Parenting is a difficult job and there is NO perfect way. You learn very early on that there is absolute rulebook to avoid the fact that your kids will need a therapist eventually. It's easy to be overly too much. You can't protect them every second. So you have to learn to let go and that is a lesson many parents are unable to acquire. The helicopter parent is an issue. You don't want to suffocate them... or yourself.
Redditor u/Nicho-chan wanted all the grown kids out there to speak up about their parent's way of being "protective" by asking.... Adult children of helicopter parents, how do you deal with them now?
Down my Neck....
The way that I got my mom to chill out on me was to tell her that I wanted to go to a college out of state. That was the moment she realized she wasn't going to be protective of me forever and it took her a long time to accept it.
As of now, she's been a little easier on me, though she still sometimes treats me like a child. If I'm out of state, then I just limit contact with her and don't call home often. I think a lack of contact is the best everyone with helicopter parents can do initially because it's just so refreshing to be by yourself with nobody breathing on your neck after so long. Antique-Dancing
"the bad ones"
Giphy
My brother and I had no free time allowed growing up, just music and homework allowed. Age 30+, my dad has passed away now (he was never the problem) but my mom still does her best to control our lives, inserting herself into situations she doesn't belong, and passive aggressively putting us in situations that she wants to happen. But cutting her off or telling her she's overstepping makes us "the bad ones" in her mind [edited for clarity], so minimal contact and details are all that's on the menu for her from me now. 🤷♂️ My brother doesn't get it though, giving her minute details and then getting annoyed when she thinks she can have a say in how he lives his life. FlyingBike
It grosses me out.
My husband deals with this with his mother. We make decisions as a married couple then later every thing changes after they talk to each other. Even situations dealing with our daughter, like I have no say even when he and I were on the same page before decisions were put into action. He is so desperate to please his mom he turns his back on me. When I confront him he blames me for causing drama or being petty. IDK his mom acts like she is his wife and he lets it happen. It grosses me out. O0oBubblesBubblesO0o
Trackers.
My parents track my location at all times now. (I'm 27) . That way they don't call the cops if I don't pick up within 30 min....which has happened multiple times. frvrlvd
Stop Walking on Eggshells
Unfortunately, the helicopter behavior continued after I got married and had children. Eventually, the only way to gain control was to go no contact.
Edit: Fundamentally it boiled down to a complete lack of respect for boundaries. My happiness, marriage, and ability to be a good parent were all suffering because my mother was still trying to control my life. We tried setting up boundaries, but that only escalated things. I would have gladly gone to family counseling if she agreed, but it was far easier for her to complain to her friends that her children don't speak to her. (Yes, my brother cut her off too.)
I strongly recommend the following books: Stop Walking on Eggshells (by Paul Mason) and Boundaries (by Henry Cloud). I also very strongly recommend counseling. LilacSniffer
Lockdown....
Giphy
It was a nice sense of relief to get out of the house
To put it into perspective here's some of the stuff that was common in my house:
8:30 bedtime
No shooting games allowed, I could only ever play Minecraft with my friends
Could not close doors other than bathroom
Could not LOCK bathroom doors
Could not spend your own money without parents approval first.
Could not play on computer unless they were home (obviously this rule got broken a lot)
No social media at all
The one that got me the most though was until high school we could only have sleepovers at our house and could not go to most birthday parties
Getting out of the house to stay with someone else for a little was an absolute godsend. I love being independent and stupid with my money and being able to play whatever games I want when I want.
So yeah that's kinda what it's like. TomIsInPain
The Reality of It.
- I moved to a different country.
- I do not go back to visit.
- When they come visit they stay in a hotel.
- My husband, who was not raised in an overbearing environment, is always present when they visit. He serves as a reality check and is effective in shutting down misbehavior.
- Im going to have to explain one day that they wont be allowed unsupervised visits with any children I have. Eldrun
Still pretty bad.
Still pretty bad.
I'm 26, married and a mom of 4.
She treats me like a toddler when she visits. Thinks I'm incapable of basic things... like making breakfast or taking care of my kids.
She'll hover over me while I'm changing my kids. Criticizing how well I'm doing.
She tries to go through my clothes and pick out outfits for me to wear. Will literally buy me clothes that look like baby clothes. It's weird.
Have to set some hard boundaries with her. Boobyjuicy
Shut Up!
