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Men Break Down What Alternate Purpose They'd Pick For Their Penis

It's safe to say most men are obsessed with their penises.

I mean, I get it... I'm a dude, in case you haven't figured it out yet. A penis is a sensitive organ, okay?

Super sensitive. We're bound to be very protective of it.

We know that penises allow us to urinate and that they also play a major role in human reproduction. But suppose they could do much more than that?

Men could truly take over the world—not that they haven't already, but more on that some other time.


Men certainly had plenty to say on this matter after Redditor lawyeratyourservice asked the online community:

"Your penis can now be used for a third purpose, of your choice. What is your newly discovered penis power?"

"That's right..."

"Master key to unlock any lock. That's right, for just $9.95 you can turn any key into a gloryhole."

BreezeAG

This has so many possibilities if you want to be a porn actor.

"It sends out..."

"it sends out an internet connection to my laptop and phone."

fuyungah

Never pay for internet again?

Save money?

This sounds like a win to me.

"Imagine..."

"Periscope. Imagine being able to whip your unit around a corner to check for enemy insurgents."

MrBrisket

There has to be a wonderful, heartwarming buddy comedy about this.

Something about a spy and his penis, perhaps?

"I'd never..."

"Piss gasoline. I’d never have to pay for a tank again."

weinerofyahweh

Okay, this sounds like a great way to piss off–get it?–OPEC and get yourself assassinated.

Well done.

"Family gatherings..."

"Turning mashed potatoes into gold. Family gatherings were never this awkward… or lucrative!"

shiroboi

Thanksgiving will never be the same again, that's for sure.

"I can forcefully..."

"Detachable baton, so I can forcefully dong insolent people about the face and head with it."

PavoRetare

Something about this image is hilarious to me.

But detaching it sounds like the easy part.

What about re-attaching it?

"Taking..."

"Taking the steering wheel while I eat a sandwich."

housemuncher

Ah, a simple man with simple priorities.

Never tear a man away from his sandwich.

"Well..."

"Well, another limb, like an elephant trunk. Can be used to grasp things, turn pages of a book..."

AmuseMe2

This sounds like it would be very useful and fun... until you get a papercut on your penis, that is.

"It can play..."

"It can play music. Probably drums."

ClassofClowns

I think you've just described the musical act of the century.

"As a climber..."

"Penis hooks. As a climber I use heel hooks and toe hooks to keep me on the wall. I want the ultimate no hands no feet rest position on the wall."

Ozo_Zozo

You'd probably get so fit, too.

Just be sure that all those muscles don't go solely to your penis.

Now... it's only fair, gentlemen.

We should probably ask women what they would do if they could give their vaginas a superpower.

It'd be interesting to see how these complement each other, wouldn't you agree?

Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!

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Vegans Who Started Eating Meat Again Share Their Experiences

Reddit user Capital_Brain2676 asked: 'Vegans that started eating meat again, what happened?'

Person about to bite into a burger
Szabo Viktor/Unsplash

Most restaurant menus have caught up with the times to offer plenty of options to patrons with various dietary restrictions.

Vegan dishes tend to be a top priority, with gluten-free options being a close second.

Thanks to these options, groups of family and friends can dine together and not be limited by restaurant choices.

But when there's a sudden break in routine on the next outing, it can be jarring when the vegan in your group suddenly orders prime rib or a juicy burger that is not a plant-based patty.

What the whaaat?

Curious to hear from those who did a dietary 180 after routinely nourishing themselves with food grown from the earth's soil, Capital_Brain2676 asked:

"Vegans that started eating meat again, what happened?"

Some people were told what's good for them.

Point Made

"I know someone who was a vegetarian for 13 years simply because someone told them they couldn't do it. I guess he figured 13 years was enough to prove a point and went back to eating meat after."

– ottersandgoats

"I feel like 2-3 years would be enough though??"

– WebBorn2622

On A Dare

"I knew a girl in college who did that. She was dared in middle school to become a vegetarian and... she just stuck with it. More power to them."

– ComplexWest8790

Some people were left with no choice but to ditch veganism.

