at it behind the backs of their respective significant others.
They probably thought I was passed out. News flash: I wasn't.
I, unfortunately, was sharing a room with them and another friend. He and I woke up to sounds moaning in the bed next to us, and I'm pretty sure our friend wasn't giving her a massage.
In this day and age it can be difficult to flirt. Let's just talk truth. Everyone is trying to navigate a new normal where we try to let someone know... "Hey! I think you're cute!" Without getting the cops called. It can be done. There is a misconception running around that women don't like to be flirted with. That is untrue. Flirting and being a creepy disaster are two different things. Here... let's discuss...
Redditor u/hungary70 wanted to hear from the ladies out there about when they've some cute come ons by asking... Girls of Reddit, what was the best flirting technique someone did to you?
All my ladies will tell you... "Just be respectful!" How hard is that? Don't be handsy, and be able to read the room. And most of all? NO. Is no! It's literally that easy. Everybody likes to flirt. Flirting is fun. Let's see how...
The TubHappy Ice Cream GIF by GIPHY Studios OriginalsGiphy
He brought me a huge tub of my favorite ice cream flavor after hearing that I was having a bad day.
When I was 10 I received a love letter from a boy. It contained a flower inside, and at the bottom of the letter he wrote some cheat codes for Mortal Kombat for me. He knew I was always playing that game on my Sega.
13 Years In
I'm British, and I came over to the States on a temporary work visa, to do "one" ski season with Vail Resorts. I was bartending at an on mountain restaurant, and a couple of snowboarders come in and start talking to me. It came up that I was only there for the season, then one of them says "I'll marry you so you can stay... but we have to go on a date first".
... we just celebrated our 13 year anniversary, and I'm still in Colorado.
Rotted Fruitfruit of the loom GIF by NBAGiphy
"Hey do you want to help me throw fruit at my friends?" - 16 year old boy at summer camp, holding a bunch of oranges, who wanted to meet me. I was also 16 at the time.
The third time we hung out I went to his house. We were both in grad school and were talking in his room but I was exhausted from school and my 2 jobs. I was sitting on his bed and fell asleep. When I woke up he had put a blanket on me and was playing beautifully on the piano. I was so embarrassed cause I had drooled all over his pillow and surprised that he was so kind about the drool and not creepy about me being passed out on his bed.
We've been married for almost 4 years now and been together 8.
Bonus fun fact, his brother didn't believe I existed and accused him of making it up till I met him a year later. I was his first real girlfriend at like 25.
Oh I am feeling butterflies. I thought love was dead. So far, I've been given hope. Love can be born with trust. Tell me more...
Thanks to the Migraine
I was in Chicago on business, got a horrible migraine, and had to cancel a meeting with a man I had met with (for work) the day before. I get really bad migraines, really, really bad. After it was over I had to get a bit of food and something to drink, but it was very late and there was no way I would survive any kind of car/cab ride.
He was the only person I knew in town, so I sent him a text to see if he knew of anything in my area that would be safe/open that late within walking distance. He drove 30 min across town in the middle of the night to walk me to a 24hr restaurant and buy me dinner. I've been with him for 11 years now.
Was riding home with the friends group back in 2008. We stopped to drop off the one guy, and I got out to stretch. I mentioned that the stars were so much more visible up there in the mountains and he said, "Yeah, they're really pretty. Wish I had someone to watch em with."
I'm a sucker for corny guys. We got married the next year and are celebrating 12 years this June.
Happy HalloweenHocus Pocus Wtf GIF by FreeformGiphy
We met at a Halloween house party and when I was going to leave he walked me to the room with all the coats which also happened to be a kids room and he asked me "what color crayon would you like to write your phone number with?" I married him. Celebrated 20 years.
My first boyfriend came into the store where I was working and just straight up told me he had seen me through the window and needed to run home to clean up/put on something nice so he could come back and ask me on a date. It was super endearing :)
Edit to add: he didn't WATCH me through the window lol, just saw me in passing and wanted to ask me out.