Giphy
My mother made my bank accounts, insurances, even my mobile phone contract when I was underage and just kept them. (I also think she stole money from me but that's another story). She said I wasn't able to manage this kind of stuff by myself. With the help of my SO I took everything back from her when I was 26. When I visited her she tried to pressure me into stuff again, so I threatened her that I would pack my stuff and leave immediately and that she would never see me or talk to me ever again in her life. These two things were kind of wake-up calls for her. Now she is so afraid that I could really go No Contact that she keeps her stupid mouth shut. Joernoddebossamienau
"Get out"
They tried to ground me after I came back from serving in the Marine Corps. Tried to take the keys to the car I own and prevent me from getting an education.
Told my Mom she can pound dirt and my Dad that if he didn't fix himself and nut up to my overbearing Mom. I'd never talk to the two of them again. Got in my car and drove off was homeless for a minute until I got enough for an apartment.
You'd think that me moving out and being homeless instead of living with them would be the thing that made things click.
No. About a year after my move out. I'd reconnected with my family and agreed to take my mom to her aerobics class one day since her car was in the shop.
Well I drive about ten minutes before she lays into me about my life choices etc. I pulled the car over looked at her and said. "Get out" she looked stunned. I just repeated myself and added "Now."
She got out. I drove off to my apartment played some CSGO and she got her much needed exercise. ill_effexor
Be Verbal!
Giphy
They say things, and I just kind go "mhmmm" like I'm agreeing that I will do those things. BUT never verbally say I will do those things. Ranger_Caitlin
Forget you Dad!
My dad was never a helicopter parent, he was actually the complete opposite. My mom was a super helicopter parent. When I was a sophomore in high school I got grounded from "everything". I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. I had to go to school and come home. I couldn't watch tv unless it was about God. I didn't have a phone, or computer, and couldn't listen to music. For months. It got worse and worse as time went on.
She would give me a curfew randomly one day and it would be different the next day. I would get in trouble for not following a curfew I had no idea existed. She gaslighted me so much that I often felt like I deserved what was happening to me. After going to therapy I am better able to identify her abusive & bipolar tendencies. I'm working on minimizing contact with her. So, whenever she's being a pain in my butt I just tell her to screw off. daykota1234
People Explain Which Conspiracy Theories They Believe Are 100% True | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
NO!!!
I just say ''no'' when i'm told to do something or follow a rule.
I don't give a reason, even when I'm asked why. Its satisfying. SpaceWhale89
Lost Control.
I don't.
I'm not NC with them but I'm absolutely firm on my boundaries and standing up for myself, and I don't let their tantrums sway me.
On the other hand, the pressure does eat at me, but I'll never let them know that. themarajade1
Married In....
Giphy
My parents weren't. But a friend moved to a different state and got engaged and my friend's mom still managed to be a helicopter parent. Visiting at least 3 times a month and contacting either her or her SO constantly. It ruined the engagement because the SO finally had enough because even though my friend was annoyed with her mom as well, she couldn't cut her mom off completely... Idk all the details but it must have been superrr annoying if someone was like "I love you, but forget having in-laws like this." She is now single and has moved back home. It's unfortunate... jxwtf585
Build the Walls.....
Honestly me and my husband are trying to figure this out. My MIL is a total helicopter parent; if one of us (me, my husband, or his brother) doesn't respond to her messages within an hour or two, she'll bombard the other two about where we are/if something happened to us. She freaked out on me when I didn't respond to her after three hours (we were doing a cross-country drive) and accused me of trying to shut her out and said we're never going to be a real family because of the "walls" I've built up around myself. I don't know what to do. My husband won't stand up to her as much as I want him to, but I can't do this for the rest of my life. We have to establish some boundaries, but it's not my mom, so I can't be the one to initiate. Krutoon
"I don't give a crap mom. Go work it out."
I had to be extremely mean and blunt with my mom. I'm a mid-thirties married man, and had to straight up tell her that I have a family and my own life and she needs to go get a hobby or take classes or anything whatsoever that will give her a sense of value because I do not need a goddamn interfering invasive mother any longer.
When she started giving me either the "thats so horrible you'd talk to your mother that way" or the "ohhh no my kids don't need me anymore" I literally flat out had to just say "I don't give a crap mom. Go work it out." I had to be super super mean to her about it. Sometimes parents have to cut their children off, and sometimes children have to cut their parents off. Doesn't make me feel good but I sleep fine. shiddydogs
No Need 4 U!
I ignore them. To be honest it's also because I'm in a different city and have a hectic job. But there was also a period of slowly getting them used to the fact that they would not know and control every detail of my adult life. SocraticAlva
After I turned 21.....
My parents weren't that bad, but they were quite over-protective. After I turned 21, I still wasn't allowed out after dark and all that jazz. Had to let them know where I was going and who I was seeing in case I was murdered. What I did was move to another continent. I talk to them every couple of weeks over Whatsapp voice chat. They try and tell me what to do sometimes and I'm just like "ok" and don't do it. Blinker_Fluid_
Still Going....
