Weve all seen it before drill sergeants in movies making hilarious and sometimes outrageous comments to their subordinates. Well how do this hold up in real life? People reveal the funniest thing theyve ACTUALLY heard a drill sergeant say.
1/25. "I am going to take a sh*t in a box and send it to your parents for sending me theirs!"
2/25. One of our warrant officers took my glasses, drew a crosshair on one of the lenses and introduced me as a "future soldier" to a colonel who was inspecting our training.
3/25. My battle buddy and I were ordered to dig holes, so when were about to our waist he proceeded to turn on a hose. He started to fill the holes with water and told us to stay in the hole. Another drill sergeant walks by and asks him what he's doing. He says "I'm watering my petunias".
More hilarious stories on the next page!
7/25. We came back from a run one night, it just was starting to snow. We came back to see all out bunks and lockers had been thrown out. I being not the smartest Pvt. said "I could have sworn I made my bed" drill sergeant was behind me. I painted a fence at midnight in the snow for three hours. I almost cried the whole time while painting that damn fence.
8/25. "If I wanted to hear shit, I would have farted!"
9/25. We do a lot of aid training, such as CPR, wound healing, exposed intestines, chest hole fix, etc etc. the fun stuff. In training, one of the steps is to tell someone to call 911. Specifically point at them and direct them. In combat, this switches to pointing at someone to go get the medic.
We were all lined up at our bunks at the end of the day and the drill instructor was talking. The same as you can see in movies like Full Metal Jacket.
As his final words, he is dictating whom is going to do fire watch for the night. Fire watch is basically someone standing at the main door who guards sleeping recruits and also watched out for any fires or anything else that could kill us in our sleep. There are always two people on watch in our platoon of about 60.
He points at one recruit and says "You, go stand fire watch in the front."
He points at another recruit and says, "You, get dressed for fire watch too."
He points at a third recruit. He hesitates because he realizes that he's already picked two. He suddenly says, "You...." .... "Go call 911."
Funniest thing that happened in all of boot camp. He let us all laugh for about 3 seconds and then told "alright now...enough."
10/25. "Assume the position!"
We were about to do punishment pushups; I forget why. But we were his first female company... and 80 women shouted "Yes Sir!" very... enthusiastically. And threw ourselves onto the deck. While smiling.
Poor man turned a lovely shade of red and ran and locked himself in his office. No pushups were done because our female CC was laughing too hard and she had to leave the room as well.
From then on, she was the one who ordered us to do pushups.
11/25. The drill sergeant did this thing where they would yell "Freeze, Recruit, Freeze". We would have to stop whatever we were doing.
As my bunk mate was running back from the showers wearing nothing but a towel the DS screamed "Freeze, Recruit, Freeze". My bunk mate tried to freeze on one leg and then fell down, naked, and because he was following orders, just laid there naked. I laughed and my DS called me a cock gazer.
Continue to the next page for more!
12/25. During roll call, there was a soldier who's last name was Parts, so DS would read out loud, "Private Parts! Private Parts! Where is Private Parts?!"
13/25. Walking by the snake pit when I'm stopped by another MTI who asked if my TI cursed at us. I answered no as they technically aren't supposed to, but they still do. The MTI then grabbed a banana off my plate and said if I wanted it back I had to answer truthfully. Food being a luxury and I do love my bananas, I answered yes and he sent me on my way. Later that day in the day room my MTI comes busting in, "Which one of you motherf*ckers sold me out for a god damn banana?!"
14/25. "If you drop your magazine again before putting your safety on I will kick you in the balls and make you sing like Mariah Carey."
15/25. The Senior DS had us all bend over at the waist and put our heads between our knees as low as possible. Then he wanted us to all stand up as quickly as possible while shouting "POP!". Once we did that, he said, "Congratulations men, you've just pulled your head out of your motherf*cking ass!"
16/25. We were lined up in 4 rows, or "Elements."
One day a lone soul lined up in his own element. The instructor came running around the corner staring at this guy. He got right up to his face and screamed,
"ARE YOU BRUCE WILLIS?!"
"No, ...sir" he whimpered.
"THEN WHY ARE YOU IN THE FIFTH ELEMENT?!"
I had to use everything within me to not laugh.
17/25. "He's so dumb, if he fell in a barrel of tits, he'd come out sucking his thumb."
I'll never forget that line.
More hilarious comments on the next page!
18/25. One of the first days in basic a guy in my platoon was standing at attention while having his room inspected by the instructor.
It didn't matter how nice his room was because there was a large piece of fuzz/fluff on his shirt that immediately drew the sergeant's attention.
"Recruit Bloggins! What is that on your shirt?! Is that a fluffy!?"
"Yes sergeant!"
"Why is there a fluffy on your shirt Bloggins!?"
"I must have missed it sergeant!"