This was well before dating apps where you basically had to ask in person. He was within my age range, nice smile and just had a good energy.
Also his secondary flirting technique worked just as well, he brought me a book on our second date because I had mentioned in passing that I loved to read :) he was good at making me feel heard.
Silencedeaf sign language GIFGiphy
Not me but my mum. My mum and dad were set up by a friend of theirs.
My mum is completely deaf, upon being told this before he met her my dad went out and learnt as much sign language as he could before he met her.... my mum doesn't know sign language... adorable and hilarious.
Women are so much better at this. And there is a lot to learn in this thread. I hope y'all gents took some notes. Willing gestures speak far more volumes than money, attitude or status. If you like then put a ring on it!
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There are just too many things we witness throughout life. And there are just some things no human should have to witness. I've lost track on the amount of things I wish I could unsee. Don't you walk away thinking... "Why God? Was that really necessary?" That one moment will almost certainly be one one the moments that you never escape. It's seared into the memory. There when our eyes are open and closed. Awake, asleep, it lingers.Redditor u/Rainbow-Pickel-Squid wanted to hear some stories to get us SHOOK by asking... [NSFW] What's the most f*cked up thing you've seen?
CAUTION!! Going forward, there is some material here not suitable for young eyes. NC-17!!
I'm easy to faint. My knees go weak at the drop of blood, mine or other's. So when I have to witness horrific life moments I try my best to flinch or look away. I just don't have the stomach for it all and my dreams are already rough enough. Let's see what everyone has had to flinch for...
The bruising and swelling of my dad's eyes after being shot in the head during a robbery. He did not make it.
We were at the lake with some friends. We were waiting at the dock for some more people to show up and we're just chilling in our boat. Well another boat came flying in and rammed the boat ramp. I noticed the people inside that boat were trying to lift a person off the floor.
I realized the people were covered in blood so I ran over to help. I jumped in the boat, and there was just pools of blood everywhere. And a dude that had gone face first into then boat propeller. I was 16 and will never forget the sound he was making, like trying to breath. His face was stripped like cut up almost perfectly. His jaw and one of his eyes dangling.
I helped them get him off the boat and onto a towel. Covered in blood, waited for an ambulance to arrive. He ended up dying about 20 min later. Legit didn't sleep for like 2 days. The worst part was there were two little girls in the boat, like maybe 6-8 years old. I can't imagine what trauma it did to them.
In the Fires
I was a firefighter for years and saw a lot, but one thing that still sticks with me is trying to perform CPR on someone who had been shot five + times. With the amount of bright red blood squirting out with every compression, we knew he was going to die but had to try something.
Bodies squished beyond recognition in car wrecks was always tough too, especially since it was often a hit and run or drunk driver in the bad wrecks.
Also, CPR on an infant is something that I never want to be involved in or see again in my life.
No one had noticed him...
Day at the lake...
Alice Lake, north of Vancouver toward Whistler, is a popular place to spend a summer day. There's a beach for those who don't mind chilly water, picnic ground, and a wooden pier. Our whole family was out there for a picnic, as were many others, enjoying Saturday in the woodland park.
Suddenly a man is striding through the the various knots of people: "We're looking for a two-year old boy who's gone missing..." The chatter and laughter stops in seconds; some people head for the forest to see if he's toddled up a trail, others to the parking lot or out in their canoe or boat to scour the shore. Nobody finds him.
Attention turns to the dock, usually crowded but now empty. RCMP members have arrived, and a man who has his diving gear in his car volunteers to search offshore; the distraught parents agree. He is in for less than a minute before his head appears. The cops speak with him. Shortly after, the boy's body is lifted from the swim ladder, covered in a sheet, and carried to a waiting ambulance.
The whole beach goes back to their day, but much subdued, many people visibly upset. Word comes that the boy had wandered through the busy pier and tried to climb down the ladder. He fell backwards, his legs hooking on the lowest rung as he went upside down and drowned.