Thanks, Mickey Ds

"Got cancer. Ate whatever my body would take without throwing up and that just happened to be chicken nuggets."

– BratS94

When Choices Are Limited

"Homeless and pregnant = eat what I was given."

– anon

"I’ve always wondered this actually. If a homeless vegan eats what they’re given. I’ve given homeless people subs in the past because of veggies, protein, and carbs (all necessary things) and wondered if they would eat it if they’re vegan. I’m sorry you’ve been on that road. I hope things are better for you now."

– Saltwater_Heart

The Saying Goes

"There is a reason for the saying 'beggars can’t be choosers,' you give what you can/have and you can’t always accommodate the person you are giving it to, don’t think too hard about it. Also, hope OP is doing better."

– Reikotsu

Certain medical conditions prevented these Redditors from sticking to their restrictive diets.

Cooking For Two

"I still eat mostly vegetarian food and have done all my life. However my husband was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and coeliac which means that a high fibre/lower iron diet is not an option and a lot of the substitutes aren’t gluten free. More often than not when he has meat I’ll leave it or have the veggie equivalent but there are just not enough hours in the day to make 2 separate lasagnes and sauce etc."

– Chanel-Chic

Troublesome Ailment

"As someone who has UC, that's very cool of you to cook a more UC friendly diet. I dated a woman for 6 months who was a pescatarian. Every time I cooked, it was something we both liked and could eat. Every time she cooked, she focused on what she wanted and it didn't seem to matter whether I could eat it or not. She was nuero divergent and had it in her head that veggies = good regardless of what it did to my insides. For anyone who doesn't know, UC is inflammation due to my immune system attacking the lining of my colon. So it's inflamed (unless you're in remission, which a fair amount of people aren't). Large amounts of fiber makes the food sit there longer and get more packed, which hurts like all hell being tight up against inflamed tissue. And certain ones create gas of an unimaginable magnitude and strength."

"Anyway, a fair amount of the time, I had to order delivery or takeout because otherwise, I would have been farting or sh*tting my brains out overnight. So I appreciate what you've done like you wouldn't believe."

– Wishilikedhugs

Bye Bye Veggies

"My gastroparesis diet led me off my vegan diet as well. I can’t handle legumes, leafy greens, and most vegetables. Hard to be a healthy vegan without any of those."

– Jefauver

When Vegan Ingredients Turn On You

"Yup. Crohn’s Disease ended my 17 year vegetarian stretch. I’m in remission now and don’t eat red meat but I am sensitive to several vegan friendly ingredients like garlic, onions, cauliflower family and now I can avoid them without starving."

–friscodayone

Cooking For A Full House

"Back when COVID had everyone in lockedown, myself and my roommate's family would take turns cooking dinner and it was fine. Then my roommate went on the NOOM diet, her daughter was diagnosed with GERD and couldn't have anything acidic, and her husband was diagnosed with celiac. Oh, and another family member disliked potatoes. I finally had to bow out. It was way too much of a pain in the @ss to cook a meal that met all of those restrictions."

– panda388

Sometimes, you just gotta have meat.

Costco Chicken

"Not my story, but a good friend of mine was vegetarian, very nearly vegan for over 10 years. One day she was in Costco and walked past the rotisserie chickens. Without thinking she put it in her cart. When she got home she stood over the sink and ate it with her bare hands. She had no idea what came over her. Her telling me this story is still one of the funniest things I've ever heard. She is still very plant forward in her eating, but she won't hesitate to order a burger or a steak when she wants it now."

– NotAlwaysGifs

Ravenous

"I went on a weekend backpacking trip with a girl who had been religiously vegan for a few years. It was a pretty physically intense trip, and the last day heading back was in pouring rain the whole way, so by the time we got back to our car, we were absolutely exhausted, filthy, and starving."

"There was only one restaurant anywhere nearby, one of those highway diners. We get there and I notice she's got this kind of crazy look in her eyes. I ask if she's okay, and she just says 'I need a steak.' I laugh, but she goes 'I'm serious. I can't help it. I need a big greasy piece of meat right now or I'm going to die.""