"Missed it? It is so huge, how did you miss such a big fluffy!?" She picks it off of him "Hold out your hand" He holds out his hand and she places it in his palm "This is Mr. Fluffy. Find a home for him, like a pill bottle or something. From now on, whenever I want to see Mr. Fluffy you must bring him to me."
And so, for the rest of basic, every time the sergeant found a piece of fuzz she would yell out, "MR. FLUFFY!" and Bloggins would have to march over to her and present Mr. Fluffy and she would formally hand him the new piece of fuzz to add to Mr. Fluffy. There was hell to pay if he didn't have Mr. Fluffy with him at all times.
19/25. We were shining our boots when a staff sergeant (called a Sergeant Instructor) from another platoon walked through.
Delbert, a friend of mine, glanced up from his work and made a microsecond of eye contact with the Sergeant Instructor.
SI: "Midshipman, why are you looking at me?"
Delbert: Silence.
SI: "Midshipman, do you like me?"
At this point I am listening and thinking "Sh*t, I'm not sure there is a good answer to that question".
Delbert: "Uh, yes, Sergeant Instructor."
SI: "Well liking leads to loving and loving leads to f*cking. Do you want to f*ck me, Midshipman?"
Delbert: "NO, Sergeant Instructor!"
SI: "Then keep your damned eyeballs off of me!"
20/25. My sister platoon had to march around carrying their toilet plungers everywhere. At meal time, the section seniors had to stand at attention, in the hallway outside the mess, holding out a toilet plunger... It was hilarious!
21/25. My T.I. (Air Force) started his lighter right in front of the face of the dorm guard on duty and asked her, "You see fire, what do you do?" It was priceless to watch his jaw hang open when she simply blew it out like a candle.
He took a second to regain composure and lit it up again, asking "There's a fire in the dorm, what do you DO?" She quietly answered "Fire, fire, fire?" and he growled, "Well?"
Then she ran around the room shouting "Fire! Fire! Fire!" like she was supposed to and those of us watching had to fight not laughing and stumbling while going down the stairs.
22/25. "Does it look like I have a sh*t-sweep hangin' between my legs?!!!
In response to a basic trainee referring to her as a "Sir".
Continue for more hilarious stories!
23/25. My RDC (navy boot camp instructor) ripped ass all the time. It got to the point where she would always do it at the most quiet time just to beat us later for laughing. My favorite moment was when we were lining up for chow and she walks by and toots so hard the entire line heard it (80+ people) and as she hears people giggling, she whips around and screams, "WHO THE F*CK SAID THAT?!" All the grins were wiped immediately only to hear her follow up, "some asshole's talking sh*t behind my back..."
24/25. So, I was at Basic in Fort Benning, and we were zero'ing our weapons as a company. Zero'ing a weapon is when you ensure it shoots where you want it to by shooting a paper target repeatedly. Sounds easy enough. Now, I am a terrible shot. I know this. Everyone knows this. However, I get even worse when I'm being screamed at. I spent hours on the line until, finally, there were only four of us cats who hadn't gotten a "go" in the whole company. We had three more hours of range time, and if we failed to zero, we'd be "recycled."
"Recycled" entails having to revert to another company earlier along in Basic Training. So, not only do you lose your buddies, but you catch a couple extra weeks of training with a unit that knows you're a sh*tbird of some sort. So, a fate worse than death.
After another unsuccessful grouping, my drill sergeant, without a word, picked me up from the prone position and stood me up. He looked at me and said "Go find me a pine cone." Confused, I took four steps, scooped up a pine cone and took it back to him. I presented him my findings, and he responded "Private, that's not my pine cone, go find me my fucking pine cone!"
Keep in mind, this is a forest in Georgia, there's a metric shit ton of pine cones. So I jog off and work on my "mission." This entire time, my DS is shooting all my rounds off, genuinely enjoying himself. Every pine cone I bring to him is not his pine cone. This continued for about 15 minutes while the rest of the company, sitting in a clearing eating MREs, cheered me on.
Finally, I breathlessly run up and hand him another pine cone, about to jog off to grab another. He looks at me, then the pine cone, then me. .... "STEVE!" he yells "You found Steve, private!"
I shit you not, I had never been more relieved in my entire life, until his face scrunched into a grimace.
"Wait, private, where's his family? ... WHO THE F*CK TAKES A PINE CONE AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY!?"
So, terrified, I spend around half an hour scavenging for appropriate sized pine cones, while he fires maniacally. Eventually, I hunt down his "wife" and his two "kids." (At one point I brought "Steve's estranged son, Dennis", and I needed to do push-ups for causing Steve "emotional duress.")
Anyway he lets me fire (after I prop up the family to "cheer me on"), I go prone, and I zero on the first iteration. He picks me up again, cracks the only smile I ever saw from him, and says "It was all in your head, you dumb f*ck. Good job. Now go do push-ups till I'm tired." He also had me write my congressman later that day to apologize for wasting taxpayer money on bullets.
A pine cone saved my military career.
25/25. "I just want to stand here and stare at my privates!"
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.