Kids don't just say the darndest things....
They also DO the darndest things. Chances are you've had to correct a child under your care even though you found what they were doing hilarious. Want to share your funny kid stories? Well, you're in luck, because u/Telefunkin asked Reddit:
Parents, what's the funniest "bad" thing your child did that you had to punish them for while holding back laughter?
Here were some of the answers.
My Little Parakeet
I was driving with my kids in the car and was almost hit by a driver making a very stupid maneuver. I responded by angrily saying "Oh, now look at this f-ing guy." My 3 year old son then continued to repeat that phrase for about a month, any time we were in traffic (Thankfully only in the presence of me). It was hard to correct with a straight face.
The Ants Are Alright
I once caught my youngest son (about 3 at the time) peeing in the corner of his room...right next to the wastebasket and sort of behind a bookshelf. When I asked him why he was doing that when there was a bathroom 10 feet away, he said he was "watering the ants."
Confused about what ants and why, I went over and peeked behind the bookshelf. And I found the ants. And the half donut he'd swiped and shoved back there. Along with various bits of candy, a slice of bread, and most of a chicken nugget. Apparently, he had seen an ant and decided to cultivate his own little ant farm in his room.
It was so absurd that I had a hard time holding it together while explaining to him that the ants would do just fine without feeding them and peeing on them.
I Never Checked There No
Walking through the capital building with my then four year old son when a man on crutches with one amputated leg got into the same elevator as us. My son said, in stage whisper, "Mom, what happened to his leg?"
The man heard him and kindly said that he lost his leg a year ago. My son didn't miss a beat and said "Did you check between the couch cushions? My mom says she always loses sh-t in there."
I was appalled. The man, on the other hand was laughing so hard he was crying.
F U Fenway
My boss has Red Sox season tickets. She gave me a pair so I could bring my then 10 year old son. We ended up on the "dance cam" on the big screen and my sweet baby boy decided to flip Fenway Park the bird.
Children Will Listen
This just happenned a day ago. For reference, ive been recently calling people "turkeys" in the car when my son is there and i need to vent (son is three).
So im picking wife and son up from the beach since parking is expensive. As im trying to turn around on this public street, these two young hellions are on bikes riding too close to my car as im in reverse. I say, "these kids should be more careful or theyre gonna get hit one day."
My son says without a beat, "yeah, they're turkeys."
We were dying for a bit and told him not to say that word. Secretly i was proud he put that one together. It was exactly what i was thinking. Hes a chip off the old block.
Ain't It Good
One morning we awoke to find our 2 year old boy covered head to toe in urine because he had removed his diaper. So while bathing him, our 5 year old girl asked if she could take a bath too. It was a weekday and we were all running very late getting ready for work and trying to get the kids to school on time. We explained to her that there was no time and the only reason he was getting a bath was because he peed his bed. She then went to her room, laid down, peed herself and re-emerged in the bathroom to say "Can I have my bath now?".
I absolutely lost It, laughing uncontrollably. Mom was not so amused. I made pancakes and we all played hooky. We're separated now, and this is still my favorite memory of when things were good. Thanks for this post.
My 4 year old had been raised with the fact that "booty" and "shut up" are bad words. One day he was mad at me, and called me a "booty shut up".
The Sass And The Soap
Not a parent but when I was a kid I cursed and my mom washed my mouth out with soap, my response "mmhm its f-cking delicious"
When Four Year Olds Swear
While watching TV, my 4 year old told us she was "super sorry for being a crazy b****". We explained the bad word, and told her she didn't do anything wrong. Then we laughed about it.
We watch our language at home now.
When my 22yo son was a little dude, the Uncanny X-men was our favorite cartoon. Burger King was putting X-men toys in their kids meals. We went through a drive-thru to get some, but he was too young and they gave him a Snoopy doll. His sister got Wolverine but he got Snoopy and he was piiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. He hucked it out the window and yelled THROW SNOOPY IN THE FIRE. We all still say that sometimes when we're mad. Flight delayed? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Drop the maple syrup? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Find a scratch on the car? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Great mood leveler.
Make Sure They Know What It's Like
When I was little I threw a coin in a wishing well and screamed "I WISH ALL MEN COULD HAVE BOOBIES!" Dad died with laughter.
Putting The Dog In Its Place
My very well fed dog decided on this particular day that all the food in the auto feeder was his. He would eat when he pleased and when he wasn't hungry he would lay down next to it and protect it from being eaten by his sister.
My 3 year old goes up to him and says "get away from your food, you fats!" I was dying. That is what I was thinking but not something I was going to say to him
Life In The South
For parent-teacher conferences one year, we had to make a four-square about our parents and share it with them. One of the instructions was that we had to describe three things that they do. I wrote about my father:
"Dad. Drives a Jeep. Drinks beer. Yells a lot."
Kid's Got Skills
I was a single father who was raising a child while going to college. When my daughter was in kindergarten I picked her up after school and we went to the park. While playing on the jungle gym she farted. I teased her a little chanting "Jordan farted, Jordan farted." She asked me to stop and I did.
Later that evening we were having dinner and I farted. So, of course, she started in right away "daddy farted, daddy farted." But, just at that second, the cat walked into the room and I said "It wasn't me, it was the cat."
So I turned to the cat and asked "Cat, did you fart?" And out of the corner of my mouth I went "meow" and said "See, the cat said it farted."
My daughter looked at me, looked at the cat, looked at me again and said "That's not what the cat said. The cat said 'dad, you're an -sshole.'"
My eyes went WIDE, and before I burst out in laughter I clapped my hands over my mouth and managed to mutter "you know what you need to do" and right away she lowered her head and nodded and went to her bedroom.
I Got This Ma
My son was about 4 when he decided he was going to buckle himself into his carseat with NO HELP. At all.
So I decided to let him give it a go. I sat in the front seat and waited to hear the clicks from the buckles.
I heard "G-ddammit." from the back seat instead.
I turned around. "Excuse me?"
"NUFFIN!" click click
Thankfully You Don't Know What That Is
The other day while I was getting dressed my three-year-old told me I had a cute penis.
I'm a woman.
Not a parent, hopefully soon, but was a preschool teacher for 5 years. Up in the two year old room saying hi and this toddler brushes his teeth and drops his tooth brush. With the response "oh sh-t". The teacher corrected his behavior with "you can't say that!" He then replied "oh f-- I forgot". I walked out dying of laughter.
Kids Love To Swear
Not my kid, but my niece. She just turned three. I was babysitting her recently, and we were playing around in the hallway. She dropped something, and the following conversation took place.
Niece: "What da heck!" waits a second, then "we don't say bad words"
Me: "Yeah, we don't say bad words."
Niece: "Yeah, we don't say 'what the f-ck'!"
I had to remove myself from the room to avoid her seeing me lose my sh-t.
Some Restraint Please
While playing in her pretend kitchen, my 4 year old was rummaging through the cabinets and says "Where the f-ck is my colander?!" Before I can say anything she finds it, sniffs it, looks at her teddy bear and asks "Did you piss in this?" After gathering my composure I discussed the use of "daddy words".