"If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge? " William Shakespeare
1/12. Back in high school I dated a girl for 6 months before she decided it wasn't working out anymore and she cheated on me with about 6 guys and stole my iPhone and wallet to buy drugs. I wanted to report her to the police like my parents encouraged me to and to prevent me from doing such her brother jumped me while I was walking home with his friends and busted open my lip pretty badly and threatened to kill me if i reported him or his sister (this is South Florida, so i believed he would do it).
My dad got a new job and we moved to a new city but i was still pissed about this whole situation so i did the next best thing. I created two fake Facebook account of a random hot girl and guy, spent some time making it look legit with friends and such and added her brother on Facebook with the girl and my ex with the guy.
It wasn't too long before he started flirting "me" up and tried his best to get in this girls pants. on the other hand, having already courted my now ex i knew exactly what to say to charm her to the point that she was in love with me. This is where it all begins to get fun.
I started a sexting relationship between the brother and sister with me as the intermediate thanks to google voice. Both of them had fairly typical south florida bodies so nothing really gave anything away and i did a fair amount of photoshopping to remove identifiers in the room that may give away anything.
This went on for about a month and a half totalling about 200 or so nudes between the two of them when i decided to reveal the curtain and send a group of unedited pictures that included key identifiers (face and rooms).
Oh holy jesus how shit went down. I only wish i had some way to see how they reacted. Friends who still lived there told me her brother moved in with his dad that week and that they no longer spoke.
All in all, about 4 months till i got my revenge but it was amazing.
2/12. A school bully repeatedly knocked a binder from my best friend's hands every single day while we walked down the hall. Now we were in high school back in the pre-Columbine era, so people didn't freak out as often when kids did f*cked up sh*t.
I convinced my friend to stick tacks through an entire side of his binder, turning it into an extremely dangerous spiked weapon and just hold on extra tight while waiting for the bully to come do his thing. The kid lacerated his hand pretty badly. After he slammed his hand down into it my friend held on and yanked back.
Jackass didn't try that sh*t again.
3/12. My then-high-school-girlfriend was a total b*tch, and wanted me to abandon all of my friends, would always try to bring me down, etcetcetc.
When I got fed up, I broke up with her on picture day. She took them, but her mascara was everywhere. Two days later, I told her that I was sorry, blahblah, and I wanted to get back together. She liked having someone to walk on, so of course she said yes.
I then broke up with her again on retake day. F*cking nailed it.
4/12. I've posted this before but couldn't resist. My older brother (who was in high school and a foot and a half taller at the time) threw me into the ceiling and let me drop to the floor. So for the next year or so I would wait until he would leave the house, and go into his closet and pee in his shoes. I didn't tell him for around 20 years, but when I did he said " you little bastard, I could never figure out why my feet always smelt so bad".
5/12. Friend and I were fishing at a local creek when my friends brother pulled up. Being the dick he normally was he started throwing rocks in the creek to scare the fish and then he threw my friends bike in the creek. We were 13 at the time, my friend was crying and I felt so bad. I jumped into the creek and got his bike out, told him we would get his brother back.
About a month later we were fishing again and it was the dead of summer. I told my friend today is the day we get his brother back. Caught a 2/3 pound carp, threw it up on the side of the bank and left it there until we were done fishing. At the end of the night went back to his place his brothers car was sitting on the street, we took the carp sliced it open and threw it under the drivers seat and rolled his windows 3/4 up.
The next morning when we woke and left I forgot about what we had done. Well when I rode past JT's car I noticed the window was kind of black and then I took a closer look it was covered in flies. I actually got scared because I did not expect to a window caked with flies. By the time I got home I was laughing in tears because his brother was always such a dick to us.
Fast forward to baseball practice about 3 days later, friend had a black eye but smiled at me when we made eye contact. His brother flipped out and ran into his house and punched him in the face. His mom flipped out on his brother, brother was grounded for the rest of summer. His mom said that my friend would never do such a thing and he played along and acted as if he had no idea. Apparently the smell never really left the car. We nicknamed his brother lord of the flies.
6/12 I'm immune to poison ivy, so I was always uprooting it in our yard (About a full acre). I'd left it on this concrete area behind our garage (Because that's where it was near when I pulled it out. Hey, I was/am lazy.) Anyway I frequently walked down to a fishing pond across this canal in my neighborhood (This is in south Louisiana) I didn't always have a functioning bike and the walk was only about a mile. A 'Big kid', probably 2-3 years older than me, was a real Jerkass. He'd do stuff like ride by me on his bike and act like he was gonna high-five me, but then slap my face and ride off, laughing. Anyway, one day he did that, and I went back home, upset. I got my water gun and was gonna shoot him if he messed with me again. Then I saw the poison ivy and got an evil idea. In the bucket it went with some water, stirred it all up good, then dumped that in my water gun. Went back to the pond. On the way back home he came around messing with me again. I hosed him down and he broke my gun, but man it was worth it.
From what I hear he didn't go back to school for almost two weeks.
