Parenting is a difficult job and there is NO perfect way. You learn very early on that there is absolute rulebook to avoid the fact that your kids will need a therapist eventually. It's easy to be overly too much. You can't protect them every second. So you have to learn to let go and that is a lesson many parents are unable to acquire. The helicopter parent is an issue. You don't want to suffocate them... or yourself.
Redditor u/Nicho-chan wanted all the grown kids out there to speak up about their parent's way of being "protective" by asking.... Adult children of helicopter parents, how do you deal with them now?
Down my Neck....
The way that I got my mom to chill out on me was to tell her that I wanted to go to a college out of state. That was the moment she realized she wasn't going to be protective of me forever and it took her a long time to accept it.
As of now, she's been a little easier on me, though she still sometimes treats me like a child. If I'm out of state, then I just limit contact with her and don't call home often. I think a lack of contact is the best everyone with helicopter parents can do initially because it's just so refreshing to be by yourself with nobody breathing on your neck after so long. Antique-Dancing
"the bad ones"
GiphyMy brother and I had no free time allowed growing up, just music and homework allowed. Age 30+, my dad has passed away now (he was never the problem) but my mom still does her best to control our lives, inserting herself into situations she doesn't belong, and passive aggressively putting us in situations that she wants to happen. But cutting her off or telling her she's overstepping makes us "the bad ones" in her mind [edited for clarity], so minimal contact and details are all that's on the menu for her from me now. 🤷♂️ My brother doesn't get it though, giving her minute details and then getting annoyed when she thinks she can have a say in how he lives his life. FlyingBike
It grosses me out.
My husband deals with this with his mother. We make decisions as a married couple then later every thing changes after they talk to each other. Even situations dealing with our daughter, like I have no say even when he and I were on the same page before decisions were put into action. He is so desperate to please his mom he turns his back on me. When I confront him he blames me for causing drama or being petty. IDK his mom acts like she is his wife and he lets it happen. It grosses me out. O0oBubblesBubblesO0o
Trackers.
My parents track my location at all times now. (I'm 27) . That way they don't call the cops if I don't pick up within 30 min....which has happened multiple times. frvrlvd
Stop Walking on Eggshells
Unfortunately, the helicopter behavior continued after I got married and had children. Eventually, the only way to gain control was to go no contact.
Edit: Fundamentally it boiled down to a complete lack of respect for boundaries. My happiness, marriage, and ability to be a good parent were all suffering because my mother was still trying to control my life. We tried setting up boundaries, but that only escalated things. I would have gladly gone to family counseling if she agreed, but it was far easier for her to complain to her friends that her children don't speak to her. (Yes, my brother cut her off too.)
I strongly recommend the following books: Stop Walking on Eggshells (by Paul Mason) and Boundaries (by Henry Cloud). I also very strongly recommend counseling. LilacSniffer
Lockdown....
GiphyIt was a nice sense of relief to get out of the house
To put it into perspective here's some of the stuff that was common in my house:
8:30 bedtime
No shooting games allowed, I could only ever play Minecraft with my friends
Could not close doors other than bathroom
Could not LOCK bathroom doors
Could not spend your own money without parents approval first.
Could not play on computer unless they were home (obviously this rule got broken a lot)
No social media at all
The one that got me the most though was until high school we could only have sleepovers at our house and could not go to most birthday parties
Getting out of the house to stay with someone else for a little was an absolute godsend. I love being independent and stupid with my money and being able to play whatever games I want when I want.
So yeah that's kinda what it's like. TomIsInPain
The Reality of It.
- I moved to a different country.
- I do not go back to visit.
- When they come visit they stay in a hotel.
- My husband, who was not raised in an overbearing environment, is always present when they visit. He serves as a reality check and is effective in shutting down misbehavior.
- Im going to have to explain one day that they wont be allowed unsupervised visits with any children I have. Eldrun
Still pretty bad.
Still pretty bad.
I'm 26, married and a mom of 4.
She treats me like a toddler when she visits. Thinks I'm incapable of basic things... like making breakfast or taking care of my kids.
She'll hover over me while I'm changing my kids. Criticizing how well I'm doing.
She tries to go through my clothes and pick out outfits for me to wear. Will literally buy me clothes that look like baby clothes. It's weird.
Have to set some hard boundaries with her. Boobyjuicy
Shut Up!