"Sure enough, she orders the biggest steak on the menu, and wolfs it down in minutes, and the crazed look goes away. After that, she went right back to being vegan like nothing had happened. The look in her eyes was a little scary to be honest."

– AxelShoes

Unless it's a matter of life or death, there's no way I can survive being a vegan.

I don't have a strong enough will power to avoid eating meat.

So if that day ever comes when I'm forced to make a major change in my diet that won't include red meat and you're around me all the time, apologies in advance for my perpetual state of being hangry.

Ham, Pie, casserole and gravy on a dinner table.
Photo by Jed Owen on Unsplash

When getting together for dinner with friends, there isn't a more convenient, economical, or (hopefully) fun way to do it than having a potluck.

That way, one person isn't responsible for cooking everything, not to mention cleaning all the dishes afterward.

And everyone can contribute something they love, be it handmade or store-bought.

Of course, the ongoing risk with potluck meals is that one dish proves to be much less popular than others, possibly even going completely untouched all night. Perhaps the only thing worse than a dish going completely untouched is only one person touching it and then warning others to avoid it.

Redditor aquamarinetangerines was eager to hear about the most disgusting dishes people have ever seen or tasted at a potluck, leading them to ask:

"What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever seen someone bring to a potluck?"

Disgusting AND Lazy...

"Has a guy bring in his 'specialty corn'.”

"It was legit canned corn in a crockpot with spices."

"Thing is, he tells us 'ya, my wife took it to her pot luck on Tuesday, they didn’t eat it so I saved it on low in the crockpot and brought it here'.”

"It was Friday."

"Corn was brown."

"Nobody ate it."

"He kept eating it saying it was so good."

"The following Monday his new name at work was Corn Cob Rob."- ComparisonHonest

"She opened a can of tiny shrimp and poured it out, liquid and all, on top of a block of cream cheese."

"That was it. I guess we were supposed to eat it with crackers."- cherrybounce

Happy Fun GIF by Chopt Creative Salad Co.Giphy

Check The Dates...

"My grandmother-in-law."

"Everything she brings."

"The first time was stale cake in a bowl of syrup(?)."

"It was both cake and soup, while also being neither."

"She has meat in her deep freezer older than some of her grandchildren."

"She’s a depression-era cook, so expiration dates don’t apply to medicine, cupboards, or freezers."

"Once she tried to give my daughter (2yo at the time), cough medicine that expire 9 years before she was even born."- dirtandstarsinmyeyes

"We had a potluck today and someone brought some Doritos."

"People started eating them and complaining that they tasted like dirt."

"We looked at the bag and it had a promo for 'Mockingjay part 1'."

"The chips expired in 2014!"

"This was a mixed department pot luck and we haven’t found the person that brought the 9 year old chips."- Chicken_Scented_Fart

Beef In Place Of Walnuts? Makes Perfect Sense...

"Someone made brownies with ground meat in them to a church potluck."

"My vegetarian friend discovered this when she bit into one."

"She was more confused and horrified about their existence than she was upset about eating meat-."

"It was the concept of this abomination itself that was disturbing and baffling."

"I thought she had to be wrong."

"'You haven't had ground beef in years, you don't know what it tastes like anymore, it's probably something else'."

"I tried them."

"It was beef."

"I was disgusted and really, really, really confused."

"Years later, I found out that apparently this was a thing."

"Someone came up with this-- putting beef in brownies-- as a substitute for walnuts for people with nut allergies."

"While this explains it a little, in theory, I'm still confused about why someone would assume that people who can't eat walnuts would prefer to eat ground beef brownies over just regular nut-free brownies."

"My sister reminded me that she was also there for this and she had tried the brownies first, and that they were actually the reason she stopped wanting to come to church."

"'I started doubting the entire establishment', she says."- Unfey

Hungry Pizza GIF by Papa JohnsGiphy

Honest Mistake? Or Adventurous Experiment?

"Someone brought Deviled eggs and instead of sprinkling paprika on them they used cinnamon."- TinyWifeKiki

Veering From The Recipe Doesn't Always Pay Off...

“'Homemade fried chicken'.”