Giphy
They still helicopter me, actually now more than ever that I'm 24 and I'm not sure what suddenly turned the dial up. However I'm finally planning on moving out for good this year with my boyfriend. Everytime I bring it up, they don't believe me or they think I'm kidding and say it isn't happening.
Oh well, I did tell them. I guess they'll get a reality check when the time comes and it won't be on me. vivalalina
Redditor sfish27 wanted to hear about all the best thoughts people had, but maybe while not on the best of terms mentally, they asked:
"Have you ever written down a 'genius idea' while drunk/tired/otherwise confused, then gone back to it later to find it was complete nonsense? What was your genius idea?"
I swear I have had the best workout ideas after margaritas.
But after I sober up I realize... one really shouldn't hang from a ceiling fan for ab support.
Carbs
"They should make a 'low carb' pasta salad, that just has vegetables in it. I looked at it later and realized that's just a salad." ~ crap_whats_not_taken
GiphyShovel It
"I used to think that I would get these amazing ideas before I would fall asleep and then I forget them in the morning. So I started keeping a journal next to my bed to write down these ideas. The only one I ever wrote down was 'pogo stick with a shovelhead on the end."' ~ High_Stream
Pizza
"I once woke up in the middle of the night with an idea that I desperately needed to jot down. Managed to key it into my phone before dozing off again. Went to check it the next morning to find a note that simply read 'Better a pizza cake than none.'" ~ Itrade
Cereal
"I was drunk and went to eat a bowl of cereal. Then started thinking about how great it would be if we invented deeper bowls with a handle, to make eating stuff while drunk and sitting on the couch easier. Got so excited about my idea and was genuinely baffled how nobody had seemingly thought of this genius idea before. Woke up the next morning and realized I had, in fact, invented the mug." ~ _MaddAddam
Hot Air
"I wanted to make my own hot air balloon by inflating an air mattress with helium. Didn't have a helium tank though." ~ KapitanKraken
GiphyHot air balloons are dangerous in general.
You'd have to be high just to try.
That is a death defying experience.
Yoda
"One time I had the idea to write something down when I was almost blacked out to see what it was in the morning and it turned out I wrote, ‘Yoda is the best time traveler.'" ~ ytubejammer
Giphy(???)
"I once dreamed that I was in a song contest and came up with a rap song with the chorus... 'White boy, black boy, gay boy, gameboy,' and when I woke up I thought it was the most wholesome thing ever. Black people, white people and even gay people can come together and be friends if they just put their differences aside and play Gameboy together. (???) To be fair, I was a kid. but still. I remember being excited about it FOR DAYS." ~ TurnstileT
"Wrote"
"I wrote a best selling novel in my sleep. 'Wrote' some ideas down on a pad next to the bed. Woke up excited about it and then realized I never clicked the pen to expose the tip. No book this year." ~ Harvard-23
"Bruh, you gotta rub the paper with the side of a pencil and expose the indentations. You were leaving yourself a coded message!" ~ pterrorgrine
My Blades
"I wanted to start a business that would increase efficiency of ceiling fans. I would travel to people's homes and sharpen their ceiling fan blades until they were razor sharp. The decreased resistance would make the blades faster and use less energy. Since literally no one has ever sharpened their ceiling fan blades, everyone was a potential customer." ~ chowderpouch
Sober...
"I wrote down some jokes that were funny and thought I should do stand-up. they were so funny that I couldn't stop laughing. Sober, they weren't even jokes. just some thoughts written down that made little to no sense." ~ BirdGuy64
GiphyWhat have we learned?
Just enjoy the high.
Don't overthink.
And also... you never know, it might work.
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For instance... all writers have pens. It's a thing. And a computer. And they have books, because they read and research.
If they're missing more than one of these items, it's a poser.
Redditor Tarrabyte__ wanted to send up the red flags we should be on the lookout for when rummaging in kitchens. There are just somethings only a bad cook would have.
"What food in someone's cabinet screams, 'I'm bad at cooking?'"
There are basics to every field and desire.
You have to have the basics or not have what doesn't belong.
Poisons
"I’ve seen someone store their bleach, dish soap, and bath soap right beside the potatoes." ~ jcn143
GiphyDr. NOOOO
"My mom has had a can of Dr.Pepper flavored beans in the cabinet for about 6 months so I’d have to go with that." ~ mini-maggit
"I bought those once more as a novelty. They weren't good. It's like the sauce is supposed to be made with Dr Pepper. But they just tasted bad. So be glad she left them in the cabinet and didn't serve them to you." ~ Acrobatic_Succotash
"You might be surprised how many BBQ recipes call for some kind of dark soda in the sauce/marinade. Dr Pepper, Cola, Root beer; I've seen everything from beans to pulled pork call for one of those." SocratesBalls
"oh it's still good"
"My parents have spices in the cabinet from before they were married. They just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last week. It's a known fact amongst my kids, you don't eat anything in grandmas house without checking an expiration date."