GiphyMy mother made my bank accounts, insurances, even my mobile phone contract when I was underage and just kept them. (I also think she stole money from me but that's another story). She said I wasn't able to manage this kind of stuff by myself. With the help of my SO I took everything back from her when I was 26. When I visited her she tried to pressure me into stuff again, so I threatened her that I would pack my stuff and leave immediately and that she would never see me or talk to me ever again in her life. These two things were kind of wake-up calls for her. Now she is so afraid that I could really go No Contact that she keeps her stupid mouth shut. Joernoddebossamienau
"Get out"
They tried to ground me after I came back from serving in the Marine Corps. Tried to take the keys to the car I own and prevent me from getting an education.
Told my Mom she can pound dirt and my Dad that if he didn't fix himself and nut up to my overbearing Mom. I'd never talk to the two of them again. Got in my car and drove off was homeless for a minute until I got enough for an apartment.
You'd think that me moving out and being homeless instead of living with them would be the thing that made things click.
No. About a year after my move out. I'd reconnected with my family and agreed to take my mom to her aerobics class one day since her car was in the shop.
Well I drive about ten minutes before she lays into me about my life choices etc. I pulled the car over looked at her and said. "Get out" she looked stunned. I just repeated myself and added "Now."
She got out. I drove off to my apartment played some CSGO and she got her much needed exercise. ill_effexor
Be Verbal!
GiphyThey say things, and I just kind go "mhmmm" like I'm agreeing that I will do those things. BUT never verbally say I will do those things. Ranger_Caitlin
Forget you Dad!
My dad was never a helicopter parent, he was actually the complete opposite. My mom was a super helicopter parent. When I was a sophomore in high school I got grounded from "everything". I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. I had to go to school and come home. I couldn't watch tv unless it was about God. I didn't have a phone, or computer, and couldn't listen to music. For months. It got worse and worse as time went on.
She would give me a curfew randomly one day and it would be different the next day. I would get in trouble for not following a curfew I had no idea existed. She gaslighted me so much that I often felt like I deserved what was happening to me. After going to therapy I am better able to identify her abusive & bipolar tendencies. I'm working on minimizing contact with her. So, whenever she's being a pain in my butt I just tell her to screw off. daykota1234
People Explain Which Conspiracy Theories They Believe Are 100% True | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
NO!!!
I just say ''no'' when i'm told to do something or follow a rule.
I don't give a reason, even when I'm asked why. Its satisfying. SpaceWhale89
Lost Control.
I don't.
I'm not NC with them but I'm absolutely firm on my boundaries and standing up for myself, and I don't let their tantrums sway me.
On the other hand, the pressure does eat at me, but I'll never let them know that. themarajade1
Married In....
GiphyMy parents weren't. But a friend moved to a different state and got engaged and my friend's mom still managed to be a helicopter parent. Visiting at least 3 times a month and contacting either her or her SO constantly. It ruined the engagement because the SO finally had enough because even though my friend was annoyed with her mom as well, she couldn't cut her mom off completely... Idk all the details but it must have been superrr annoying if someone was like "I love you, but forget having in-laws like this." She is now single and has moved back home. It's unfortunate... jxwtf585
Build the Walls.....
Honestly me and my husband are trying to figure this out. My MIL is a total helicopter parent; if one of us (me, my husband, or his brother) doesn't respond to her messages within an hour or two, she'll bombard the other two about where we are/if something happened to us. She freaked out on me when I didn't respond to her after three hours (we were doing a cross-country drive) and accused me of trying to shut her out and said we're never going to be a real family because of the "walls" I've built up around myself. I don't know what to do. My husband won't stand up to her as much as I want him to, but I can't do this for the rest of my life. We have to establish some boundaries, but it's not my mom, so I can't be the one to initiate. Krutoon
"I don't give a crap mom. Go work it out."
I had to be extremely mean and blunt with my mom. I'm a mid-thirties married man, and had to straight up tell her that I have a family and my own life and she needs to go get a hobby or take classes or anything whatsoever that will give her a sense of value because I do not need a goddamn interfering invasive mother any longer.
When she started giving me either the "thats so horrible you'd talk to your mother that way" or the "ohhh no my kids don't need me anymore" I literally flat out had to just say "I don't give a crap mom. Go work it out." I had to be super super mean to her about it. Sometimes parents have to cut their children off, and sometimes children have to cut their parents off. Doesn't make me feel good but I sleep fine. shiddydogs
No Need 4 U!
I ignore them. To be honest it's also because I'm in a different city and have a hectic job. But there was also a period of slowly getting them used to the fact that they would not know and control every detail of my adult life. SocraticAlva
After I turned 21.....
