No judgement... you gotta do what you gotta do.
1/22. I was drunk at a karaoke bar in Sydney a few years ago running around the hallways for some reason. Two 30-something women told me they needed a stripper for their friends birthday and they'd give me $200. So I walk into this brightly-lit karaoke room with 15-20 women sitting around staring at me in a semi-circle.
I got naked, sang Radio GaGa to a wall of camera flashes, made a speech and got the heck out of there.
2/22. Spending 9h a day, 5 (sometimes more) days a week, 50 weeks a year, 45 years of life going to work seems quite messed up once you really think about it.
3/22. One time I sold grocery store portabello mushrooms to some freshman for 120 bucks.
4/22. I webcammed a fifty+ year old guy and told him a bedtime story, 'tucked him in' and sang lullabies to him for 200 bucks. Doesn't sound f*cked up, but believe me, it was.
5/22. I once worked retail.
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6/22. I tutored a guy in a subject I had 0 idea about. He ended up getting a 0/200 on his test the next day.
I had tutored the guy in another subject before with pretty good results, but one day he asked me to teach him Chemistry, a class that I had never taken. I literally learned the material as I read it in his textbook with him. After he got his test score back his parents never said another word to me and they hired a professional tutor.
7/22. Not money, but bartering. I crumpled up aluminum foil and covered it with gold sharpie ink. Then I told a kid it was gold and traded it for a Charizard card. I immediately felt guilty.
8/22. I let a medical researcher inject me with saltwater so he could record how much pain I was in. Twice.
9/22. I pooped and peed myself while a guy and his friend watched for $100. I really needed the money at the time.
10/22. Sold a lot of store-bought brownies at Ultra Music Festival for $20 a pop. I never said they had weed in them, people just assumed they did.
Who else would sell brownies for $20 each at a place where everyones on drugs? This a**hole, that's who.
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11/22. I used to DJ at a strip club. One night a few guys came in to cheer one of them up, as he had just buried his brother earlier that day. One of them (already pretty drunk) comes up to me and says, hey, we're about to buy this guy a lap dance, can you play Taps when he gets it, we'll pay you $100.
As they'd already said once or twice they were there to cheer him up, I said no, of course not. He goes back, has a brief conversation with the rest of his buddies, comes back and says, alright, $250. Again, I turn them down.
Long story short, they kept coming back with higher and higher offers. I finally caved at $1000 and played Taps while a guy who had buried his brother earlier got a lap dance from a stripper.
The worst part was the look on the guy's face the entire time. Don't think I'll ever forget it. That was about 10 years ago and I still lay awake at night from time to time thinking what a piece of sh*t I was/am.
12/22. Went to a bar, stood on the table. Told everyone that I would write them a personalized poem for $5. Made 300$ that night.
13/22. I was once paid to clean out a boat that police sold at auction. It was full of bilge water... and shell casings, razor blades, a machete and trash. It felt so weird that the police just released it without pulling some of that stuff out of there.
Another time, I was paid to sell 7500 feet of used firehose. That was an unbelievable mess. Who wants used firehose? Farmers from Idaho. They were brilliant and they took it all away.
14/22. Found a guy on craigslist, he gave me $500 to pee in a cup. I needed money to fix my sink, so you gotta do what you gotta do.
15/22. I married someone because I had hospital bills. I fell in love with them shortly after, so it all worked out, but it wasn't that way initially. They'll never know.
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16/22. My sister used to pay me 10 a minute to be her personal foot rest as she watched tv.
17/22. I ate a glue stick once.
18/22. I ate a mixing spoon full of bacon grease for $15 and a $5 coupon to best buy. Apparently my price is very low.
19/22. I am one of seven children raised by a single mother. We were really broke, I mean eating mayonnaise sandwiches all day until hamburger helper was for dinner. My friends mom had taken us to McDonald's after church on Wednesday. This was around Halloween and they were giving out trick or treat boxes for UNICEF. Basically you go door to door collecting donations for kids in need and mail it in. Me and my little brothers went to every door in the neighborhood collecting money that we immediately spent on tooth brushes, tooth paste, and candy. The irony went to waste on me at the time.
20/22. I had a friend at school who was infamous for being 'poor', people used to get him to do stupid stuff for money and he would go along with it, I doubt for the money, I think he more so just enjoyed the attention.
Anyway, someone offers him $2 to eat a glue stick, one of the ones you wind up on the bottom which leverages a cylinder glue 'stick' out the top. He obliges and takes a big mouthful of glue. The teacher notices the commotion and asks why the heck he ate it, to which he shrugs and replies with his mouth full of glue, "it's non toxic?".
I laughed about that for a good while.
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21/22. I once climbed inside of a ships septic tank to clean it. I was on my hands and knees with my friend and a scrapper to get up the super hardened poop that was stuck to the walls, ceiling, and floor.
22/22. I once deep throated a banana on my Minecraft stream for paypal donations so I had money to buy a burrito and a monster that night to continue streaming.
About 3 or 4 years ago I was fresh out of high school without an actual diploma (or as we call it in Sweden "slutbetyg"") so my only option other than starving was to get a job and move in with my grandparents. In their basement. So yeah life was great. The job I found was in elderly care. I was making about 10$ an hour and maybe 12$ at night.
It didn't take long for me to get fed up with going home to my kookie grandparents and get yelled at while wiping their genitals so I started looking around for other gigs available to me within the field.
And I found one. I cant tell you the name of the dude cause of NDA rules but I can tell you that he was about 80 years old and had been a drunk for most of that time. He had been laying in his bed for ~3 years straight by the time I got there, slowly but surely closing in on both insanity by pain as well as death. Why pain? Well his body was in such bad shape that if you tried to move him by pulling (even gently) on a limb you would "de glove" him, ie pull the skin of his flesh, and wounds would just spontaneously open. So yeah that's the kind of shape he was in, so it was no surprise to anyone when it started to become apparent he was dying quite soon.
So where do 18 year old me come in?
My job was to watch over him while he died, and this could take anywhere between one day to one month, so I got to work sitting there from 9pm to 9am every day for 2 weeks while he became less and less of an human and less and less lucid. I'll spare you the details of my time with him, hell that is another equally long story, but eventually he died and of course he did it on my shift. At this point I was so jaded that when he died at 8.45pm my first though was "sweet i can go home early". But no, I couldn't. Turns out my job was also to get him out of the clothes he died in, clean him up, and then re dress him in nicer clothes so the family didn't have to see him like I saw him all those days.
Anyhow, now we finally arrive to the a** wiping. As we all know you poop yourself when you die because of your sphincter relaxing. Now imagine what that actually looks like. I'll tell you what it looks like. It looks like an mouth forming an big O but in the a**. Not a pleasant sight. And of course there was still sh*t in there, about 5 cm in, and I had to get it out. I stick a disturbingly large amount of my hand in there and unfortunately I cannot tell you what it felt like because that memory is behind lock and key in my brain. I do however remember that was the exact time I thought "f*ck it. Im fixing my life right f*cking now."