7/12. Not me, my brother:
When my younger brother was about 3, my father had to look after him for the day. The plan was that he, after asking his boss, would take him into work for the day. It was office work, and he was friendly with his boss, so my mum assumed it was no big deal.
My father, however, didn't want a toddler distracting him all day, so he left him in the car with the radio on and a carton of apple juice. (This is Britain, so it wouldn't overheat, but either way he was being an arse.) At the end of the day he returned back to his car to drive home, expecting a sleeping toddler who wouldn't tell his mother a thing.
Instead, upon his return, he found his son jumping up and down on the front seats to the radio on full blast, naked and laughing, slipping around and covered in shit. He had soiled himself, removed his nappy his faecal matter EVERYWHERE. Shit was smeared all over the driver's seat, the windscreen, the steering wheel, the satnav, the drivers window, even hand printed on the ceiling. Our dad didn't even know that toddlers could even produce this vast amount of turd. The only car seat that was completely untouched was his own.
My 3yo brother was abandoned in a car for 8 hours, later found smearing his own-brand revenge-paint all over my father's beloved BMW.
8/12. One time when I worked in a small video store as an assistant manager there was this one customer who was being a real assh*le to the point where I got fed up with his sh*t and threw him out. He had been an assh*le to every single other employee in the store, including our boss. He was just a mouthy harassing jerk (it would take way too long to go into the details).
Anyway, I saw him in a little strip mall nearby one time and he was bragging to some guys about he was cheating on his workers compensation. Then he pulls out this wad of cash and waves it under their noses like a Japanese fan. "I got all this f*ckin free money from lying about my injured hand!" What an assh*le.
Anyway if you go into the blue pages of the phone book you'll find this listing in all cap letters that says;
WORKERS COMPENSATION FRAUD HOTLINE
-and take a wild guess what video stores keep in their records? Full name, home address, and phone #. Not only did I turn this guy in but was also able to provide great detail as to exactly how he was faking his injury as he explained it to his two friends.
9/12. At an all male military boarding school during high school, there was this HUGE douche on my hall. We took his Febreze bottle and filled it with piss. Then took said bottle and sprayed his pillow, wall locker and opposite corner. So he gets back, smells urine and immediately grabs his Febreze and douses EVERYTHING.
10/12. I moved around a lot as a kid. Dad in the Army. Parents divorced. Not staying in one place made long-term friendships impossible. But my situation attracted bullies like flies.
I moved to a new school. A bully picked up my scent instantly. Tripping and shoving. Making fun of my clothes. Nothing too terrible, but I was already unhappy, so I felt miserable anyway.
One school day, I asked to use the restroom. I passed by said bully on the way into the bathroom. He actually didn't do anything to me this time.
When I entered the the restroom, someone was in the only stall, crapping on the floor. I walked out of the bathroom, disgusted, ready to tell on them (I was seven at the time).
I was ready to reenter my classroom when an incredible, yet devious idea came to me. I went straight to my bullies classroom and walked inside.
Everyone looked at me, which normally would have given me enough hesitation to turn me 180o and back to class. But that day, I didn't so much as pause. I walked up to the teachers desk, pointed at my tormentor and boldly proclaimed that he had shit on the bathroom floor.
The teachers reaction was better than I could have ever expected (for me). She made him follow her into the restroom while he cried and slobbered out 'I didn't do it! he's lying!' over and over again. She then grabbed a wad of paper towel, handed it to him and we watched as he picked in up and put it into the commode. She thanked me for telling her and told me to go back to my classroom.
This happened about twenty years ago. I still look back at this moment as a turning point in my life. Like I became me then.
11/12. I used to live in a very small town, like 250-300 people. We had no stores, gas stations etc.
One day a local guy decided to open up a little store that sold the basics like groceries and rented movies. He hired a few of us highschool kids to work the store, and promised us $50 a week for the summer to be paid at the end of the summer.
We agreed, and started working. We gave up a summer stocking shelves, cleaning the bathroom, lawn care and whatever else.
Well the end of the summer comes around. It's our last day of work, and he comes by with our pay checks. $50. For each of us. For the whole summer.
Needless to say, we weren't too happy, but his words were "what the f*ck are you gonna do about it? Drop the key off at my house since you won't need it anymore".
We came up with a plan to pay this douche bag back. Before locking up the store for the last time, we left a window unlocked. We dropped the key off at the house. Around midnight, we were back at the store. Grabbed as much as we could, cigarettes, money from the register, candy. Probably about $1000 worth of sh*t, locked the window, then left through the emergency exit that had no alarm. There were also no cameras of any kind.
Next day there were cops there. He accused all of us of doing it, but had no proof. He ended up having to shut down the store a few months later because the town heard how he didn't pay us and stopped doing business there.
I don't feel bad. F*cker deserved it.
12/12 I worked as a server in a fine dining restaurant in a touristy town in Florida. The owners, a husband and wife team, were notorious for being cruel and petty bastards, but it was 2008 and I had just been laid off so I had to take anything. On top of that, I was engaged to be married (paying for the wedding ourselves) and planning a move to NYC as well.
This could be an incredibly long story, so I will just give a few examples of their batshit cruelty.