No one had noticed him.
In the Box
The corpse of a woman who was in a metal box for 50 years.
I work at a cemetery and was helping with an exhumation. This person was in a metal casket. I was fairly new at that point and I had only seen bones so far so I wasn't expecting much different. I suppose the smell and the fact that the senior guys were wearing rain gear on a cloudless day should have clued me in on this being different. We had dug down to the casket, but here was difficulty with getting the casket out of the ground.
It was decided that we would get the doors off, remove the body, then remove the rest of the casket. For whatever reason I was the one told to get in the hole and open the doors to the casket once they were exposed. After ripping on the door to force it open I was met with a few seconds of pure, abject horror as I gazed upon the desiccated, lipless, eyeless face of a woman who was buried 50 years earlier, now 4 feet away from mine.
She still had teeth and hair, her eyes and nose had collapsed, and the rest of her exposed skin was some ghastly mix of yellow, green and blue. The bottom of the casket had a layer of yellow/green fluid that made me unable to swallow any of my saliva for the next hour without feeling the urge to throw up.
I was able to get somewhat over it and helped rig some spinal board thing with some ropes so we could slide it beneath her to lift her out of the hole (which was only 3.5 feet deep or so).
We had to prop up her upper body with a pitchfork to be able to slide the board beneath her, it was surprising how stiff and heavy she was. We got her into a temporary cardboard casket and she was loaded into the van of the coroner/funeral home people. I think the family had bought a mausoleum and that's why she was being transferred. So far that's the only really intact body that I've come across at work, people are usually dirt or bones by the time they can be disinterred.
Ok. I'm already grabbing for my vodka. I mean... helping someone with no face, from a blade propeller? I don't even know where to start. And I really don't want to. I'm taking a deep breath and then I'll try to continue...
On the Inside
Infected coronary bypass wound which ate through the sternum and rib cage, the patient had a hole in her chest and the whole heart, part of the lungs were visible. Disgusting and interesting at the same time.
Do Not Operate
A safety instruction video from where my cousin used to work. it was about how NOT to operate heavy machines. It was a security footage. A guy came up to the machine, he tripped and fell right into it. It started spinning him around, after a few seconds it ripped his legs and arms off, the floor was covered with his organs.
Happened last week. We were at a bar sitting on the patio. Hear a loud screech and then a thump. Someone drunk a-hole had hit a pedestrian going ~50 mph in this tiny, pedestrian friendly street. What makes it really messed up is that the victims legs came flying off. Like all the way off.
Didn't even land near the dude. Cops and ambulance were there real quick and we saw them loading the guy up quite clearly missing important body parts. I keep checking the news and there's been no word about his status.
I used to fix computers back in the 90s. Y'all have no idea how much messed up crap people download. Holy crap the amount of horrific violence I came across is absolutely insane, and a lot of times the stuff wasn't even hidden, they'd save to their desktop or something.
I called the cops every time I saw stuff that was actually illegal, of course, but you can't unsee that horror. It was horrible. It really messed me up.
On the Cam
That one dashcam video where a family are driving along and a pole or a plank of wood or something falls off a wagon in front of them, comes right through the windscreen impaling the mum, instantly killing her. You don't actually see anything though, it's the audio that gets you.
Edit: It was a brick.
I'm glad that's over. I can't continue on the Reddit thread and I wish you all well if you choose to. But I really hope we're all getting therapy. After reading all of that, it's proof all humans need it.
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We often find ourselves having to guess how to make things work and make things fit--in our lives, but also just in our possessions. Will these pants fit me? These shoes?
Will this screw fit my table? Will this charger fit my phone?
If everything was somehow standard, wouldn't it all be so much easier?
Here were some of those answers.
No More Vanity Sizes
Sizes for clothing.
Especially for shoes. How hard would it be to just list the sizes in centimeters (or inches if you're American)?
WHY DO WE USE STANDARD MEASUREMENTS FOR OUR CLOTHES, BUT THEY ARE DIFFERENT SIZES IN DIFFERENT BRANDS???