"We've also started a new game of trying to find the oldest expiration date we can. The refrigerator has stuff from the year I graduated high school in 1999. Ice cream toppings and things like that. The response from my mom and dad is always 'oh it's still good.'" ~ oaksso7880
Bad Flavors
"To balance out the 'lack of seasonings.' Only massive amounts of garlic and onion powder. I met someone who insists you'd be a fool to not pack every recipe with these, to the point where everything has this weird, overpowering fake taste." ~ Doobledorf
"They’re easy to lean on because they smell good as is. It takes a little experience and experimentation to learn how to unlock the other flavors through combinations and actually cooking the herbs. Like I could just huff a bag of onion powder all day that stuff is amazing!" ~ Abrahamlinkenssphere
Get Wood
"A glass cutting board. only people who have no clue what they’re doing in the kitchen would use one." ~ kittenswithtattoos
GiphyStorage is key.
You don't store chemicals with food.
Choose to live.
What's Missing?
"I think it's more about what's not there. If you don't own a cutting board, you probably can't cook. I'm surprised at how snobby some of these comments are. I'm a great cook, but eat instant/shortcut convenience foods all the time. My time and energy are finite resources, sometimes those convenience items are a lifesaver!" ~ strikingsapphire
GiphyCut it Up
"The lack of a larger, sharp, knife. If all you have are paring knives, I will assume you don’t cook much." ~ Bananaman612
"Whatever size they are, if all your knives are dull, you either don’t cook much or have some kind of weird fetish for frustrating yourself. Lots of people can’t afford fancy knives, but most can afford a sharpener and a few seconds every now and then to give them a quick run through." ~ Fortherealtalk
What's Lacking
"It's more the lack of salt in the cabinet. My family doesn't believe in seasoning food and they don't think it is possible to overcook something. I have heard my mom complain about how pepper is too spicy. They're like the stereotype of white people." ~ Either_Road_5538
"Sounds like my friend when we were growing up his mom cooked chicken by boiling it and don't season it at all. Dude way blown away when I cooked him and myself chicken with a homemade pan sauce one time, that's when he told me about his childhood of bland boiled chicken." ~ subaru_natsuki337
Reasons for Seasons
"I see a lot of people here ragging on instant food but damn I work full time. Sometimes I make Butter Chicken from scratch and other times I make hamburger helper for dinner. I consider myself a good cook but I’m also a person who gets tired. Just because you have lazy meals ready to go does not make you a bad cook." ~ TheCylonsAreHere
I think I may be a bad cook.
That's ok, I have DoorDash.
And I'm temperamental with spices so take that as you will.
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Curious to hear about certain expectations, Redditor Gaelic_Gladiator_64 asked:
"What is a basic skill that you grew up thinking everyone had until you saw others do it so horribly?"
When dealing with people, it turns out some people are lacking in social graces.
Respect
"Being polite/having manners."
– Marcella111001
Getting A Point Across
"Explaining things. If I explain something and someone tells me they don't understand, I explain it again, but frame or phrase it differently."
"I will never understand why so many people think just saying the exact same words again in a more exasperated/condescending tone is at all effective."
– GODDAMNUBERNICE
Some people are clueless when looking at the various equipment in front of them.
Reading Instructions
"Following an instruction manual. I heard people say 'I don't know how to build an IKEA cupboard.' Neither do I, that's why they ship it with instructions."
– madInTheBox
How To Clean Dirty Clothes
"Using a washing machine and dryer."
– SamuraiJack815
The Neglected Step
"Laundry, especially emptying the dryer lint. So many places I’ve stayed had 'bad driers' that were packed full of lint! How these people did not start a fire is amazing."
– babybaloneyfriend
Being Self-Reliant
"So thankful for my dad, who grew up dirt-poor but had really made something of himself by the time I was in middle school."
"He ingrained in us that no matter how well we succeeded financially in life, we always needed to know how to do things ourselves, even if just not to get scammed by folks we’d hire to do things for us. As long as I’m physically able, I’d rather DIY just for the learning experience. Except major plumbing and electrical. I’m not that egotistical. Haha."
– ThatSpot0701
How To Clean The Floor
"Mopping/sweeping."