- Dyslexic Server who trained me. Fired a week after I started because he took too long to write the specials on the chalkboard. (They knew he was dyslexic.)
- His replacement. Dec. 23rd. She was fired for selling the wrong bottle of wine. While this was definitely her mistake, their handling of it was despicable. She sold a $125 bottle of wine for $35. (Restaurant prices not the restaurants actual cost. those were $56 and $10.) The owner let the table know of the servers mistake, saying "I hope you are enjoying that bottle of wine, its actually a $125 bottle. But don't worry, You don't have to pay for it. Your server will have to." Needless to say, the table was furious for being put in that awkward position, and were gracious enough to give an awesome secret tip to cover the cost. Here is the nasty part. She finished out her shift and paid the total $125 thinking she still had a job. She was fired on Christmas eve by text message.
- 3. Me. I kept quiet as much as I could. I saw that when ever you shared any bit of your personal life with these f*cks, they used it to torment. The wife-owner follow me around the FOH and berate me in increasingly weird ways with the intent to emasculate. Once they met my fianc and from that moment on, the wife-owner would make jabs saying "she doesn't seem like she is too thrilled to get married," or "She probably expects better," and then laugh it off like she was just joking. It was my strategy to just eat sh*t and save money, and not let it bother me. She figured this out right away and got downright sadistic, trying to see how far they could push me and see what I would do without complaint. I managed to suck it up for 2 years thanks to alcohol, no backbone, and financial need. My breaking point was when she told me to take away the chair our hostess was sitting in when no customers were around. Granted sitting on the job is supposedly unprofessional, but she was an elderly woman, sick, working outside. The hostess wouldn't dare call in sick as she was working here illegally from Hungary, and similarly had to eat as much sh*t as was thrown at her. So rather than talk to the hostess and possibly take over for her sick employee, she asked me to snag the chair from her without explanation. Here is the f*cked up part. I did it. I f*cking did it. The hostess understood. Really, what could she say? she knew what was happening and gave me this look of understanding that I'll never forget. I got a few feet away and put the chair back, looking straight back at the vile sh*tstain that asked me to be cruel to another person for her amusement. The owner didn't say a word to me about my subordination and gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the evening. 2 weeks later, I was closing out my tips and receipts with the husband-owner. I had counted my bank prior to cashing out with him as I always did. Everything added up just fine. Turns out he had secretly added in a cash ticket to my till for $150. It showed on the report he printed at 1 minute before running the cash out report. I had only 4 tables, all cash tips on all credit card tickets that night so it was not hard to keep track of.(Lucky me I thought) I questioned this and said I had double checked my math and he must have made some mistake. His response was, "If you don't like it, there is the door." That pretty much sealed it. I knew what was happening and luckily my brain initiated the YOU IS BOUT TO BE FORCED TO QUIT SO YOU DONT GETS THE UNEMPLOYMENT MONIES Disaster recovery response. I refused to pay him and said I will be returning to work tomorrow for my next scheduled shift, and we can work this out then. He said f*ck you, get out. I was fired. This was very important. I was fired. I didn't quit.
I was a month away from moving to NYC with my wife to try to start a career in my field. I just needed one more month of saving every last penny I made and I was out! This pretty much f*cked me.
So I filed for unemployment stating the reasons I was fired on my last night, which met the eligibility requirements. The unemployment office contacted my former employer for verification and he said I was fired for stealing wine and there were witnesses. My claim was denied. The next step was to dispute the claim. I disputed and it went to the adjudication process. Basically what amounted to a phone hearing between my former employer, an unemployment case worker, me, and any "witnesses."
This is where I got revenge.
I knew of the upcoming hearing, and my employer was notified by mail of the date. The letter explained the process and instructed to line up any witnesses and materials needed for the case. It also stated that you have a period of time to reschedule the hearing if needed. An unemployment worker explained the process to me over the phone before the letters were mailed. I then paid a anarchist punk guy with beer to steal any of their mail from the unemployment office and bring it to me. Leading up to the hearing I also reported them to ASCAP for playing copyrighted music in their establishment without paying dues, (A fairly hefty fine) and reported some of their more crooked dealings to the IRS. (Namely how the wife-owner would use her name as an employee for several of the illegal workers, underreporting earnings, etc) I also dropped a dead fish into their gutters above their patio, waited a week for the rats to appear and called the heath dept.
At the time of the hearing, the owner was caught off guard and tried to reschedule. He was not allowed to reschedule because the letter (Which he never received...hehe) stated that failure to attend the hearing automatically results in a ruling for the other party. He complied and we went along with the hearing without his fake witness. During the hearing I kept calm but he lost his temper. I answered my questions in a way to really get his anger going, and it worked. the key question posed to my former employer was "Had he not stolen any property, would you still have fired him?" He slipped and said yes, sending the ruling in my favor.
A few weeks later I received my check for all the past months of unemployment. It was enough to get me to NYC.
2 and a half years later, I am still married (HA B*TCH!!) and found an excellent job in my field with great pay, benefits, an awesome boss, and union representation. They are struggling to keep the doors open and have both had a host of financial problems.