Calvin Klein's men's slacks: 32'' waist
Bar III men's slacks: 32'' waist
Perry Ellis slacks: 32'' waist
THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT WAIST SIZES. WHYY?!?!?!?!
Ah Yes, Three Chilis
There's a standard for chili heat levels (the Scoville scale), but food manufacturers never use it. Instead, they use a varying number of chili icons which mean nothing at all.
It's always fun going to like a Thai restaurant in Canada and trying to figure out whether the chili icon means Thai spicy or Canadian spicy.
Ah Yes, This Could Kill Me
Household electrical voltages and sockets.
Interestingly enough, there was an attempt: since 1986, there is an international standard socket, IEC 60906-1. However, only South Africa has implemented it so far.
And it is unlikely it will ever be implemented in other countries, as the EU is even advising against it since 2017:
REFIT found that "the harmonisation of plug and socket outlet systems in Europe, by introducing changes in national wiring legislations (would have) important transitional periods (above 75 years)", and that the cost to "replace the old socket-outlets (and the corresponding plugs of the appliances being used)" was estimated at 100 billion Euro, "generating a huge environmental impact, producing some 700 000 tons of electrical waste". REFIT does not recommend harmonising the plugs and socket-outlet systems in Europe.
Can we just get a little consistency here? Please?!
After working in a grocery store, can diameters should only come in a maybe 4 sizes. And they should all stack.
But they don't. They never do.
I feel your pain. I hate those narrow jars and cans that are slightly narrower than 3 wires of the shelf so they tip over if you don't place them perfectly.
A Computer Mouse, Not A Little Baby Mouse
Modern rechargable batteries.
We spent years with standard size batteries. We are now stuck with proprietary batteries which aren't designed to be user replaceable and often dictate the life of the device.
Yes absolutely. I found this fact especially annoying when looking for a mouse. Most of the more expensive mice come with rechargeable batteries, and it seems that modern tech reviewers are claiming this is better than some standard double A.
All Standard, Yet None Standard
I worked in a hardware store long enough to learn that apparently everything is standardized.
"I need window screens."
Okay, what are your dimensions?
"It's a standard size window."
"I'm looking for a replacement ceiling fan."
Okay, do you want small blades, large blades? A modest 30" span or a robust 56"?
"Just standard size."
"Do you think this large, bulky, cumbersome commodity will fit in my vehicle?"
I don't know. How big your truck?
"It's a standard one."
protip: it's a sedan. it's always a sedan.
Welp, Here's Your Problem
Based on years of helping my Dad in his shop, doing bodywork on vehicles - fastenings. Bolts, screws. rivets, clips... the sheer amount of specialized fastenings and required tools is insane. Even the variety of types in single vehicles is excessive.
Not to mention many of them are so cheaply made that there is no reusing them.
So Many Sign Languages
Not necessarily something that should be standardised because it would affect many cultures negatively, but I've always wondered what it would be like if every country just spoke one language. Sign language should probably be standardised, but re-learning sign language for people who use it may be difficult and time-consuming
Perhaps We Need To Rethink Policing
Police responses to missing persons across the nation, and the information requirements for police reports to be filled out with specific and complete information at the first point of contact by the person reporting the missing person, regardless of the age, status, or suspected reason for disappearing.
Police should NEVER be allowed to decide a case isn't valid at the first point of contact.
A Recipe For A Lint Fire
The laundry exhaust receptacle in homes should be centered exactly eighteen inches (45.7cm) from the floor with eighteen inches (or 45.7 cm) of clearance on both sides.
The exhaust duct of a clothes dryer should be in the middle of the back of the machine, and centered eighteen inches/45.7 cm from the floor. The dryer should have adjustable feet to allow for slight errors in measurement.
Once this is done, a laundry dryer can be pushed into the wall and we won't need to craft a length of ducting to connect the two.
Just a little bit of sameness and consistency could really go a long way here.