My parents weren't that bad, but they were quite over-protective. After I turned 21, I still wasn't allowed out after dark and all that jazz. Had to let them know where I was going and who I was seeing in case I was murdered. What I did was move to another continent. I talk to them every couple of weeks over Whatsapp voice chat. They try and tell me what to do sometimes and I'm just like "ok" and don't do it. Blinker_Fluid_
Still Going....
GiphyThey still helicopter me, actually now more than ever that I'm 24 and I'm not sure what suddenly turned the dial up. However I'm finally planning on moving out for good this year with my boyfriend. Everytime I bring it up, they don't believe me or they think I'm kidding and say it isn't happening.
Oh well, I did tell them. I guess they'll get a reality check when the time comes and it won't be on me. vivalalina
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Redditor cheerfulspinach wanted to discuss the truth about being cleansed... so they asked:
"What is something people think is a 'healthy option' but actually isn't?"
We all need to research more to define 'healthy.'"
Sneaky, sneaky...
Hold On Waiting GIF by Nature ValleyGiphy"Sugar sneaks it's way into all sorts of 'healthy' foods. Make sure to check the nutrition facts if you are watching for it. I'm looking at you, granola."
cottonfist
Cleanse Crap
"Those stupid juicing detox programs... your body's liver and kidney's naturally detox your body so long as you drink plenty of water. This whole notion that you are detoxing your body with juice is a*inine."
fihiv13853
"The financial director of the WORST place I've ever worked decided to go onto a juice detox. Each tiny bottle was like £5 (this is back in 2016) and his diet was literally 5 of those bottles a day."
"However during work he would get agitated and lacking energy so he'd 'top up' with haribo throughout the day to make sure he didn't collapse. Very freaking healthy."
luv2belis
75 pounds in a year...
"I had a friend in college who believed sub sandwiches were healthy. Like... not specific ones. The Subway health based commercials made her think that anything served in sub form was healthy. She was eating footlong white bread covered in cheese with double bacon and ham sandwiches with extra cheese, extra mayo, extra oil or ranch and whatever else she wanted on them or chicken bacon ranch subs with double cheese and double bacon. Devouring them 2-3 times a day to lose weight."
"She hadn't told anyone she was trying to lose weight but after she gained 75 pounds in a year, some of her friends started asking why she ate so many unhealthy sandwiches every day. Her mind was blown when we told her that sub sandwiches aren't magically healthy just because of the form factor."
SadLaser
Bad Rep
"Smoothies from smoothie shops They use sorbets, ice creams, and juices with an insane amount of sugar in them. My sister worked at a smoothie shop, and people would always come in after going to the gym. It’s not what most people think it is."
wekig10581
"Depends on the smoothie but yes most of those mainstream chains are like that."
iast68
Options
"'Low-fat' or 'fat-free' options. These products often have added sugars and other unhealthy additives to compensate for the lack of fat. In some cases, these options may actually be worse for you than the full-fat versions."
Appropriate-Land9451
"And not to mention they STILL taste worse than the full fat versions. Lowfat yogurt is the bane of my existence."
fallout_koi
Low does not mean no.
Smell the flowers...
"Vaginal washes on a daily basis so it smells like lavender instead of what vaginas are supposed to smell like. It's unnecessary and changes your pH down there and pre disposes you to infections."
fihiv13853
Take a Brake
"I think a lot of Millennials and Gen Zers are beginning to catch on to how bad it can potentially be, but I think dedicating your life just to work is really unhealthy. I mean fair enough if you have a job you really enjoy, but even so if you dedicate almost every waking moment to your job there's a problem generally. Its not a great attitude, live to work."
sopica8678
Buying into the system...
"Toxic positivity. The people who tell you that you need to love yourself regardless of whatever debilitating disability or mental condition you have that makes doing so near impossible Or the people who, whenever you try to reach out, immediately try to downplay your problems (you don’t hate your body, society just MAKES you buy more products/your not depressed, society sucks)."
"People who try to take what you say about yourself and twist it beyond recognition into some pseudo-'woke‘ actually society is the problem’ bulls**t and passively blame you for not waking up farting rainbows because actually everything you’ve ever disliked about yourself was created by 3 white dudes 200 years ago therefore making any doubt you have just ‘buying into the system.'"
LavaRoseKinnie
Muffins
"Honestly, a lot of whether or not something is healthy or unhealthy (especially in the context of weight loss) depends on the specific person."
"For example, I have to avoid eating nuts as a snack because they're extremely calorie dense while not being at all filling to me and hence I can overeat them really easily without thinking about them without any benefits of affecting my hunger level."
"But for someone who doesn't have my issue with snacking foods, a handful of nuts as a snack would absolutely be a great part of a balanced diet."