"Which translated to ‘chicken that I covered in pancake batter and breadcrumbs and dropped into a frypan until the outside looked cooked'."

"It wasn’t even seasoned."- Tying_pyrope

Not Everyone Likes Things Spicy...

"An apple pie, but they didn't have apple pie spices, like clove, cinnamon, or nutmeg, and said they used taco seasoning by accident and expected people to eat it."

"I, a dumb b*tch who likes to torture themselves tried it, and promptly tossed it into the trash when they looked away."- jirohen

Hot GIF by GIPHY Studios 2018Giphy

At A Restaurant No Less!

"A Korean-American coworker brought homemade kimchi, but she admittedly didn't know how to make it and just 'winged it'."

"It was fermented wrong and was covered in mold, which she didn't seem to understand was bad."

"The vegetables were basically half liquified and it smelled like dumpster juice."

"The thing is...half of the chefs at work had learned to make kimchi correctly and safely since various different kimchis used to be on the menu before she was hired."

"So we all instantly knew it was wrong and unsafe, but no one wanted to tell her."- No_Pear_2326

Cross Contamination...

"At my previous job, I had a coworker that would frequently cook food because it was his 'passion' and he would bring it in to share with everyone."

"On a few occasions, someone would get ill after, but infrequently enough that people wrote it off as a coincidence."

"This coworker goes out on PTO and asks another coworker to feed his 12 cats while he is gone/scoop the litter boxes."

"Unfortunately, it was discovered the coworker was cooking/serving us food in the same pans he was also sometimes using as litter boxes for his bushel of cats."

"When confronted, he stated he thought this was fine because he washed them after."

"We never ate his food again."- Kitten_spawn

Surprise Ingredients Rarely Pay Off...

"Casserole with a side of roaches."

"Not even kidding."

"They crawled out of the bag she brought her dish in."

"I stopped participating in potlucks after that."- CanUFeelItMrKrabs

new york cockroach GIFGiphy

Yesterday's Delicacies/Today's Atrocities...

"Grandma's Jello salad, made with cottage cheese and celery."- GoatEatingTroll

No two people share the same taste in food, hence why we shouldn't always be hurt or offended if our contribution to a potluck doesn't prove popular.

There's also nothing wrong with choosing to pop by a supermarket instead of preparing something yourself.

As a store-bought lasagna will always go over better than homemade kimchi covered with mold or ground beef brownies...


A young woman dressed in high fashion attire, carries tons of shopping bags
Photo by freestocks

The way people spend money has always fascinated me.

For many years I waited tables.

I worked in high-end, low-end, and all of the in-betweens.

And what would shock me most (besides all of y'all's BAD behavior) was the waste.

The waste of food, but more importantly the waste of money.

How does someone order a $50 steak, only eat half and toss out the rest?

No doggie bag. No leftover.

It must be nice to have that much coin to toss away.

Redditor StalkSmash wanted to discuss everyone's shopping habits, so they asked:

"What is one thing that you flat out just don’t know how people afford?"

Premium liquor choices always stun me.

When a certain friend can just casually order a $30 martini because of the vodka choice, without blinking, I'm stunned.

Jealous first, then stunned.

Stay Home

Hungry Night Court GIF by LaffGiphy

"People who eat exclusively by ordering takeaways or delivery from restaurants. It's mind-bogglingly expensive."

woke_agenda

Secrets

"Secret hidden families. I can barely afford 1."

judgeeveryonesbiznes

"At my last job, a woman told me her (ex)husband had a secret family. She found out when I guess the mortgage company called to ask about some documents for the new house. No idea what he did for work. Wife, two kids, a house, and whatever the bonus family consisted of."

Tomacxo

"My dad did this. He had started a company in another city within the state, as that was where the industry prospects were better. Aaaaaaaand time rolled on past and I guess he missed having family around, just not ours."

luckycaller13

Bad Upkeep

"Eyelash extensions and the upkeep of them."

CollegeFabulous3535

"I got them. They took 2 hours to put on initially and then you have to go back every two weeks to get them filled or you look like you have mange."

