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911 operators have a front row seat to the moments when people are most stressed out.


These are the professionally calm voices on the other line when somebody calls in the midst of total catastrophe, a sudden tragedy, and imminent danger.

With one call coming in after the next, all shift long, it's not difficult to see how draining that job could be.

But there are occasionally calls that leave an operator chuckling. Some people choose to call 911 for the weirdest things.

Thankfully, a good 911 operator can sift through the the true emergencies and the strange, unnecessary call. Lucky for us, however, those ones ended up on a recent Reddit thread.

Abrera asked, "911 Operators of Reddit, what are some of the funniest things someone has called in for?"

For some operators, it was all about the animal stories. You'd be stunned how many people call 911 when a weird animal mishap strikes.

Swimming Inward 

"I only worked dispatch for a few months and I got a call for a fish being stuck in a woman's ear." -- jajison

"Did they arrest the fish?" -- AlienSandwiches

"I- I have several questions" -- The_Official_Dave

Narrating the Whole Thing 

"I had a guy call in on 911 because he was concerned about a seagull he thought was injured in a Chipotle restaurant parking lot. Apparently while on the phone, he tried to pick up or check on the bird at which point the bird started squawking, then he started freaking out and I started having trouble telling them apart."

"Then there I could hear what might have been wings flapping, a brief silence, and suddenly the guy started hyperventilating and screaming he needed an ambulance because he was having a heart attack and that the bird flew off."

"I wasn't sure if he was being serious so I got him over to EMS as a precaution. Upon transfer and getting EMS on the line he got very quiet and said, 'I think I'm okay, I'll call you back later,' and hung up and would not answer on callback."

"I still wonder about Steven Seagull when I drive by a Chipotle."

-- indigofoxgivesnofox

All Kinds of Wildlife 

"I just certified as a call taker and got mandated for overtime (of course) on my first shift. Policy was if someone insisted they saw something we take it as face value and enter the call."

"Well this lady called me just after midnight and swore she saw a chupacabra on the west side of Orlando and Insisted in an officer doing an area check."

"Not too long after that a coworker was in on his night off and left the building. He called 2 mins later saying he saw a kangaroo hopping down the street."

"I can't make this sh** up"

-- Brent_L

The Great Pig Chase 

"Former dispatcher here. My funniest call was a guy called in and said he wanted to report a pig running around."

"I had to ask a pig, as in curly tailed pig. He said yes sir he's running by taco bell now."

"I dispatch out animal control who gets on scene and asks for help. One of our officers assists and for the next 40 minutes or so I got to listen to two of the cities finest chase a young pig around businesses."

"Once the pig was finally caught it was determined the pig came from a transport truck. The driver said he didn't want the pig back so the pig was given to the humane society."

"Never did hear what happened to the little fellow after that."

-- bheidreborn

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for: the steamiest reasons to call 911.

Professional Removal Required 

"When I was a Fire dispatcher, I had to send a Squad to remove a penis ring. So there's that." -- bravosarah

"I'm just trying to visualize how they managed to get that off the poor bastard. Did they use bolt cutters or something?" -- SOUNDEFFECT94

"My aunt talks about a dude came into her ER with a titanium ring. They didn't have the equipment to cut it off so the firefighters has to come in with the jaws of life."

"Amazingly it went well and the dude kept his penis." -- Commercial_Nature_44

Wrong Size 

"One time a guy called in while I was training and stated he had cut his penis. When I answered you cut your penis?! The trainer smacked me on the arm and told me he said he'd cut his hand. She looked at me like the biggest pervert!"

"Then 10 seconds later into the conversation he says, 'Yeah I was trying on a rubber that was too small and I had to cut it off so I cut right into my penis!' She almost couldn't stop herself from laughing."

-- macmartijp14

When a Kink Leads to Some Logistical Issues 

"Numerous calls where someone has handcuffed themself to a SO during coitus and lost the key (if it's not busy this seems to draw most available officers)."

"Not me but a coworker: a person was pleasuring themselves with the handle of a scissors and it got stuck."

-- nineunouno

And others shared the moments that were so ridiculous they were almost cartoonish. Strap in for surreal images, absurd logic, and shocking circumstances.

Man vs. Machine 

"There are funny calls that come in all the time. I talked to a pizza delivery guy who couldn't reach his destination because a defiant chicken was standing in the middle of the road. I stayed with him on the phone as he pleaded with it to finally move along. Truly a chicken crossing the road moment."

"Another time I took a call where a guy insisted he was in an argument with a man dressed as a giant Pepsi bottle. He said the man in the Pepsi suit had stolen his debit card and refused to give it back. Upon arrival the officers told me he was high as sh** and arguing with a vending machine."

-- placeintheways

Trying to Show Off the Guns 

"A man requiring extrication from an Under Armor insulated shirt. His shoulder popped out of the socket while he was pulling it on, it was halfway on/halfway off and his arm was locked and dislocated."