"On a more general level though, muffins. Most muffins you can buy are basically cupcakes but people treat muffins like a diet food."
badgersprite
Be Calm
Relaxing Chill Out GIF by Talk StoopGiphy"Not getting angry. Holding in your negative emotions not only increases your cortisol stress levels, it also prevents you from opening up about the things that are holding you back."
"If you learn how to talk things out and express frustration before things boil over, you just might find that your relationships are more honest and fulfilling."
GoddessLeVianFoxx
Being healthy is all a state of mind.
Anything you'd like to add to this list? Let us know in the comments below.
Redditor Isingsongstomycats wanted to hear about what can completely make us regret speaking to another person, so they asked:
"What instantly ruins a conversation for you?"
I'm ornery. Anything and everything can turn me off.
Blocked
honey boo boo phone GIF by RealityTVGIFsGiphy"Getting their phone out for no reason mid conversation."
Expensive_Pie_6943
"Sometimes I want to look up something pertinent to the conversation but I don't want to interrupt them to say that. Now when someone checks their notification mid conversation, that really burns me."
cutelyaware
Up & Up
"When someone feels the need to one up you on everything you say."
Apprehensive_Gap_368
"Had a coworker like this once, his one upping was so bad we would test it. Best one was a guy talking about catching a shark on a pole at the beach. He interrupted with the time he swam out a mile and got attacked by a shark and beat it and swam back with it."
Mess_Bubbly
Rude
"When they start saying nasty things about people they barely know."
WeirdShyKitten
"I have family like this. I once heard them go on on this rant about how the new waitress at their local coffee shop is fat and ugly. They made a thousands assumptions about this woman that included criticism to her service."
18062022
"Or start sh*t talking someone the second they leave the room. My dad's sisters do that, I was stuck in my parents house alone with them and I would get so paranoid every time I left the room. If they do that to each other, I can’t image the crap they talk about me."
vicki_chicki
War of Words
"When they ask for your opinion or talking about something fully subjective and then tell you how you are objectively wrong or get offended by you nor agreeing."
Prize_Interaction931
"Similar, but not quite the same: my old roommate would correct me on things that were objective, and not like facts."
"Like I mentioned it was hard for my folks to get a mortgage because they were self employed and he correct me that it wasn't. He wouldn't believe the story i was telling and told me what he thought might have happened with no knowledge on the subject."
"Needless to say I moved out."
SFXBTPD
Blah Blah
Bored Chris Rock GIF by BounceGiphy"When it feels like you're engaging a combination lock just to get responses to simple innocent pieces of a conversation. People who small talk you to death."
I swear small talk people should be arrested for attempted murder.
Useless
Golden Girls Rose GIF by TV LandGiphy"When someone drags a story out with useless details. Like something that happened on the drive to work but they start the story at the point when they first woke up and what they had for breakfast. Just get to the point!"
ticklemebits
Paused
"When they interrupt me mid sentence."
HelpMeSweetJesus
"If it sometimes happens on accident whenever they think of something and get over-excited it’s whatevs. Now when they constantly step over you it’s like your opinion merely feels like filler at best and they ain’t even listening. Not even worth the energy to continue at that point."
BAKED_TATER_
"One of my coworkers only listens long enough to figure out what she's going to say next, and then she interrupts. I guess we're only there to feed her lines."
Witty_Commentator
Do Better
"When someone gives you completely useless advice you didn't ask for. A couple weeks ago I mentioned to a coworker that I was glad to be going home because I didn't get more than a couple hours of sleep."
"Dude first of all had the audacity to say 'Well, you need to do better.' When I said I have medication resistant insomnia he looks at me like I'm an idiot and asks if I've tried melatonin."
errant_night
Duh
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn’t take you very long to spot one of them, does it. Take you about eight seconds. You’ll be listening to some guy, and say, this guy is f**king stupid. Then, then there are some people, they’re not stupid. They’re full of crap."
"Huh, that doesn’t take very long to spot, either, does it. Take you about the same amount of time. You’ll be listening to some guy, saying, well, he’s fairly intelligent. Ah, he’s full of s**t. Then there are some people, they’re not stupid, they’re not full of s**t, they’re freaking nuts."
teaching-man
Gross...
Disgusted Emma Stone GIFGiphy"Sexualization. We're talking about a new video game and suddenly I get asked if I play naked, or if I'm turned on by a game mechanic or some such nonsense. Yuck."
GreenAppleLady
Good conversation is hard to keep these days.
Do you have any conversational red flags to add? Let us know in the comments below.