After his speech to the Boy Scouts received universal praise, President Trump continued to inspire Americas youth with an impromptu speech at a 5-year-old girls birthday party.
The President spoke for over three hours, but here are 10 of his most memorable quotes.
Note: this piece is entirely satirical.
1. Its very, very tremendous to be here for your birthday, Stacey. I dont want to talk about politics. Its not a nice business, okay? Believe me. You know who cant stop talking about politics? Crooked Hillary Clinton.
2. I look out and what a crowd! Such a big beautiful - probably 40 people here but theyll say it was like 7, right? The fake media will say that Katie W. didnt come to your party, Stacey. Fake news. Katie W. is here, folks. People say she has a crush on Tyler M. but I dont know. I dont know about that. Maybe CNN will report. I dont know about that.
3. I look out at this crowd and I see so many beautiful babies. Not sad babies, you understand? Not the babies from Twitter. But beautiful, powerful babies. Many of my best supporters are babies. Babies love Trump. I cant — And they — Its just [incoherent]… They love Trump and peek-a-boo. But Peek-a-boo is a distant second, folks.
4. Why did Jeff Sessions recuse himself, Stacey? Thats very un— and I think even my enemies say this— its very wrong and very unfair and well see. People think that I always used to say youre fired, okay? Thats my catch phrase, but its also not. Jeff Sessions is a bad man. Doing a very bad job. Is he fired? Well see. …Hey, is there a bouncy castle at this party?
5. Stacey, I heard you won the macaroni art contest at your kindergarten. Its so — Thats very — And I say this — a lot of people, they dont know I won many, many more states than crooked Hillary. Did you know that? I won over 9,000 counties and Hillary didnt win 1 county. Thats — I mean how can you? — But they try — …Okay, who needs a diaper change? Someone stinks. Its not me, believe me.
6. Blues Clues is fake news, kids. Believe me. Thats how it starts, okay? First they tell you you need to look for clues. Then, youre a Democrat, and you have no borders, and frankly no country. We dont need clues. We already know the truth. We dont need clues. Were Republicans.
7. We all know that Justin T. stole the jaw-breakers out of the loot bags, okay? Lyin Justin. Thats what I call him. He puts down the loot bags and then he lies. Boy I wish — You understand [incoherent]. Back in the old days they really woulda broken his jaw. Frankly, its something Id like to see.
8. Theres a war on Easter. Theyre Trump haters, and theyre Easter Bunny haters, okay? Youre gonna say Merry Easter again, folks. Whats that? Oh, okay. Happy Easter. Whatever you say, youre gonna say it again, believe me. And frankly, theres gonna be chocolate. Theres a war on chocolate. Michelle Obama. Very nasty woman.
9. Were gonna get rid of Obamacare. Its murder. Its a murder law. Its murdering many, many kids just like you. Is that what you want? You dont want that. You dont want murder. Obama and Crooked Hillary are murderers. You get it. We wont let them. We wont let you get murdered. …None of you are sick, right?
10. John McCain has cancer. Its very sad. He was captured in Vietnam. I prefer the POWs who didnt get cancer. But its very sad. He better vote to repeal Obamacare or Ill kill him myself. But its very sad.
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