"You also have to brush them every single morning or they will point in every direction, and God help you if you have a cold or allergies where your eyes get even slight build-up. You can't just pick any crusty s**t from your eyelashes because the fake ones are glued on and this acts as a stopper so you can't just slide it off your lash."

"I spent so many mornings standing in front of the mirror cleaning and arranging one f**king eyelash at a time. I couldn't deal."

Purple_Chipmunk_

Overpaying

"I still don't know how we afforded daycare. At one point had two kids in daycare for a year before oldest went to kindergarten."

PJ_lyrics

"We have two kids in full-time daycare, the daycare that we go to is slightly below market rate for the area, we're going to pay around 25k this year. Thank God my oldest goes to kindergarten next fall."

"We overpay on our mortgage because we're trying to pay it off quicker, but if we paid the actual loan amount daycare would cost more than our house."

"And let me be clear, my wife and I are the lucky ones. We waited to have a kid until our late 30s, and I was 40 when kid 2 was born. We both have good careers and make good incomes and it's a serious, serious financial stretch for us to be able to afford it, I honestly don't know how other people do it and there's no way I would have been able to afford two kids even 7 or 8 years ago."

topcide

For Fun

Shark Week Ocean GIF by Pudgy PenguinsGiphy

"A boat or RV (or both)?! I can barely afford to exist much less spend all this money on recreation."

Korashime

Boats have always been an issue.

Just remember the Titanic.

Upkeep

Face Botox GIF by Montreux ComedyGiphy

"Women who keep up with nails, lash extensions, Botox etc. That crap is expensive as f**k!"

GingerMeTimberMate

Up in the Air

Flying Music Video GIFGiphy

"First-class airfare... it’s just so overwhelmingly expensive in comparison to regular seats I can’t imagine anyone ever having that amount to spare unless you’re incredibly wealthy."

Fit-Vanilla-3405

International Worth

"International First Class tickets. I'm going to Japan in a month and was thinking of going in style. I got a nice raise and a bit of vacation time saved and wanted to treat myself. Forget it all. $17k was the cheapest I found. Absolutely insane!"

trapNsagan

"Buy economy than wait. They will send emails out to bid on the business and first-class seats that are not sold. Or you can check on the airline's app for seat upgrades closer to the departure date and upgrade cheaper."

brosiedon7

Special Days

"Multiple-family foreign holidays per year. To be clear, I'm not criticizing anyone on this, and I appreciate that if you leave in mainland Europe, it's easier than here (Scotland)."

"I am just genuinely amused/bemused when I see people on their 2/3/4 foreign holiday of the year on social media."

"We went to Portugal last year (Fantastic country, btw). 2 adults 2 kids (the eldest boy was playing in a football tournament), and it was probably £3.5k and that was done cheaply. We don't go into debt for a holiday ever, though."

MelmanCourt

Getting on in Years

"Eldercare. $300 a day is about typical for most states, and it goes up if they need special care (dementia, etc)."

"3/4 of Americans who live to 21 live to 65, of which 2/3 will need long-term care for an average of 3 years. Maybe not all long-term care is nursing level, but some of it is even more expensive -- memory care, etc. Comes out to roughly $150k per person-- and almost double that if you limit it to those who need any at all. Somewhere between a generous down payment and a new house. Who can afford that -- especially after decades not working?"

Opening_Cellist_1093

First-class has always been an intriguing aspect of mine.

But that extra coin can get crazy.

I'll stick to coach.

retro diner interior

Spencer Davis on Unsplash

I have no aesthetic or emotional issues with getting older as it certainly beats the alternative, so I freely admit I have reached a certain age.

It's the age of sound effects when I get up from a chair and asking younger people to pick things up off the floor for me.

It's the age of having to use Urban Dictionary daily to understand messages I get from younger friends and relatives.

But as much as I don’t understand their language, music or hobbies, there's a lot they'll never understand about my childhood and adolescence.

I was reading an article by writer Eric Chilton who pointed out Gen X—the generation born between 1965 and 1980 of which I'm a part—was the last to live in a world without the internet, cellular phones and social media.

And those are only a few examples of the paradigm shifting innovations in our lifetimes.

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