-- Dispatcher12

Procrastinating the Call 

"My caller reported her car stolen. When I asked her when she saw her car for the last time she replied 1990. Yep, 30 years ago."

"She seemed unfazed on why I was surprised by her answer."

-- Narrow-Dust-1523


So if you can, try to take a breath and double check to make sure it's a reasonable time to call 911. Although you can rest assured that if it's really out there, you just might make someone's day.

Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.

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Typically, I would write an intro about my own experiences with the weird kids at school, but I WAS the weird kid in school. Not in a bad way, more like a “I had a John Waters phase” when I was 16 and everyone knew it. So like, cool-weird. At least I hope so.

Schools aren’t always so lucky to have the cool kinds of weird kids though. The spectrum of weird extends even further than that, and can sometimes end up very disasterous.

U/Imaginary_East5786 asked: What was the weirdest thing the weird kid did at school?

​Let’s start with the grossest of the gross. Because why not.

Was it worth it?

peeing ralph wiggum GIF Giphy

He heard that you'd automatically get suspended if you peed your pants at school. He wanted to find out if it was true, peed his pants, got suspended.

Memoryduel

Scientific method:

> Observation: 'I've heard that by peeing your pants you will be suspended'

> Hypothesis: If I pee my pants I will be suspended

> Experiment: I peed my pants and I got suspended

> Conclusion: If I pee my pants I get suspended

Glez_fdezdavila_

Uhhh what was the intention here?

He got mad that he didn't understand how to play a game at lunchtime so he started hitting and punching the nearest person to him, who happened to be me. When I shoved him away and asked him what the hell was he doing, he whipped his unit.out, charged at me and when I shoved him away from me again he started crying and ran away with his member still sticking out.

Kurtles12

​Next ones up are the lowkey (or even highkey) disturbing stories. These weird kids can get a little scary.

Boom theret.

At my middle school, someone decided to get a little attention with a good old fashioned bomb threat. Except they thought that a bomb threat meant literally writing "bomb threat" somewhere. Worse yet, they misspelled the f*ck out of it, and wrote "boom theret."

So we had to go on a brief, very awkward lockdown while the police checked the perimeter for booms.

Angusthedangus

I hope there was no overlap in the columns.

Serial Killer Halloween GIF by GIPHY CAM Giphy

She wrote a list of all the girls and boys she wanted to kiss and murder and then casually passed it out on the playground.

Fun-Acadia-8735

2 separate lists or just the 1?

OppositeYouth

Same list 2 columns lol.

Fun-Acadia-8735

Holy crap.

Had the weird kid in high school ask the teacher to use the bathroom. She said no and this dude legit stabbed his hand with a pencil. Went all the way through then asked if he could now...sh*t was wild.

This was Pearl High School in Mississippi. This was the school Luke Woodham shot and killed his girlfriend and her friend at the school. This kid stabbed himself with the pencil about 2 months after that happened. This was late 1997.

Roberted1982

​Most of the time, however, the weird kids are pretty d*mn funny.

Ok, but this takes a lot of skill.

Had a kid nicknamed "cheeseburger" in the grade ahead of me in high school. He got his nickname because when it was time for his class to go to lunch, he snuck into the roof and crawled his way into the cafeteria, dropped down and proceeded to steal all the cheeseburger put out for lunch. Unfortunately they caught him in the act and sent him to the principal's office.

A year later he was caught stealing a teacher's computer, and in the process of being arrested he bit the officers hand, getting him sent to juvi never to be heard of again.

Theonering1

Every school had the cat girl.

cat dragging GIF Giphy

The weird kid at my highschool tied a string around his pencil case and pulled out around the halls pretending it was a dog. He still lives in my hometown. I think unemployed.

Oh also weird girl in middle school acted like a cat. She would meow and hiss at people, lick the water fountain and rub her body on the teacher's legs. In 8th grade. I have no idea where she ended up.

SendmePMsofyourBMs

Mood.

Weird kid in elementary was a self proclaimed alien. Once, while waiting for the bus, she told me "On my planet we eat people like you" and proceeded to bite me. We later became friends in high school and she used to give me massages during lunch break in the quad. Just realized now she was likely tenderizing me.

Iheartrevolution

I was exactly this kind of weird.

He didn't say much, but if asked, he would go to the front of the class and perform Tip-Toe Through the Tulips with all of the emotion and volume of Tiny Tim, holding nothing back.

The last I heard, he became an energy trader, made a ton of money and married well.

10per

I can definitely relate to that last one. In middle school, my English teacher would let me go to the front of the class and perform monologues or songs from Broadway musicals. Weird, but that’s what happens when schools cut funding for the arts and the theatre kids have no outlet.

As long as you’re not hurting anyone, I say let your freak flag fly, man

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