– ThatGuyWithThatFace_
"The best tip I can impart for mopping floors is to use two buckets. One with hot water and the other with hot water and cleaning product. Use the hot clean water to rinse the mop before drinking (dunking) it in the bucket with cleaning product."
"That way you can dump and refill the hot water as it gets filthy without losing cleaning product and without smearing the dirt back on the floor."
– arjo_reich
Some people are seriously apprehensive about learning how to use certain electronic equipment.
Intimidating Equipment
"I had a friend who grew up with maids. He was 18 and gay and his family kicked him out. So he got this tiny little run down studio apartment in Los Feliz. He was super proud of it, and invited me to see it. He was using candles to light it when I got there (maybe to save money? Maybe to hide the blemishes?) and had left an ashtray on the floor, which I accidentally kicked and got (cold) ashes all over his carpet."
"He freaked the f'k out. 'What do I do? How am I going to clean that?!'”
“'With a vacuum?' I replied, confused as to why this was a mystery."
"He didn’t have one, so he went to ask the building manager if there was one he could borrow; which there was."
"He pulls this standard upright vacuum into the middle of the room and then stares at it. After a few seconds wondering what he was doing I asked 'do you not know how to use a vacuum?'”
“No, you have to understand, we always had maids, I never even made a bed before last week.”
"So I plug it in, turn it on, and take it a couple times back and forth across part of the carpet."
"Then like a child with the Fisher-Price popper vacuum he went to work. He was over the moon excited. 25 years later it’s a favorite memory of that person."
– moistpup
Computers
"It's still pretty amazing watching how some people use their phones and computers. Like you could give some leeway in the 90s and earlier, computers back then were fairly complicated for a lot of functions."
"But after 30+ years of design refinements to make them about as easy to use as possible, plenty of people, including younger people, interact with them as if they're afraid it will get mad at them personally if they mess up."
– iuytrefdgh436yujhe2
When Everything Is Available At Your Fingertips
"Being able and willing to figure stuff out. A lot of basic skills aren't that complicated. And in this day, if it is complicated, the internet almost certainly has dozens, hundreds, or more, tutorials."
"Quitting because 'I don't know how' should not be the answer. I wish more were taught to figure things out, or seek the help/answers to get it done."
– naphomci
I know there are some people who don't understand how to use Google maps. That just boggles my mind.
"How do you get there?" "Where is it?" "What train gets me there?" are all questions I've gotten from time to time when planning to meet up with them.
Seriously, go to any app that involves the use of a map, and a path opens up like magic.
I don't know if it's laziness to avoid relying on an app when they can get a verbal answer or if they are so intimidated by technology.
It's time to learn, because it's never too late.
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Wondering about a hypothetical, Redditor MainSeparate2964 asked:
"Congratulations! You're on a first date with someone you really like, what's something that they could say that would ruin it completely?"
There was one person who was not on the same page.
A Late Confirmation
"This is a platonic date right? No? You know I have a boyfriend right?"
– Glad-Election-7952
Presumptions
"Reminds me of one I got once. Saw a movie, asked if she wanted to get food, she said no. I said 'oh well maybe next time then.' And she goes 'who says there's gonna be a next time?'"
– Silvinis
Identity Crisis
"A friend of hers shows up at the bar. Gestures to me, 'This is Chris.' I am not Chris."
– cambot86
Some dates didn't know what to call their situation.
What Label?
"Oh, so it's a 'date', date?"
– Akamors
The Confused Girlfriend
"No joke. I had a girl once ask me if I thought we were dating... Literally seconds after we had sex. Like we both regularly said we liked each other, went on dates, hugged and kissed in public."
"I had dinner at her families house once or twice a week. Anyway I said 'yeah' and she said 'Oh I don't think we should date.' Like what have we been doing for 3 months? Weirdest experience I've ever had with a 'romantic?' partner."
– kynthrus
A Happy Twist
"This happened to me! The guy didn't think it was a 'date' date and asked for a second chance. Almost ten years married."
– fiestafoxinue
These dates were doomed from before they even began.
False Pretenses
"It was a dare."
"Free food."
"I don't even like you that much."
– tr5al5x
Business Opportunity
"So, how would you like to own your own small business? I know a great opportunity, and all you have to do is get five of your friends to join with you! Want to join my team and crush some goals?"
– HawaiianShirtsOR
Curfew
"My dad said I need to be home by 8."
– YoungFelix105
Repeat Offender
"Remember me? the girl who cheated on your brother?"
– Brandenk192
While there are many variables involved that could derail a first date, you needn't be discouraged.
Just make sure before planning to meet with the person whom you have a crush on knows they will be on a date to ensure there will be no confusion.
Hopefully, it will be a match.
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